"It's good for the soul
It's good for the heart"
Well, if it's so good
Why don't you take part?

"We do; we marshal
We freeze in the storm
While you're running round
Keeping yourselves warm."

You're cold? You mean
When you're wrapped up like packets?
In tracksuits and wellies
and jumpers and jackets?

While the boys wear shorts
And the girls wear skirts
That are two inches long
Under mud-white shirts!

Snow and hail
Siberian frost
A fog so thick
You could get lost

Torrential rain
And trench-like ground
Gale-force winds
We still run round!

We'll freeze to death
In the icy chill
No wonder so many
Skive it "ill"!

No one enjoys
What you would call fun
Whatever the weather
It's a two mile run!

To the Lord
Of wind and rain
Cross country brings
Your people pain
What do any
Of us gain?
Why are our teachers
Quite insane?

Maths Homework
by Zed, age 16

For The Aevil Wizard Rohan.

You can call me "Spawn of Satan!"
"Foul fiend!" and "Leek!" and "Jerk!"
But under no circumstances
Can you "borrow" my Maths homework.

You can do it really
You know it's not that hard
Don't go near my carrel
Marion and Alice are on guard

I'll put a force field round my cupboard
No - better! When you swing
Open that door, you'll be attacked
By the large thingammybob thing! *

Go and copy Chris's -
No, he won't have done it too,
But at least he doesn't steal mine
Unlike a certain person - you.

I'd be willing to help you
If you started it yourself
I'm not letting you steal mine
'Cause it's on the staffroom shelf

Really, it is possible
To find dy-d-theta
Camilla had the right idea
Keeping her multimeter

You can say "Bwahaha!" all day long
And around my carrel lurk
But get this one thing straight right now
YOU CAN'T BORROW MY HOMEWORK!

* The large thingammybob thing was a wooden cylindrical structure with "arms", used for someone's seminar about martial arts, I believe. Afterwards, it hung around in the sixth form carrels for several months.

Alice And Dave
by Zed, age 16

(Alice and Dave were an ubercouple I knew.)

There was a girl called Alice,
There was a bloke named Dave.
When she was filled with malice,
Her sweet nature he did save.
While she lived in a palace,
He was her humble slave,
But when she was in a chalice . . .
He was having a rave!

Dear Sir
by Zed, age 17

All characters in this poem are entirely fictional and any similarities to real persons, living or dead are entirely coincidental.

I wish you'd shut up, Mr Bulman
You are making far too much sound
As I'm starting to work
I sit up with a jerk
As your screams of "SHHH!!!" resound

I'd get my work done in the library
Where the first year kids jump, sing and shout
But I can't concentrate
On adding two and eight
With you constantly wandering about

I'm sure that you've got lots of marking
You need to get done in a rush
Why don't you do that
And stop being a prat
By telling the silent to "HUSH!!!"

I would like to tell the headmaster
But chances are he wouldn't buy it
But the girls and the boys
Are not making the noise
It's the teacher who just won't be quiet

I wish you'd shut up Mr Bulman
I've got lots of homework to do
Please realise
That I'm trying to revise
So shut up or we'll shut up you.