Stationery (January 1999)
A moving love story: one boy, one girl and one eraser.

Double Fault (July 1999)
A novel about a young tennis player. It's unrealistic and not especially good, but I'm rather fond of it all the same.

Reminiscing (April 2000)
Reflections on a high school romance that never was.

A Bizarre Moral Tale About A Man Named Archibald (April 2001)
A very boring man has a rather interesting day.

The Sorted Hat (June 2001)
Harry Potter fanfiction. Utterly pointless!

Conversations (June 2001)
Two blokes who work in a record shop chatter.

Disposable Teens (March 2002)
An excerpt from my forthcoming novel "The Fake Sound Of Progress": the thought process of a greeeeebo! Unsurprisingly, it's rather profane.

Arreet (July 2002)
The thought process of someone who would be a chav, except the very act of having a thought process is against all rules of chavdom. Unsurprisingly, it's also rather profane.

Selected Poems

The Silly Ones (March 1997 - June 2002)
Rants, retold nursery rhymes and twisted love stories.

The Ones About Jif Micro Liquid (May 1998)
Does this need any further explanation?

Create And Destroy (March 1999)
This is what happens when Zed gets ill.

The Dying Pensioner (July 1999)
A character sketch.

Essays

Dowsing (July 1997)
10 Original Ways To Get To Nottingham (July 1998)
25 Original Ways To Get Out Of Nottingham (July 1998)
Magazines (November 1998)
The Beginner's Guide To String (February 1999)
Guns And Toasters (February 1999)
Becoming A Magnet (February 1999)

Dreams

Disclaimer
1988 - 1998
January - June 1999
July - September 1999
October - December 1999
January - March 2000
April - May 2000
June - July 2000
July - December 2000
January - March 2001
April - June 2001
July - September 2001
October - December 2001
January - May 2002
June - December 2002
January - March 2003
April - July 2003
August - December 2003

Parodies

Die Tomorrow (April 1996)
A rewrite of Oasis's "Live Forever". Knowledge of Blur, Oasis and other mid-90s band lyrics is very useful for comprehension purposes.

Carpet (May 2000)
A rewrite of Bon Jovi's "Always" so that it's about carpet.

Teenage Faghag (September 2001)
A rewrite of Wheatus's "Teenage Dirtbag" so it concerns slash.

Gothic People (December 2001)
A rewrite of Pulp's "Common People" so that it's about Prince Harry going to Slimelight. Yeah.

Just Can't Get It Up (December 2001)
A rewrite of Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" so it's Rather Dodgy.

My Dissertation (December 2002)
No, not a parody of "Analysing The Effects Of Growth Hormone"; a rewrite of The Who's "My Generation".

Zed's Bras (February 2003)
A rewrite of Covenant's "Dead Stars" so it concerns . . . yeah.

For more song parodies by yours truly and friends check out The Weird Sisters Website.

School-Inspired Stuff
All of this is more amusing if you were at secondary school with me or read my 1998-1999 journal entries.

The Bagot (December 1997)
An infamous parody of a song in a musical.

Various Poems (March 1998)
Includes "Cross Country", "Maths Homework", "Alice And Dave" and "Dear Sir".

Verbal Voodoo I (July 1998)
Verbal Voodoo II (July 1998)
Verbal Voodoo III (November 1998)
Verbal Voodoo: Epilogue (December 1998)
Whatever Happened To CZ, Queen Of Bloxed? (April 2001)
Zed exacts revenge on her evil friends, only for them to get their own back.

The Old Ones (February 2000)
Script, concerning Zed and co sixty years on.

Killa Thomson For Acorns / The Help File / The Code (December 1998)
Kill Smillurrr today! A (very) BASIC program by Chris and Roe.

The Class Of 99 (April 2000)
Using a search engine, I tracked down all my classmates' secret lives. Did you know, for example, that I worked for the Higher Education Funding Council for England?

Teenybopper Mockery
Back in the late 90s, there lived several thousand teenyboppers in possession of totally stupid webpages. I may have since discovered better things to do than look at them; they may have all moved to Livejournal and similar (Twi and myself once tried to make a parody of a Livejournal, but although Twi made the most hideous icon imaginable, it wasn't funny, because we literally couldn't write anything stupider than average Livejournal teenybopper does), or they may be still at large. However, for those of you that were there:

Blood Tears (November 1998)
A poem about teh angst of bludi teerz!

teenybopperz (January 1999)
A poem about them.

nart_z_bopper (February 1999)
What if teenyboppers liked Hitler instead of N Sync?

cornflake girl (March 1999)
A cautionary tale about being an extreme goonbridge, or "What my website would look like if I was incredibly stupid and had a really bad attitude"

i wabt teh divl!!! (April 1999)
A bad goth poem by Twi and Zed.

How Kewl Am I? (April 1999)
"How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths, so it concerns teenybopper angst.

Absolute Silliness

Sushi (March 1997)
A religion / world takeover plan.

Klefid: The Story (March 1997) | The Computer Game (July 1997)
The process of getting to an airport has never been stranger.

Ella Cinder (May 1997)
What Cinderella would have been like, had a werewolf unexpectedly turned up.

Loxi Gold (October 1997)
What "Goldilocks And The Three Bears" would have been like, had a werewolf unexpectedly turned up.

Malcolm The Magic Moose (November 1997)
A battle between a talking moose and an evil mailman.

!Feelings For Acorns / The Help File / The Code (November 1998)
Even though I do have very strong feelings for Acorns, this has nothing to do with that: it's a BASIC program by me that calculates people's love, hate, like, aevil, scank, wench and pants factors.

Don't Quote Me On That! (September 1999 - June 2000)
Strange things spoken in my presence. I'm not the only mad one!