The Old Ones

FADE IN:

INT. OLD FOLK'S HOME. SITTING ROOM - DAY

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY and SMILLICENT are sitting in wheels chairs, facing each other. Ethel-Zed The Unsteady is busily knitting and ignoring Smillicent.

SMILLICENT
When my grand daughter was in Canada, she had a horse. But when I was young, at my old school, my sister-

PAUL approaches, with the aid of a zimmer frame.

PAUL
What you doing, Miss Warnes?

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY
If I could find my bifocals, I'd be watching it.

PAUL
Good. Now gives us a hand with my will.

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY
You don't have a Will. He's all mine.
(to Smillicent)
Want to go to the games room and play scrabble?

SMILLICENT
Well, I really need to organise myself for when Victoria, my friend from my old school, visits. But all right.

Ethel-Zed The Unsteady puts aside her knitting, and she and Smillicent wheel themselves out of the room.

INT. OLD FOLK'S HOME. GAMES ROOM - DAY

OLD MAID, MARION, sits in one corner, struggling to make paper cranes with her arthritic fingers. At a table, WILFRED and RONALD are playing scrabble.

WILFRED
Put the wireless on. I want to know whether the Spice Hags or Codgerzone have sold more 45s this week.

RONALD
It could be "We Like Garden Parties" by the Venga Fogies. Or "So Old" by the Cores.

He switches on the 'wireless'.

MARCUS BAD-YEAR (o.s.)
And so the best selling record in today's hit parade is "I Hope I Die" by Robert Williams. I sent him a telegraph asking how he's going to celebrate tonight. An extra helping of stew, he says.

As the opening strains of "I Hope I Die" begin, Ethel-Zed The Unsteady and Smillicent enter. Ethel-Zed, attempting to reverse her wheelchair into a suitable position, backs into the 'wireless', knocking it to the ground. The sound abruptly dies.

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY
Scank dodgy reversing! Anyway, can we play?

RONALD
No! You big cheat!

SMILLICENT
Can we play after you, then?

Ronald ignores her in favour of contemplating his tiles, making the expected "hmm" noises.

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY
Where's Christopher?

WILFRED
Ooh! Asking after Christopher! I'll have to tell Michelle about this!

Ethel-Zed The Unsteady hits him on the head with a rolled up copy of Yours Magazine. Wilfred retaliates with a walking stick.

OLD MAID, MARION
Would you two stop making your courtship so obvious?

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY, SMILLICENT, WILFRED and RONALD
Who are you?

RONALD
(to Ethel-Zed The Unsteady)
Anyway, I think he's watching cricket in the lounge. Or trundling through the countryside in his three wheeled Mini. Speaking of which, what happened in the Mini back in the good old days?

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY
Nothing! All we did was listen to Beatles 78s. Specifically the songs, "When I Was 64" and "With A Little Help From The Nurses".

WILFRED
Ooh! She remembers!

ETHEL-ZED THE UNSTEADY
I remember everything! When I were a lass-

SMILLICENT
Oh! When I was young-

RONALD
Just a sec.

He removes his false teeth.

WILFRED
Do you have to do that in public?

ZED
Yes. It's almost as bad as when you used to crack your fingers.

RONALD
You mean like this?

He cracks a finger. It falls off.

D'oh!

SMILLICENT
Oh! At my old school, when we were in Canada, I had a friend who-

FADE OUT.

Eat your heart out, Victor Meldrew. (It goes well with cabbages.)