Dedicated to Will, Roe, Smill and Chris. Bloxed is a highly addictive computer game; it's multi- player Tetris and I rule at it.

Once upon a time there lived a fair maiden named CZ. But she was not just any fair maiden, she was a fair maiden that lived in a castle, since she was in fact CZ, Queen of Bloxed. And as well as being excellent at Bloxed, she was amazingly intelligent, was gifted at writing stories, making people laugh and playing the clarinet, was a generally amazingly wonderful charitable person, and had the sharpest elbows in the kingdom. Except it wasn't a kingdom, but a queendom, since there was no king. This was because there was no one who even came close to her Bloxed-playing ability and therefore no one deserved to be King of Bloxed.

But Queen CZ didn't mind too much, since she did not want a rival in the game of Bloxed. In the mean time, she had to deal with the affections a hopeful suitor, Sir William Vasey of Pants. She found him lovely and charming and they spent many happy hours elbowing each other and talking in Zobo-Creat, the language of nobles like themselves. Queen CZ's tutor, Lady Woodward, thoroughly approved of their relationship. However, Queen CZ thought it best to keep Sir William Vasey of Pants at arm's length - elbow's length anyway - because of his rather unholy obsessions with the Spice Girls, supermarkets and pants.

However life was not all peaches and cream (or heeches and spleen) for in the queendom lurked some aevil people...

In a dark cave not far from the castle lived The Aevil Wizard Rohan. He spent all day in front of his PC. He just seemed to be just a harmless gayk, but in actual fact trying to improve his Bloxed playing skills so that he could become king. And he was involved in lewd and lecherous projects such as "revolutionising !Love with a G-string" (!Love being a simple computer program written by Queen CZ.) He also worshipped the Gates God; muttered the curse, "Bwahaha!" a lot; sent Queen CZ hate mail, regarding her Acorn computer; and attempted to steal Queen CZ's maths homework on numerous occasions.

The Aevil Wizard Rohan's greatest enemy was The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr. She had originally come from Canada, had attended St. Anne's School for five years, had a horse and a sister who had been accepted at Cambridge University but turned it down in favour of Glasgow (just her sister, not the horse). She was very proud of her background and told everyone in the queendom about it at least five times a day. She also reminded CZ, Queen of Bloxed, that she was better than Queen CZ at long jump and hated Acorn computers with all her heart and soul.

Nobody in the queendom had ever liked The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr except The Aevil Wizard Rohan's closest confidant, a foolish chap named Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket. As well as cricket, he liked eating vast quantities of haggis, playing the organ, insulting people and baffling the local priest, Father Campbell. However, his affection for The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr was unreturned, and soon he came to his senses. Unfortunately, minstrels still travelled throughout the queendom, singing, "He thinks that haggis is edible, can't change his mind about that. He also thinks she is incredible, she thinks he is a prat!", lines from an incredibly witty ballad named The Bagot written by none other than the wondrous CZ, Queen of Bloxed.

However, despite her lack of appreciation, The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr refused to let it bother her, and she remained steadfastedly in the queendom. Protestors marched day and night outside her hut, carrying signs that said, "Go back to Canada!" and "Leave or we'll hurt your horse!" but Smillurrr stayed put.

Unfortunately for Queen CZ, she found herself in the company of both The Aevil Wizard Rohan and The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr on several occasions. Both of them wished to prove they were better than her in one way or another, and they even found themselves on the same side when challenging Queen CZ to a game of three player Bloxed or a pool tournament. However, Queen CZ remained victorious, and for the rest of the time The Aevil Wizard Rohan and The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr were at each other's throats. The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr saw no harm in telling The Aevil Wizard Rohan exactly what she thought of him; The Aevil Wizard Rohan was more devious and altered The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr's maths homework without her noticing. CZ became thoroughly sick of their bickering.

However, one day, a gypsy turned up at Queen CZ's castle.

"Would you like to sample the gift of verbal voodoo?" the mysterious woman asked.

"Verbal voodoo?" CZ, Queen of Bloxed, said. "That sounds dodgy. No thank you."

But the gypsy would not leave. "How about you play Bloxed with me?"

"All right," Queen CZ said, for she would always accept a challenge to play Bloxed.

"Good." The gypsy smiled slyly. "If I win, you will buy the gift of verbal voodoo from me."

"And if I win, you will leave my castle and never come back."

They shook hands on the bargain and went to the Royal Computer. Queen CZ loaded Bloxed, and they chose their keys. Then the game began.

Queen CZ, was confident that she would win. After all, what match was a lowly gypsy, for her, the queen? The gypsy had probably never played Bloxed in her life.

But no matter how many blocks Queen CZ hurled at the gypsy, the gypsy managed to keep her pile down. Before she knew it, CZ, Queen of Bloxed, was on level 68 and in dire trouble. The gypsy was only on level 51 and in no manner of danger. And with an earth-shattering kaboom, Queen CZ lost the game.

But she knew how to lose gracefully. "Well done," she said to the gypsy. "Now, what exactly is this verbal voodoo thing?"

"It means that whenever you write a story, everything you have said in it will come true," the gypsy. "Now pay me five hundred gold pieces."

"That sounds quite cool," Queen CZ said, thoughtfully. "Now come with me to receive your pay." She led the gypsy to the gold room and extracted five hundred gold pieces. Then the gypsy left the castle, humming "The Bagot".

CZ, Queen of Bloxed, returned to the Royal Computer and opened First Word Plus. (A word processor; Queen CZ did not, of course, have Microsoft Word since she had an Acorn computer.) Now, what could she write about? She wanted try something completely harmless to start with, just to see if it worked.

"Just then a letter dropped through the mailbox of Queen CZ's castle," she typed. "It was from a publisher who wrote, 'We have seen your novel "Different Worlds" on the internet and would like to publish it.'"

As soon as she had finished the sentence, she heard a soft sound from downstairs and she went to see what it was. Sure enough, an envelope was lying on the doormat. She picked it, opened it, and not surprisingly, it was from a publisher saying they would like to publish "Different Worlds".

"This is funky!" CZ, Queen of Bloxed, exclaimed, doing a little dance. Then she hurried back to her computer to try out this power some more, and every time it worked.

Queen CZ knew she should put this gift to good purposes only, so she wrote of care packages being dropped in third world countries and other wonderful happenings.

However, the following day, both The Aevil Wizard Rohan and The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr invited themselves round to the castle where they did nothing but make nuisances of themselves. And Queen CZ knew that it was time for some revenge. When they finally left she sat down at her computer and pondered.

Hmm... should she just make them drop dead? Or should she torture them first? No, she didn't want to get into trouble. Maybe she should just make them into non-aevil people... it was a bit boring, but it was probably for the best...

No! She had it! She started to type :

"Suddenly The Aevil Wizard Rohan realised that he was madly in love with The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr! And at the same time The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr realised that she was madly in love with The Aevil Wizard Rohan! He hurried round to her hut and she hurried round to his cave, and they met half way.

"'Darling!' The Aevil Wizard Rohan exclaimed. 'Will you marry me?'

"'Why certainly!' The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr replied.

"So they got married and lived happily ever after. Their loneliness was what had made them aevil, and so they were no longer aevil, and people started to like them more, and they never bothered CZ, Queen of Bloxed, again."

"There," Queen CZ said with a flourish as she hit the final full stop. She rubbed her hands in glee. "This should be interesting!"

One second later, The Aevil Wizard Rohan had a Revelation. "How could I have been so stupid?" he said to no one in particular. "All these years I thought The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr was an aevil scank-wench and I thought Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket was crazy to like her. But now I see that he had good taste after all. I must go and make amends right now and beg her forgiveness for changing her maths homework!"

And so The Aevil Wizard Rohan turned off his computer for the first time in centuries and ran (also a first) towards The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr's hut. As he did, he wondered why he had ever found it funny to make 'Halt! Hi, smell a cac moron?' out of the letters of The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr's real name.

At precisely the same moment, Smillurrr was banging her head on her Physics homework in frustration. "I am so stupid!" she moaned. "I'm turning into my air-headed character in the school musical! For all these years I hated The Aevil Wizard Rohan and now I realise I have loved him all along! It is a good thing I rejected Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's advances!"

"Hey!" said Max The Wonder Horse. "I thought I was the only man in your life!"

"Not anymore," she said. "The Aevil Wizard Rohan is the only one for me and I must find him at once and apologize for the many insults I have thrown at him over the years, for I want to marry him."

"Wait!" The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr's mother protested. "You cannot marry Rohan for he wants to go to Cambridge, and you must go to Oxford."

"I do not care," The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr said, rushing out of her hut before anyone could stop her.

The Aevil Wizard Rohan and The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr met half way between his cave and her hut. "Darling!" The Aevil Wizard Rohan exclaimed. "Will you marry me?"

"Why certainly," The Aevil Sorceress Smillurrr replied.

So they got married and lived happily ever after. It turned out that it had been their loneliness that made them aevil, so they were no longer aevil, and people started to like them, and they never bothered CZ, Queen of Bloxed, again.

Many people were delighted by the union. "I always knew they liked each other all along," they said. But CZ, Queen of Bloxed, was still not happy. She did not know why, because the two banes of her existence were no longer aevil. What's more, she had used the gift of verbal voodoo to do many other wonderful things. All Lady Woodward's pupils were getting A*s in their GCSEs, and Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket was playing cricket for England now, thanks to Queen CZ's good use of verbal voodoo.

Then she realised what was wrong. She was lonely.

So she wrote the following. "One night, some aliens came to this planet. Using their amazing technology, they permanently erased the words 'Spice Girls', 'supermarket' and 'pants' from Sir William Vasey of Pants's vocabulary. The next day, he found a magic lamp and rubbed it. A genie came out and said to him, 'I can grant you three wishes.'

"'I wish for some new pa- pa- um, never mind. I wish to meet Baby Sp- Sp- whatever her name is, you know, she's one of the Sp- never mind. Ok. I've got it. I wish to have sharper elbows than Queen CZ's, I wish to be almost as good as Queen CZ at Bloxed, and I wish CZ, Queen of Bloxed, would ask me to marry her.'

"'Ok,' said the genie. And with that, he disappeared with a puff of smoke.

"The next day, CZ, Queen of Bloxed, woke up with a strong urge to ask Sir William Vasey of Pants to marry her. However, she knew she had to be sensible : Sir William Vasey of Pants was totally pants at Bloxed.

"But later that day she got a real surprise. Sir William Vasey of Pants came to her castle and asked if they might play Bloxed together. She agreed, and to her amazement, he was really good at it! She still won, but it was a close contest.

"When his game came to an earth shattering kaboom, she expected him to say, 'That's pants' or something to that effect. But he did not.

"'Sir William Vasey of Pants', she said. 'Will you marry me and become William, King of Bloxed?'

"'Why certainly,' he said.

"So they got married and they lived happily ever after and elbowed each other a lot."

And not surprisingly, it all came true.