Heard on the radio today (24 February 1999): the American people possess more guns than toasters. As a lover of both peace and toast, I sincerely hope that :

either - Americans don't care much for toast
or - the guns statistic includes water pistols and other toy guns.

I am proud to say that as a child, I never possessed a toy gun. I guess they mainly appeal to boys. Shooting weird foam things at people is quite satisfying, but I wonder, is there a correlation between those who own toy guns as children and those who own real guns later in life? I would love to spend my life coming up with and testing this and other interesting-but-pointless hypotheses, really I would.

Speaking of which, how do they find out these figures anyway? Do researchers come to people's doors and say, "Excuse me, sir, but do you have a toaster?"

"Yes, but if you don't get away from my house in ten seconds..." *Owner of house takes gun out of pocket.*

*Researcher flees as quickly as possible. Once safe, he/she checks boxes on clipboard - one toaster, at least one gun - and moves on to the next house.*

Anyway, if you happen to be a manufacturer of toasters with an important US market you are probably wondering how you should alter your marketing strategies in order to bring your products back into public favour. (Are couples receiving guns as wedding presents? "Well, I figured everyone else would give you a toaster, so I thought I'd get you something different." "Aw, thanks, Great Aunt Esmerelda! It'll probably be a lot more useful!")

Never fear! Zed the resourceful is here! All you have to do is remember the five reasons why toasters are better than guns!

1) Toasters are much more effective than standard weapons. If you point a gun at someone's head or hold a knife against their throat, they have a fairly good idea of how you're intending to kill them. With a toaster, however, they never know whether you're going to throw it at them or stick their fingers in it.

2) However, you have less reason to worry about being attacked by a toaster. If you meet a stranger, he/she could easily be carrying a typical weapon. However, if he/she has a toaster stuffed inside his/her coat, you are likely to notice it and avoid them at all costs. By bringing toasters back to popularity, society as a whole can become less cautious.

3) Guns can be dangerous. You could shoot yourself, if the safety is off and you press the trigger accidentally. With a toaster the greatest damage you can inflict upon yourself is by dropping it on your foot.

4) Toasters are far more reliable than guns. With a gun, you can never be certain whether it is loaded or, indeed, what it is loaded with. With a toaster, you can guarantee that it will be on the wrong setting and your bread will either end up being burnt black or colder than it was to start with. If, by some miracle, it toasts the right amount, the toaster will decide to eat the toast and forcing it to regurgitate it will be impossible without ripping the toast to shreds.

5) It is very very difficult to toast bread using a gun. Guns can shoot a holes in bread, which warms it slightly and causes it to taste smokier. However, such a practice will certainly result in The Ultimate Aevilness: crumbs on the floor.

Remind people of these reasons, and watch toaster sales soar! Did I save your business? Good good. Not a problem at all. Glad to be of assistance.