One day Loxi Gold was walking through the woods when she came across a house, a tiny cottage with a thatched roof. Now Loxi did not walk through the woods often, but she was pretty sure that there wasn't a house there last time she'd looked.

The house belonged to three bears, a Daddy Bear, a Mummy Bear and a Baby Bear, but Loxi wasn't aware of this. At this moment in time, they were out for a walk.

Since she was a most inquisitive child she went to the door and rang the bell. But it was not answered. She was unaware that breaking and entering was a crime, so she tried the door and it opened.

She walked into the house. It was nice and warm inside. She found herself in a little hallway and hung up her coat. Then she went through the door on her left. She found herself in a kitchen. On the table were three bowls of porridge.

Since she was feeling a bit hungry, she decided to have some. She picked up a wooden spoon and took some porridge from the first bowl, the biggest one, which belonged to Daddy Bear.

The porridge was so hot that it burned her mouth. "HEECH!" she cried. When she managed to swallow it, she decided to try some from the second bowl, which belonged to Mummy Bear. But when she ate that, it was stone cold. Yuck, she thought.

"I bet this little bowl contains some nice porridge," she said, as she went to look in it. But Baby Bear's bowl didn't contain any porridge at all. It had already been eaten.

What a swizz, thought Loxi, as she left the kitchen. She went into the room across the hallway from it and found herself in a sitting room.

There wasn't a lot in the sitting room, just three chairs, a big rocking chair which belonged to Daddy Bear, an huge armchair which belonged to Mummy Bear, and a small chair for Baby Bear. She went to sit in the rocking chair first.

But as soon as she clambered on, the chair started to swing backwards and forwards like a huge pirate ship at a fairground. Loxi, being only young, was terrified and leaped off the chair.

Next she tried the armchair, but it was so squidgy that she sunk right into it. This wasn't a particularly comfortable way to sit, so she got up again, and went to the little chair.

But on closer inspection, she realised that it had broken in several places and just wasn't safe to sit on.

Well, I wonder what's upstairs, thought Loxi, as she left the sitting room and hurried up the little wooden stairs.

Upstairs she saw three rooms. (Why do they never have bathrooms in fairy tales?) She went into the first one and saw a big bed, belonging to Daddy Bear. (That's another thing, why do Mummy and Daddy bear have separate bedrooms?) Loxi, who was feeling a bit tired, lay down on it. But the bed was as solid as rock, and she was very uncomfortable.

Next she went into Mummy Bear's bedroom, and lay down on her bed. But Mummy Bear, being very rich, had a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, which she had so that her feet and head were elevated. Mummy Bear found this very comfortable, but Loxi, not used to such luxury, did not.

Loxi went into the third bedroom. But the small bed in there was occupied! She couldn't see who was in the bed, since they were totally covered by the sheets and blanket, but there was definitely a shape in the bed. In fact it looked bear-shaped.

Loxi was enchanted! "Oh little bear," she called, "Wake up!"

The creature in the bed did wake up and stuck its head out from under the covers. And what a shock she got! It was not Baby Bear at all. It was a werewolf!

"AAAGH!!!" cried Loxi. She was about to run from the room, but the werewolf was too fast for her. It made its attack and ripped her apart savagely.

The werewolf was not completely stupid. Having killed another victim for today, he decided to run for it. So he fled from the house, leaving poor Loxi sprawled on the floor.

When the three bears returned from their most pleasant walk in the forest, they went to have their breakfast. (Didn't the porridge go cold after such a long walk?) When Daddy Bear saw his porridge, he exclaimed, "Who's been eating my porridge?"

"Yes!" agreed Mummy Bear, "Who's been eating my porridge?"

"And who's been eating my porridge?" Baby Bear gasped, "and has eaten it all up?"

"I bet it was that Loxi Gold character," Daddy Bear said. "Ha! She's not going to get away with it. I bet she's lying in Baby Bear's bed right now!"

"Let's not jump to any conclusions," put in Mummy Bear quickly. "Let's check the chairs first."

But in the living room, Daddy bear's guesses were right. His chair had been sat on, Mummy Bear's chair had been sat on, and so had Baby Bear's chair, which had fallen to pieces.

"Let's just check the beds," protested Mummy Bear. So they went upstairs, and looked into Daddy Bear's room. Sure enough, the covers on his bed were wrinkled. Then they looked into Mummy Bear's room. Her bed had been slept in too.

Finally they went into Baby Bear's room. "And who's been sleeping in my bed?" screeched Baby Bear, getting a chance to say his famous line again.

"Loxi Gold," said Daddy Bear savagely. "And she's fallen right out. Wake up, you stupid girl!"

"AAAAGH!!!" cried Mummy Bear. "Look! She's dead! She's been attacked by some wild beast!"

At that moment the doorbell rang, so the three bears hurried downstairs away from the scene of the gristly murder.

Mummy Bear threw open the door to find a young girl standing there. She had a red cloak on, and was carrying a basket. "Who are you?" she asked, in surprise. "I have come to visit my grandmamma."

"We're the three bears," Daddy Bear said. "I think you've got the wrong house. Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Little Red Riding Hood," the girl announced, "and this must be the right house. I've been here before." And Little Red Riding Hood pushed her way past the three bears and hurried up the stairs, into Little Bear's room. The three bears followed closely.

"Who's that girl?" asked Little Red Riding Hood in surprise. "And where's my grandmamma?"

Little Red Riding Hood went over to the bed and looked underneath. And what a shock she got! Lying under the bed was her grandmamma, savagely destroyed by the werewolf!

"You wicked wicked bears!" cried Red Riding Hood. "You killed my grandmamma and took her house! You will all be put in prison!"

"Now let's not by hasty," said Mummy Bear, calmly. "We didn't kill this woman. Indeed, we didn't know she was here. I don't know who did, but-"

Her protests were in vain. Little Red Riding Hood was on her way, clutching her basket, to the police station.

On her way there, the werewolf, who was lurking behind a tree spotted a brilliant flash of red running past him. He took a closer look. Sure enough, it was Red Riding Hood.

"Oh no!" he cried, "I got the wrong one. Darn! All these young girls look the same to me. And now she's going to tell on me for killing her grandmamma. Oh well. I'll just have to climb the beanstalk. No one will find me there."

The werewolf made his way through the forest, on his way to Jack's house. Unfortunately he ran into the woodcutter.

"Hey!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Wasn't I meant to come and rescue Little Red Reding Hood just before you gobbled her all up? Am I too late?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said the werewolf. "I'm-" He racked his brains trying to think of a fairy tale where the wolf was the good guy. After five minutes he exclaimed, "Peter! You know, Peter the Wolf!"

"You spanner, that's Peter and the Wolf!"

"Oh well, I'm the wolf from that. And you can't kill me 'cause there isn't a woodcutter in that."

"Ok," said the woodcutter, as he and the wolf parted company. But their meeting worried the woodcutter. He'd better hurry to save Little Red Riding Hood from the other wolf.

Meanwhile, the wolf arrived at Jack's house, outside which there was a huge beanstalk. Something that needs to be clarified here is that earlier that day Jack had been to market, trying to sell Milky White, the cow. Every time he saw a passer by, he would yell, "Buy a cow that doesn't produce milk!" but all anyone had gave were three brochures for the local lunatic asylum.

Finally a dodgy geezer appeared and said, "Hey, I'll swop your cow for these magic beans."

"Cool!" said Jack. Unfortunately he thought the magic beans were drugs so he ate them . . . and he turned into a beanstalk.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "These really work! I feel high! At least twenty foot six and a quarter inches!"

Anyway, the werewolf saw the beanstalk and said, "Hmm, this looks like a bit of a dodgy beanstalk. In fact, it looks a lot like a very tall emaciated little boy. But who gives a monkey's? A beanstalk's a beanstalk." So he climbed it.

The woodcutter had reached the three bears'/Red Riding Hood's grandmamma's house. He rang the doorbell and the three irate bears came to answer it.

"Oh no, oh no," said Daddy Bear. "You're not coming in. We've already found two dead bodies here and we're about to get reported to the police for girlslaughter and senior-citizen-slaughter. And all we ever did was go for a walk. If we let you in, you'll probably report us to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Chairs."

"We didn't break it!" piped up Baby Bear. "It was Loxi Gold!"

"No, it was probably the old woman," Mummy Bear said. "Old people are so stupid. They break all your stuff and say, 'Back in the good old days chairs didn't fall apart when you jump on them and throw them off skyscrapers' and-"

But the woodcutter wasn't listening. Two thoughts were going through his mind.

1. Those three bears must be REALLY STUPID. They didn't even lock their house while they were out.

2. Little Red Riding Hood was dead! He was too late!

He left the arguing bears, feeling manically depressed. After he rescued Little Red Riding Hood, he was going to ask her for her hand in marriage, before she got kidnapped by the witch, shut in the tower and rescued by the prince fifteen years later. But she was dead! He imagined her cold body, lying on wooden boards, mostly covered by her brilliant red cloak.

Therefore, the woodcutter started brandishing his axe, chopping down every tree in the forest. When all the trees were chopped down, he noticed a pretty odd looking beanstalk, so he cut that down too.

And naturally the werewolf crashed twenty feet six and a quarter inches to the ground and broke every bone in his body. Naturally, he wasn't dead because he's needed in the next warped fairy tale.

Then the police arrived with Little Red Riding Hood. "Ok," they said. "You're under arrest."

"Me?" exclaimed the woodcutter.

"Yes," said one. "For beanstalk slaughter. And so are you, Mr Werewolf, for breaking and entering private beanstalks. And the three bears are under arrest for having a house with safety hazards. I mean, that Baby Bear's chair! It would fall apart if you looked at it!"

"What about my grandmamma?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.

"Ok, we'll arrest her too."

"No - she's dead!"

"You mean you killed her? Ok, you're under arrest."

"It was those bears!" protested Little Red Riding Hood.

"Actually it was me," said the werewolf. "Would you mind calling an ambulance before you handcuff me?"

"Well I think it was him," said Jack the beanstalk pointing to the woodcutter. "No one ever suspects the butler. Cutler. Cutter. Whatever. But he's the one carrying the axe!"

"HEECH!!! IT'S A TALKING DEAD BEANSTALK! AAAGH!!!" The policemen fled from the forest (well, field of tree stumps) in terror.

The woodcutter, werewolf, Little Red Riding Hood and Jack the beanstalk looked at each other. "Anyone for travel scrabble?" asked the werewolf.

And then Loxi Gold woke up (in her own bed, not under Baby Bear's) and said, "Oh, I've had such a curious dream!"

"That's my line!" said Alice, visitor of Wonderland. "I'm suing you for plagiarism!"

And so Loxi Gold spent the next three weeks in court and was eventually found innocent, since the people who actually said those words were Lewis Carroll and Zed, but the former was deceased and the latter was being taken to the local lunatic asylum. And so Loxi Gold never dreamed about walking in forests again, and lived happily ever after.