Sir Cliff meets Jif

While on my summer holiday
I met an prat called Cliff
He said he was a singer
But he was a right minger
So I gave him a bottle of Jif

He took one experimental sniff
Then threw the bottle off a cliff
He had no delusions
He reached his conclusions:
"I hate Micro Liquid, Jif!"

The Language of Jif

If you want something to scoff
Jif ain't the thing you want to quaff
A quaff could well become a quiff
(Just as a snoff becomes a sniff)
And you'd rather throw yourself off a cliff
Than quiff or snoff a bottle of Jif

A Temporary Saviour

One day I woke up feeling stiff
So I had my wake-up shot of Jif
My day was great, I had a rave
Next day I woke up in a grave

Haiku

Nowt rhymes with liquid
Except possibly wicked
And maybe cricket.

Shakespearian Jif?

"Fear not," said Malcolm to Macduff,
"Bonny Scotland - it has foisons!
And if you wish to kill Macbeth
A sure-fire way to bring his death
Is to give him some Jif Micro Liquid
And watch him as it poisons!"

Jif the Murderer!

I hated my life
T'was a big pile of pants
So I turned to Jif
And it made me dance

Recommended it strongly
To my best mate
He drunk a it bit
And he felt really great

Then one day
I discovered him dead
I blamed Mr Jif
And shot him in the head

As a result
I was put into jail
But I still drank Jif
While the others drank ale

But of course there wasn't
Any ale there
So they were all thirsty
And I said, "Nair!"

One day I felt generous
And decided to share
But they responded
"Ick!" "Yuck!" and "Bleurgh!"

So I sat and drank Jif
All on my own
Then one day someone
Called me on the phone

It was Jif. "You're our
Best customer so...
Would you like to take over
Liquid, Jif Micro?"

I said yes and thought
Isn't life funny?
So I got out of jail
And I made loadsa money

Then one day
Beside the bandstand
I saw a bloke
With some Jif in his hand

"Your liquid SUCKS!
It killed my son!"
He threw down the bottle
And took out a gun

So here I stand
With a gun to my head
And thanks to Jif Micro
Four people are dead.

Jif and Computers

Images can be J-PEGs,
Images can be GIFs,
So can they be G-PEGs
Or possibly JIFs?

Recovery

If you've had a tiff
And you're feeling a bit miffed
You can make your spirits lift
By drinking a bit of Jif.

A sign of hope

There was a disillusioned girl
Her classmates called her Tiff
She had a bit of trouble finding
The meaning of life and liff
Her search was long, her search was hard
It caused much strife and striff
So she went into the kitchen
To find a knife or kniff
"My reason to live does not exist
And therefore I shall slit my wrist."
But in the kitchen she did find
Something that quite changed her mind
As our heroine Tiffany
Had an epiphany
On spotting a bottle of Jif.

The way to win love?

A bloke called Dave
Was a little bit deaf
He went to a rave
And saw a girl called Steph
Over the music
He spoke in her ear
But when she responded
Poor Dave couldn't hear
He wanted the courage
To ask Steph to dance
But they couldn't converse
Therefore he had no chance
Steph got frustrated
And killed him with a stave
So that was the end
Of poor old deaf Dave.

After that Steph
Felt a little bit stiff
So a bloke called Jeff
Said he'd buy her some Jif
Steph really liked it
It made her feel high
She was really attracted
To this lovely guy
They're now happily married
And never have a tiff
And there is no doubt
That it's all due to Jif
So guys, that's the way
To turn on a girl :
Buy her some Jif
And pray she doesn't hurl.

The 'in' thing

Some people look "cool"
By smoking a spliff
But me I prefer
To drink bottles of Jif