I bought a teen magazine for the first time in three years. Simply to remind myself of how bad they were. I like reading pants magazines, in the same way that I like visiting pants websites and writing pantsly.

But I was in for a surprise. "Welcome to the all-new Bliss!" the "ed's letter" started. "The new Bliss is for girls who want a bit more from their mags - for girls who want to be treated like a person, not a teenager - for girls who have something to say about the world and want to get their voices heard - and we're listening." While the sentence structure wasn't terribly impressive, I was glad they were making a conscientious effort to appeal to people with who needed at least two hands on which to count their braincells.

Well, they had an article about a murdered six-year-old beauty queen, an article about vivisection, an article about bullying, and a bit about eating-disorders (although it was in the midst of an interview with Kate Winslet.) Which is a start I suppose . . . but there were also over fifty pages of fashion and beauty, eight posters and five quizzes: "Are you soul sisters?", "How do you rate on a date?", "Which big night out's for you?", "Are you funny?" and "What does your lipstick say about you?" Plus the usual adverts, advice, horrorscopes, celebrity "goss" and embarrassing stories.

And, best of all, "How to pull in under 30 minutes."

The amazing thing about this article is that not only could it help your love life no end, but it could change your attitude towards life, the universe, and everything - permanently! Watch it transform me for the better!


The Article Says: The Scenario: Imagine you're in your local cafe waiting for your best mate, when suddenly you spot him. The first thing to do is get yourself noticed...
The Old Zed would not be in "her local cafe" in the first place. Zed doesn't have a local cafe, never mind go to it.
BUT! The NEW Zed would hear about a "cool" hang-out and say, "Mum, can I go to that new trendy cafe after school?"
"Why on earth do you want to go to a cafe?" her mother would ask.
"So I can pull!" Zed would exclaim.
"Erm, all right, if you say so."
Next, Zed would say to Marion, "Hey, do you want to go to that new trendy cafe after school one day? Except you would have to be half an hour late so I could pull in the meantime."
"If you say so," Marion would answer, after a bit of doubt. "But what about William?"
Zed would proceed hit Marion with her pencil case or strangle her with Smill's cat's cradle string.
Anyway, Zed makes it to the new trendy cafe, when she spots HIM! The man of her dreams! Whatever he's doing in Carlisle!

The Article Says: Look Cute. Pout your lips ever so slightly and glance in his general direction, but don't make direct eye contact at this point.
The Old Zed would think, "Yoj. Another person who wouldn't think about me in a million years." She would glance at him a few times, and eventually their eyes would meet. She would hold his gaze for a few seconds, then look away. Then back. He's talking to his "mate". And again. He's still talking to his mate. Probably saying, "Look at that strange geen." Yes, his mate's looking at her now. D'oh.
BUT! The NEW Zed would spend five minutes trying to form a pout with her lips. Eventually - since she still wouldn't possess a compact - she would go into the toilets to look at her expression in the mirror. Yep, she looks like a geen all right. But geenery is what she's trying to achieve. She goes back into the café, pouting away. She glances in his direction. He glances in hers. But she doesn't stare. Instead, she watches him out of the corner of her eye while she pretends to be fascinated with menus that she doesn't care about.

The Article Says: Give a hint. Appear to be looking for a clock, then start walking around casually as if searching for someone wearing a watch.
The Old Zed would be wearing a watch. And her ancient jumper would have sleeves so short that the watch would be visible at all times.
BUT! The NEW Zed would have intentionally left her watch at home. Since her desire to know the time would still be great, she would start wandering round the cafe, staring at people's wrists for signs of watches and feeling totally self- conscious. She would see watches to the left of her, watches to the right of her, but no, they wouldn't do. She would have to ask HIM for the time.

The Article Says: Ask the time. Say, "Hi, have you got the time? Oh no, that means I'm twenty minutes early to meet my friend."
The Old Zed would glance at her own watch and see that Marion was already twenty minutes late and presumably not going to arrive at all.
BUT! The NEW Zed would say casually say, "Excuse me, but have you got the time?"
"Nope," HE would say, "but there's a heauge clock over there on the wall if you're really interested."
"Oh," she would say, "I didn't see that. Silly me. I must be going blind. I'm short sighted, you see."
"Then what use are your glasses if you still can't see?"
D'oh!

The Article Says: Use subtlety. Say, "Where did you get your trainers from? My brother's been looking for a pair of those everywhere."
The Old Zed would say, "Ummm... nice trainers."
HE would reply, "Yes, they are, aren't they?" And the conversation would die.
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "Where did you get your trainers from? My brother's been looking for a pair of those everywhere."
HE would tell her the name of the shop.
"Oh," she would say. "Great." And the conversation would die.

The Article Says: Be positive. "I'd love a coffee, but only if I can get you one back. It's really quite cool in here isn't it? Is this one of your regular hang-outs then?"
The Old Zed would say, "I don't like coffee," if asked if she wanted one.
"Tea, then?" he would say.
"I don't like that either."
"Milk? Coke?"
"I don't like those either."
"You don't like much, do you?"
"Well, I like... water."
"Can I get you some water then?"
"As long as it's not fizzy."
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "I've just had a coffee, but I'll get you one, if you like. It's really quite, um, cool in here, isn't it?"
"Erm, I suppose so," he would answer, looking around and wondering what sort of freak said "cool" and where his "mate" had gone.
"Do you come here often?" Zed would ask.
"Not really," he would say. And I'm not coming back either!

The Article Says: Massage his ego. "You're only 18, oh, I thought you were older." Say this while keeping eye contact and pointing your body straight at him.
The Old Zed would say, "Really? So, um, are you still at school?" and feel hopelessly "dorky" for talking about education.
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "You're only 18, oh, I thought you were older."
"How old are you?" he would ask.
"Seventeen," she would answer.
"You don't look seventeen either," he would reply. You could pass for twelve.

The Article Says: Act alluring. "You seem to know this area well, where's that new trendy club that everyone's talking about?"
The Old Zed would say, "Can I ask a really stupid question? Where's the bus station? I've lived here all my life, but I have geographical dyslexia."
"How do you get into town if you don't know where the bus station is?" he would ask.
"Well, I hardly ever get the bus. My, um, parents take me."
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "You seem to know this area well, where's that new trendy club that everyone's talking about?"
"What new 'trendy' club?" he would ask, wincing at the word 'trendy'.
"Oh, erm..." Zed would try to recall all the names of clubs in Carlisle. "I've forgotten."

The Article Says: Add mystery. "Yeah, I've been to New York a couple of times, but that was before I got so busy this year."
The Old Zed would say, "Most of my acquaintances went to New York last year while they were on a ski trip, but I was busy painting jigsaws at the time."
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "Yeah, I've been to New York a couple of times."
"A couple of times?" he would say. "Didn't you say your parents could hardly afford to keep sending you to school?"
"Yeah, but that was before the Labour government came in and made their mortgage go up four times. My parents' mortgage that is, not the Labour government's."
"Ok. So, what's New York like then?"
"Erm... big?"

The Article Says: Be keen but cool. "It would be really nice to see you again. Try and catch me on my home number, but I'm not in much."
The Old Zed would say, "Um, nice to meet you."
"You too," he would say, and RUN!
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "It would be really nice to see you again." Shame I don't want to see you again, he would think. "My telephone number's 015555 5555, but you won't be able to get through very often."
"Why not?" he would ask, wondering if geen-features had a social life after all.
"Because between us, my brother and I manage to spend most of the hours in the day on the Internet."

The Article Says: Make the move. "I've got to go now, but I'll be at the sports centre on Saturday. Here's my number, call me if you're going to be around and fancy hanging out there."
The Old Zed would mumble, "I'd better go", reasoning that if she left first, he wouldn't be the one to run away from her.
"What about your friend?" he would ask.
"It doesn't look like she's going to turn up, after all. Bye!"
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "Doesn't look like my friend's going to turn up. I'd better go so I don't miss the bus. I'll be at the sports centre on Saturday, so if you want to hang out there... well let me know." Now how on earth was she going to get to the sports centre on Saturday? And what was she going to do there?
"Erm, I think I'm visiting my great uncle Bob in Australia on Saturday."

The Article Says: Stop right there, that's 27 minutes of 100% pure pulling power. Now, what's that drooling in your lap?
The Old Zed Would be utterly humiliated.
BUT! The NEW Zed Would be... utterly humiliated too.


What went wrong? "It takes less than half an hour to make that fine lad fall for your wily ways," the article had said. "That's a guarantee." Can she get her money back?

Oh, wait! She forgot to try the "lingo that'll lure him"!

Football

The Old Zed would say, "Have you ever played table football? It's great. Here are some tips for winning: always be red, eat purple sweets and listen to the Divine Comedy."
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "Don't you think football's offside trap is a little bit dated in this day and age?"
And since the man of her dreams wouldn't give a monkey's about football, he'd say, "Erm... what?"

TV

The Old Zed would say, "Erm, I don't watch a lot of TV. Just The Young Ones and sometimes The X Files."
"What do you do then?"
"Erm... I go on the Internet. A bit. And listen to music."
"What music do you like?"
"Madness, Duran Duran, The Cure, The Stranglers, Aerosmith, Suede, Sleeper, Republica - erm, what about you?"
"None of the above."
BUT! The NEW Zed would say, "I truly believe that Men Behaving Badly is the best programme since the invention of TV."
"Really? Did you see that episode where...?"
"No... I don't think so."
"Ok, how about that one where...?"
"No... I've only actually seen it once, but I thought it was excellent."
"What episode did you see then?"
"Erm..."

Films

The Old Zed would say, "My favourite film is 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'."
"Yeah, that's 'cool'. What else do you like?"
"Erm... 'Clockwise'. 'Nuns On The Run'. 'The Full Monty'. I don't watch many films."
BUT! The New Zed would say, "I really enjoyed the pyrotechnics in The Seige, but Bruce Willis was a bit wooden."
"Really? I haven't seen it. What's it about?"
"Erm..."


Is it just me? I know it's partly me - the guarantee probably only holds true if you read the magazine seriously (or are a professional actress and improvisor) - but how out of touch with reality are they?