Acquiring Your First Piece Of String

String is an immensely rare resource. If you contemplate it for long enough, you will come to realise that it plays very little part in our lives, and therefore, acquiring it can be quite difficult. If you are desperate, wool will suffice, but it has no character whatsoever. Shoe laces are better, but they prove annoying when you have to keep unthreading and rethreading them through your shoes in order to use them to their maximum potential. So here are the only two ways of obtaining string that I have come across.

1) Go into a Physics lab. Search through all the drawers and cupboards. After a while, you will find some string, in all likelihood. Although you could ask for permission to keep it, stealing it is far easier. According to Mawaki, Mykos and Goddammit (the Sushi Gods) it is not a sin, since a person with string is considered most holy.

2) Tell the post office you wish to send a few thousand catalogues to various parts of the country. They will supply you with several sacks, address tags and STRING to attach the latter to the former. While the pieces of string tend to be small, you can always tie them together.

So, hast thou string? If so, you're probably wondering what to do with it. Here are some possibilities:

Things You Can Do With String

1) Find three more pieces of string so you can have a string quartet.

2) Play cat's cradle with it. This can be tricky, since it involves having a friend, or at least someone who does not object too violently to you and your love of string. Since most string-fanatics tend to be social outcasts, fortunately there are plenty of cat's cradle type things you can do on your own.

3) Fiddle with it. This can provide hours of fun and drives everyone around you insane since you have something to fiddle with and they don't. Bwahaha!

4) Tie up, hang or strangle people with it. Nuff said.

5) Compose odes to it. Such as :

Oh String! Oh String!
You're a wonderful thing!
You make me want to sing!
And I feel amazing!

You make my mind ping!
You make my ears ring!
You make my spirits spring!
And my heart will take wing!

Oh what yoj you bring!
Oh string!

6) Modify lyrics to songs so that they include string. eg. "I Believe In Miracles" - "You sexy string!"

7) Talk about it. "Do you like string?" can be a great conversation starter, and you may even encounter other string addicts by discussing it! (Is there a rec.string newsgroup?)

8) Attach one end to a fixed point, and a small object to the other. Push the object, and watch it swing backwards and forth. Very calming after a hard day's work.

9) Tie loads of knots in it (if you have several pieces of string, tie them together for more fun) and spend several hours untangling.

10) Treat your piece of string like a living entity. Feed it, give it presents on its birthday, take it for walks, smack it when it misbehaves, send e-mails to it... the possibilities are endless.

Things One Should Not Do With String

Yes, wonderful as it may be, there are some string-related activities that are not advisable.

1) Do not eat it. It is not particularly nutritious, people will question your sanity and the size of your appetite, and if you suddenly decide that string is not so tasty after all and stop eating it, you will have string hanging out of your mouth forever more. Of course, you could cut it, but that would defeat the purpose.

2) Naturally, people will be jealous of your string and try to steal it. But before fighting back, assess the height and shoe size of the person in question. If said person is bigger than you, ask yourself: is saving your string worth the wounds that will be inflicted on your hands as a result of the battle? If person is over a foot taller than you and wears size fifteen shoes, give it up. Resistance Is Futile.

3) Do not make deals with pieces of string. You can guarantee that strings will be attached.

4) Try to avoid falling in love with string. It will tear at your heart strings.

5) A fling with some string may sound terribly poetic, but you are only too likely to get tied down.


Now you are almost ready to enter the wonderful world of string! But before you do, a few tips.

Tip #1: If your relationship with string seems strained, you can calculate the tension by multiplying the modulus of elasticity by the extension and dividing by the initial length.

Tip #2: Imagination can get you out of the trickiest cat's cradle situations.

Tip #3: If you are caught playing cat's cradle during Physics, tell the teacher it you are playing Schrodinger's Cat's Cradle. He/she will be so impressed by your knowledge of Austrian Physicists that he/she will not punish you.

Tip #4: It is a commonly acknowledged fact that barkeepers will never serve pieces of string. Therefore, if you wish to go to the pub with your string, ensure that it is worn out and tie a knot in it. When the barkeeper asks it if it's a piece of string, it can answer, "No, I'm a frayed knot" and be served.

Next week: the beginner's guide to magnets!