One sunny Sunday afternoon, CZ, Queen of Bloxed, said to William, King of Bloxed, "Isn't life great? I am happy. You are happy. Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person is happy. Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person is happy. Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket is happy. And Alice, Queen of Everything, is happy. And I thought verbal voodoo would be an aevil thing."

"Someone is not happy," William, King of Bloxed, said ominously. "I saw Lord David Brackley of Civil Engineering looking very twitter and bisted this morning."

"Lord David Brackley of Civil Engineering? Twitter and bisted? Surely that is a paradox!"

"No, I saw him with my own eyes. I think he misses Alice, Queen of Everything."

"Oh well," Queen CZ said. "I will ask Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket to bring some joy into his life, by means of verbal voodoo." CZ, Queen of Bloxed, had begged and pleaded for Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket to reintroduce the art of verbal voodoo into her mind, but he had refused. After that scary morning with CZ the scankwench, he was taking no chances. And so she had to ask him to type all the things he wanted. "But that can wait until later. For now, how about a game of Bloxed?"

William, King of Bloxed, agreed and they turned on the royal computer and played happily. But suddenly, when Queen CZ was on level 57 and King William was on level 43, they heard an earth- shattering KABOOM!

"What was that?" CZ, Queen of Bloxed, asked. "My game is not over, and neither is yours!"

"Never mind," William, King of Bloxed, said. "I'm sure it's just another tiresome peasant rising; no need for us to interrupt our game."

So they carried on playing, completely unaware what was going on not far away.

While Queen CZ and King William had been playing Bloxed, Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Alice, Queen of Everything, had been sitting around, having a pleasant conversation. Actually, he was talking about cricket and she was talking about everything, and neither was paying a scrap of attention to what the other was saying. But they were happy anyway.

That is, until their voices were drowned out by an earth- shattering KABOOM and everything went black.

When they came to their senses, they found themselves in a hospital. "What has happened?" Alice, Queen of Everything, asked.

"Your house blew up," a nurse told her. "It is believed that there was a bomb planted in your hallway, presumably planted randomly by some villains. But you and your husband are all right, and that is all that's imporantant."

"No it isn't!" Queen Alice cried. "Where am I going to stay? I sold the palace where I used to live."

The nurse shrugged.

Alice, Queen of Everything, started to get frantic, but Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket said, "Do not worry. Using verbal voodoo, I can make my house come back."

"Your house?" Alice, Queen of Everything, cried. "It is mine! But indeed, it is a good idea." (Since they were of different classes, Queen Alice believed firmly that everything she had owned before the marriage was hers and only hers, and everything that had belonged to Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket was more hers than his.)

And so they wrote their house back into existence, left the hospital and went home.

However, things did not settle down. Everyone from miles around had heard the earth-shattering KABOOM and had discovered that it was Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's manor that had totally and utterly blown up.

For it to resurrect itself so quickly was, in most people's eyes, a physical impossibility. It was not a place that people passed often, but it was only a matter of time before someone did.

It was Queen CZ's family that saw it first. This consisted of her father, Sir Ian of Pianos; her mother, Linda The Little Red Hen; and her brother, Sir Jon of DOOM. They were going to visit CZ, Queen of Bloxed, when they passed Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's manor.

"Ey up?" Sir Jon of DOOM said. "Isn't this Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's house. Didn't that explode?"

"We-ird," Linda The Little Red Hen. "We shall ask Zobat if she knows anything about it." ('Zobat' being an affectionate but politically incorrect nickname for CZ, Queen of Bloxed.)

When they arrived at the castle, they found Queen CZ and King William sitting in front of the royal computer, frantically thinking.

"What are you doing?" Sir Ian of Pianos asked.

"We are trying to finish our column for the Bloxed Times, but we can not think of any ideas," CZ, Queen of Bloxed, told him. As King and Queen of Bloxed, CZ and William were expected to write a regular column in the Bloxed Times, and this often caused them great stress, as they could never think of things to write about.

"Have you seen Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's house?" Linda The Little Red Hen asked.

"Yes - or what was left of it," CZ, Queen of Bloxed, said. "It was blown up. But we have already written about that."

"No, it has suddenly rebuilt itself!" her mother said.

"Really?" William, King of Bloxed, asked. "Are you sure?"

"Certain," Sir Ian Of Pianos said.

"Ok, then we shall write about that," Queen CZ said.

The following day, The Bloxed Times was published, and nearly everyone read Queen CZ and King William's column. And at once, people started to gossip about the mysterious reappearance of Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's house.

At first the general public reasoned that it must have been rebuilt very very fast by a million builders. But when all the builders in the queendom said they had not helped rebuild it, that argument failed.

And so the theory came about that Alice, Queen of Everything, and Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket were using magicke powers. And the rumours spread and got more and more outrageous.

At first Alice, Queen of Everything, and Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket laughed at it all. But when their house was besieged by reporters, things became more serious. They knew they could not tell people about verbal voodoo, since everyone would be wanting it, and if they got it, things could get dangerous. So they had to use verbal voodoo to get the reporters to leave their manor.

However, they were still getting bad press. And when Queen Alice read, "'I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH SIR CHRISTOPHER BAGOT OF CRICKET AND HE MADE ME DISAPPEAR' - AN INVISIBLE GIRL TELLS HER STORY" on the front page of one of the tabloids (along with a photograph of the invisible girl), she was most distressed.

"Um, yes," her husband said, "it is true that I spent the night with her. But only in the general sense of the word. We spent the night discussing life, the universe and cricket."

"Ah." Queen Alice was relieved. "And as for the disappearing part, well, presumably she did not want to show her face again after such a humiliating event."

But something more sinister was going on. They were getting strange 'phonecalls where the person at the other end just breathed at them then hung up. And they were getting threatening letters through the mailbox; pieces of white paper with words written on them in what looked like blood. The messages bore words such as, "DIE, BAGOT, DIE!" and "WHAT YER GONNA LOOK LIKE WITH A CHIMNEY ON YOU?"

Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket found this funny, but Queen Alice began to get seriously worried. "We really must think up a reason why our house was rebuilt so quickly," she said. "This person obviously thinks we're aevil and the general public will never shut up."

"We could try verbal voodoo," Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket suggested, "and make everyone forget all about it." But when they tried this, people simply saw a newspaper and remembered about it. They tried eliminating all the newspapers in existence, but people only set them up again. And so they were completely stuck.

But they managed to get through a week.

Then their house blew up again.

Of course, this drove the public crazy, but Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Alice, Queen of Everything, didn't care. "We must create a better house," Queen Alice said. "One that does not fall down, even when a bomb explodes. And it must be a place of high security, so no journalists, aevil letter senders and terrorists can get in."

"A castle," Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket said. "And it must be a castle in the middle of nowhere so no one can find us."

And so they created a castle in the middle of nowhere and moved in to it. But it was not quite as in the middle of nowhere as they had hoped. They were safe from journalists and their hate-mailer, but the very next day there was a knock at the door.

After checking that it was not a journalist or terrorist, they opened the door to their visitor. "Hello," he said. "I do not believe you have planning permission to build this castle."

"Um..."

"And I don't believe you'll be able to get permission. This is the middle of a national park. So we will have to demolish it," the man continued.

But Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Alice, Queen of Everything, were not worried. "We will just have to build a castle somewhere else," he said.

But when they wrote of another castle being created, nothing happened. They wrote of other things happening, but they did not happen either. "Oh no!" Queen Alice cried. "Verbal voodoo is not working anymore!"

"Never mind," Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket said. "All we must do is go into hiding for a while. And I know just the place."

Some time later they arrived at the castle of Queen CZ and King William, and rang the doorbell. The Sovereigns of Bloxed answered quickly. "Hello," they said.

"Hello," said Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket. "We are without a house, and were wondering if you could stay with you for a while, until we can find a new one and the reporters leave us alone."

"Why, certainly," said CZ, Queen of Bloxed. "But speaking of houses how on earth was yours rebuilt so quickly?"

"By verbal voodoo," Queen Alice said.

"So why can't you use verbal voodoo to make another one?" King William inquired.

"We used it to build a castle in the middle of nowhere," Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket explained. "But it was in the middle of a national park and so it was demolished. And when we tried to use verbal voodoo again, it did not work."

"Oh no," CZ, Queen of Bloxed, said. "That can only mean one thing : someone else is using verbal voodoo to prevent yours from working."

"But who could that be?" Queen Alice asked. "You don't have it anymore, and Rohan and Smillurrr The Terrifically Nice People don't have it anymore and wouldn't use it if they did."

"Maybe it's someone aevil," King William said. "And it is the same person that has been blowing up your house."

"But who could that be?" Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket asked. "Who would dislike us?"

CZ, Queen of Bloxed, and William, King of Bloxed, privately thought that several people disliked Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Alice, Queen of Everything. But they didn't say that. Instead they said, "Never mind. Come on in."

The Castle of Bloxed was a big place, and the Bloxed Sovereigns thought that they could successfully manage to avoid their guests. Unfortunately, a month later, Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Alice, Queen of Everything, were showing no signs of leaving. The press was still mystified about their complete disappearance, and they hadn't made any plans to move out any time soon. They weren't paying any rent either.

And the four were driving each other up the walls and across the ceilings. Queen Alice was acting as though she owned the place and bossing everyone around, much to Queen CZ and King William's chagrin. And William, King of Bloxed, was afraid that the relationship between Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Queen CZ wasn't completely platonic. And indeed, it wasn't. Although verbal voodoo had caused Queen CZ to fall truly, madly, deeply in love with King William, nothing had been written to counteract The Aevil Duo's wishes, and so CZ, Queen of Bloxed, was still madly in love with Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket as well. And for his part, he was extremely grateful to her for recently rescuing him from a well which he had fallen down. However, this mutual interest turned to mutual hatred when Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket started playing cricket inside the castle and accidentally broke several items, including the monitor of the royal computer. As revenge, Queen CZ donated all his cricket bats to charity, and he was unable to leave the castle to buy new ones, for fear of being Seen.

What was worse still was that scary anonymous notes had started to arrive at the castle, and it wasn't long before the freaky 'phonecalls started as well. No one could work out how people knew about Queen Alice and Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket were living there. The only people who they had told were Queen CZ's family, King William's family, Queen Alice's family, Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's family, The Terrifically Nice People Rohan and Smillurrr, Maid Marion, King Nate the Great, The Good Sorceress Chaos, The Naughty Slasher Princess Flink the X- Phile of Speed-Racer-dom with a swollen foot... But none of them would tell anyone anything. Would they?

Either way, Queen CZ and King William were getting slightly worried. The castle had high security, but if the enemy had verbal voodoo, bombs could be planted in the castle without anyone entering...

And so they decided to call a house meeting to decide what to do.

The meeting got off to a bad start, "Would you two STOP ELBOWING EACH OTHER?" Alice, Queen of Everything, said to the Bloxed Sovereigns

"Why should we?" Queen CZ shot back. They had a long and pointless argument, which was only cut short when Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and King William left to play cricket.

They reassembled, and the Bloxed Sovereigns revealed their wishes. "Are you trying to get rid of us?" Alice, Queen of Everything, asked, sounding most insulted.

"No..." said King William. "We just fear for our own safety, and if you don't get out of here soon, we may be the victims of a heauge bombness."

"Well that's nice, isn't it?" Queen Alice retorted. And so she and King William had a long and pointless argument, which was only cut short when Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket and Queen CZ left to play cricket.

Finally they got down to business. "I think the first thing we need to do is figure out who this aevil person could be," CZ, Queen of Bloxed, said. "Assuming it is just one person. The bombs could be from random terrorists, the letters and phonecalls from those who are scared of what they don't know. But the fact that verbal voodoo has stopped working as well suggests that there's just one aevil person."

"It could be you," King William said to Queen CZ. "Because you're jealous of Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket's relationship with Alice, Queen of Everything."

"It could be you," Queen CZ retorted. "Because you're insecure and paranoid and want Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket out of the picture."

"It could be you," Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket said to Alice Queen of Everything. "For publicity."

"It could be you," Queen Alice replied. "For insurance."

"Ok, let's be serious," Queen CZ said (a rare thing for her to say.) "Can you think of anyone who REALLY hates you?"

"It could be the invisible girl," King William suggested. "Who hates-" He was silenced by Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket, threatening him with a cricket bat. (Well, it was a flute case, because all the cricket bats in the castle had been donated to charity. What a flute case was doing in the castle was another matter.)

But King William, Queen CZ and Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket didn't expect her to be that vindictive. After all, she'd already sold her story to the press. And Queen Alice didn't see why the invisible girl should bear a grudge anyway.

"It could be Maid Marion," CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, suggested. "Because she has not been in this story very much."

But they all doubted that Maid Marion would be so aevil. Besides, she hadn't been at school for the last six years, so she wouldn't have a clue was going on anyway.

"It could be Queen Christopher Neill of Communism because he is jealous of Alice, Queen of Everything," William, King of Bloxed, suggested.

Queen CZ elbowed him violently. "Don't be such a homophobic Tory-boy," she accused. (Her relationship with King William had become very strained lately.)

"You're only saying that because you're a raving loony having a leek relationship with Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person," King William elbowed back.

They had a long argument about politics and homosexuality and she started threatening him with the flute case, only cut off when Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket said,

"It could be Lord David Brackley of Civil Engineering."

"Oh no," Queen Alice said quickly. "Dave wouldn't do a thing like that."

But there was doubt in the minds of both the Sovereigns of Bloxed. "Every time I see him he looks twitter and bisted," King William pointed out.

"We were going to ask you to give him some good fortune using verbal voodoo, but before we could your house blew up," CZ, Queen of Bloxed, said.

"Ok..." Queen Alice said slowly. "But even if it was Dave - which it isn't - what are we going to do?"

"Put a bombness in his house?" William, King of Bloxed, suggested.

Queen Alice was aghast. "No way!"

"The best solution is verbal voodoo," Queen CZ said. "So we could make him nice again. Which would involve finding the gypsy and either you or King William buying it, since everyone else has possessed the gift already."

"But what about clause 234702342 in the Bloxed Law?" King William asked.

"Oh yes," Queen CZ remembered. A little while again they had banned all gypsies from the Queendom, since they were being aevil. Including the one that had sold her verbal voodoo, since she hadn't thought they would ever need it again. "Well, we can pass another law, letting gypsies come back."

"But what if she doesn't return?" Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket said. "We might never find her."

They sat in silent thought for a few minutes. "Well, how about we try reasoning with Lord David Brackley Of Civil Engineering?" King William asked finally. "We could make some sort of bargain with him."

"He'll want me back," Queen Alice said, miserably.

"Huh," said CZ, Queen Of Bloxed. "You sound sure of yourself."

"I'm sure we could find him someone else," Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket said.

"Yes," William, King of Bloxed said. "He is back at university right now, isn't he?" (The time scale of this story is incredibly warped.) "Then let us be brave and go there."

"But how shall we travel?" Queen CZ asked.

"I would drive, but my car is being aevil," Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket said.

"So is mine," Alice, Queen of Everything, said. "No doubt the result of verbal voodoo."

William had just failed his driving test for the 657th time. CZ hadn't had a driving lesson for the last six years, because all the instructors said, "You are the Queen; you have no need for such a tiresome thing as driving."

"Never fear," Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket said. "I am sure we can borrow Sir Mark Of Minis' Mini." (I promised to get him into the story somehow!)

They 'phoned him and explained the situation, and he agreed to bring the Mini to the Castle Of Bloxed for their usage (in exchange for several thousand pints of ale.) And so the four fearful adventurers set off to the University of Bath.

The journey was long and hard. As well as slaying the usual fiendly dragons and rescuing a couple of fair maidens from various towers, they had to stop several times to sign autographs. "Why are you travelling in a Mini?" everyone asked them, which drove them steadily insane, because what was wrong with Minis? The usual quarrelling broke out, and they were all very glad to arrive in Bath. However, they had had to be grateful that they had not been tortured at all by verbal voodoo.

After a short wander around Bath University, they noticed Lord David Brackley Of Civil Engineering coming towards them.

"He doesn't look very twitter and bisted," Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket remarked. And he didn't, only a little bit downcast.

He looked up at that point, and saw them all. He smiled wistfully and said, "Hello."

And there was no doubt in any of their minds : Lord David Brackley Of Civil Engineering was not the aevil person.

They had a brief, somewhat uncomfortable conversation, then parted company. "So it is not him," King William said on the way back to the Mini. "I am glad. I always liked Lord David Brackley Of Civil Engineering. But now we have to think who else it could be."

"Oh well," Alice, Queen of Everything, said. "The aevilness seems to have ceased for the time being."

"Oh well?" Queen CZ cried. "Well!"

They looked at her very oddly, as can only be expected. So did some passers by.

"Well!" Queen CZ yelled again. She turned to Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket. "Remember that night when I rescued you from the well? You were saying something about Smillurrr." (In her excitement, she had forgotten to call Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person by her proper title.)

"He STILL hasn't stopped thinking about her," King William said.

"Was I?" Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket said, absent- mindedly hitting King William, causing him to go into extreme agony.

"Yes, Smillurrr and verbal voodoo!"

Queen Alice, who had been looking dubious suddenly remembered something. "Yes! It was that night when we went to the pub. I left early because I was embarrassed to be seen with you. Anyway, Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person was there, trying to tell you something at about ten thousand miles per hour, as usual."

"Oh yes," he said. "She was trying to convince me to let her have verbal voodoo."

"And you gave it to her!" Queen Alice exclaimed. "I saw you writing something down."

"So Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person has verbal voodoo," King William said. "But what harm could she possibly do with it? She is too nice to do anything aevil."

"It could be amnesia again," Queen CZ said. "Let us 'phone Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person, and ask him if she has been behaving strangely."

So they found a 'phonebox and CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, called Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person.

"Hello," she said. "Have you noticed Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person acting oddly recently?"

"She always acts oddly," Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person told her. "But she has been even stranger than usual. She keeps singing a modified version of The Bagot and cackling."

"It's her," she told her companions. "Modified in what way?" she asked Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person.

"It's aevil," he said. "Something like 'I'll get a gun / I'll have some fun / And then I will be on the run / After I have killed The Bagot.' I worry for his safety."

"Especially when you bear in mind that she has verbal voodoo," Queen CZ told him, cringing at Camilla's terrible poetry.

"Ywa? Heech!"

"Just make sure she doesn't write anything, ok? Now, do you think I could speak to her?"

CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, had a cunning plan...

"Ok." And within a few seconds, Camilla The Not Very Nice Person was on the line.

"What, exactly, do you have against Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket?" Queen CZ asked, trying to sound as friendly as possible.

"He is married to Queen Alice," Camilla The Not Very Nice Person confessed, sadly. "You see, a little while ago, I was looking through the stuff I collected in the sixth form. And as well as ten million rotating tetrahedra, paper cranes and failed attempts to make equilateral triangles, I found the original copy of 'The Bagot'.

"It was only then that I suddenly realised my mistake. Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket has been the only person ever to ask me out. And I said no to him. What was I thinking? And now it is too late, he is married to Queen Alice. So I'm going to KILL 'EM BOTH! I mean-"

"But why don't you use verbal voodoo to make him fall in love with you again?" Queen CZ suggested.

"It will not work," Camilla The Once Terrifically Nice Person moaned. "He is totally and utterly in love with Queen Alice, and I would know : I wrote it myself. Verbal voodoo can do almost anything : it can create love, but it can not destroy it. It is not stronger than love, not theirs anyway. Nothing is."

"Have you started writing romance novels or something?" Queen CZ asked, diverted momentarily.

"No, but perhaps I should..." Camilla The Once Terrifically Nice Person was never above a bit of self-flattery.

Realising that complimenting Camilla was never a good idea, CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, quickly returned to the subject. "Anyway you are mistaken! Have you not heard the news? Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket and Alice, Queen Of Everything, are getting divorced! You have a chance!"

"Really?" The phone lit up, and smoked contentedly. (?)

"Yes, and I'm sure he'd be more than willing to go out with you."

"Wow!"

"Hang on a minute, I'll just ask. He's right here with me."

CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, covered the receiver and said, "Ok, this is exceedingly strange. Camilla, The Once Terrifically Nice Person, has been acting aevilly. It turns out that she found her copy of The Bagot and has suddenly realised she should not have said no. Although I can't imagine why she should regret that- ow!" Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket hit her.

After she had recovered from her immense pain, she continued. "Anyway, she sees that it is now too late and wants to kill you two. But I told her that you were getting divorced and said that you-" She turned to Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket. "-would go out with her. She was delighted. So, will you?"

"Ok, but then what happens?"

"Well - please don't hit me - after about ten minutes in your company, she'll be desperate to get away."

Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket refrained from hitting her. Instead, he elbowed her so violently that she almost fell over. King William was overcome with jealousy.

"All right," Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket said. "If you're sure."

Queen CZ, wincing in anguish, uncovered the phone to tell Camilla The Once Terrifically Nice Person the good news.

"It's not fair," King William complained to Queen Alice. "Why does everyone fancy Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket?"

"Well, you don't, surely?" she said, sensibly.

"Of course I do," he said. "When we get home, I am going to erase clause 234702342 and when the gypsy returns to the Queendom Of Bloxed, I will buy Verbal Voodoo and write that I get to marry Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket." Then, realising who he was talking to, he said, "Sorry. I'll make sure you get to have CZ, Queen Of Bloxed."

"It's like musical chairs," Alice, Queen Of Everything, remarked. "But as long as it's not me and Camilla, I'll be happy. I still haven't forgiven her for refusing to use orange dye simply because she doesn't like orange."

The Aevil Ending, In Accordance With Rohan's Wishes

Just as CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, had predicted, Camilla The Once Again Terrifically Nice Person, decided that Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket was not the one for her. In fact, she came to this conclusion within two seconds of meeting him.

And so she and Rohan, the terrifically nice people, lived an idyllic life for a couple of weeks. Camilla was so happy that she wrote, "Suddenly, Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person's verbal voodoo stopped working" and it did just that. Because all verbal voodoo could cause now was harm, accidentally or otherwise. She had all she wanted, and that was Rohan. (Awwwww!)

Then, something went badly wrong.

Near to the dwelling of Rohan and Camilla, the terrifically nice people, there lived a very poor but religious geezer. When he saw how wonderful Acorn computers were, he prayed to God, "Please, God, give me an Acorn computer." Although God was against materialism, he thought the poor geezer deserved a bit of happiness on earth, so he sent down an Acorn computer.

Unfortunately it missed the poor geezer's house and hit Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person on the head instead. Rohan, of course, was not dead, but had amnesia, and thought it was several years ago, when he was The Aevil Wizard Rohan.

He decided it was time for some long overdue revenge on Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person (for being Camilla), Queen Alice (for being Alice) and CZ, Queen of Bloxed (for being better at him at Bloxed and causing him to marry Camilla). And why not get rid of them all in one go?

And so, he made a cunning plan. He 'phoned Queen CZ and asked her how to cheat at Angband and if there was any Maths homework. Then, ever-so-casually, he said, "Isn't it time you closed the Young Enterprise bank account?"

"Yes, I suppose it is," Queen CZ answered. "I will do it on Saturday."

Next he 'phoned Queen Alice and told her of Queen CZ's plans to close the bank account. And, as he had hoped, as Managing Director, she insisted on accompanying Queen CZ to the bank.

Finally, he said unto Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person, "CZ, Queen of Bloxed, and Alice, Queen of Everything, are closing the Young Enterprise bank account on Saturday."

And, as he had hoped, Camilla said, "MIMPH! Why didn't they tell me? I want to go with them!" (Since she wanted to feel important and have something to complain about. "I have to go to the bank, mimph!")

And so CZ, Queen of Bloxed, Alice, Queen of Everything, and Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person met at the bank that Saturday.

But suddenly a black cloud loomed overhead. They looked above to see that it was actually falling object. Before they could run, they were all crushed by it. The object had fallen thanks to one of The Aevil Wizard Rohan's spells. And the object was none other than Max The Wonder Horse.

Therefore, CZ, Queen of Bloxed, Alice, Queen of Everything, Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person, and Max The Wonder Horse were all totally dead.

And so William, King of Bloxed, The Aevil Wizard Rohan and Sir Christopher Bagot of Cricket decided to run the Kingdom Of Bloxed together. They invited Christopher Neill of Socialism to be a king as well, but he did not believe in a monarchy, so he said no. And so the once lovely queendom became a place of terror. King William yelled pants at everyone, built supermarkets everywhere and banned everything but the Spice Girls and All Saints from the radio. (The Aevil Wizard Rohan had reintroduced him to these interests.) King Rohan put a curse on every Acorn in the land and forced everyone to buy PCs again and worship the Gates God. He dug up Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person's body and performed grotesque scientific experiments on it, including bringing her back to life several times and torturing her. (He burned down St. Anne's and had bombs dropped on Canada.) If people didn't do as he said, he sent pieces of her to them in the post. And King Bagot made cricket compulsory for everyone and forced everyone to eat haggis three times a day, including a temporarily reincarnated CZ, who considered this extreme torture.

And they all lived aevilly ever after.


The Happy Ending, As Is Expected By Most People

Just as CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, had predicted, Camilla The Once Again Terrifically Nice Person, decided that Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket was not the one for her. In fact, she came to this conclusion within two seconds of meeting him.

What no one could understand was this : if Camilla had been so intent on killing Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket and Alice, Queen Of Everything, why hadn't she just written "they died"? But no one had ever fully understood Camilla.

One day, CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, William, King Of Bloxed, Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person and Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person were sitting around at the house of Rohan and Camilla, doing nothing in particular. (Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket was playing cricket; Alice, Queen Of Everything, was playing hockey.)

"I think it's time we gave everyone a happy ending," Queen CZ said. "Yet again."

The others agreed, and Camilla - who still had verbal voodoo - sat down at the computer. (An Acorn, of course.)

"Right," Queen CZ said. "King William and I are happy. You two are happy. Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket and Queen Alice are happy. But what about Sir David Brackley Of Civil Engineering?"

"I think he should get back together with Queen Alice," William, King of Bloxed, said. He still not given up on his gayk fantasy of marrying Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket.

"No," Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person said. "If Queen Alice and Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket split up, I might become the object of his affections again."

The sovereigns of Bloxed fought back the urge to groan.

"Hang on a sec," said Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person. "They would make an interesting threesome, wouldn't they? Queen Alice and Sir Chris and Lord Dave?"

"Brilliant!" Queen CZ cried. "But do use their proper titles, you could get into terrible trouble, you know."

("It was YOU that couldn't be bothered to type them out," Rohan complained to the author.)

And so Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person typed Rohan's suggestion. "Now, who has to live happily ever after?" she asked.

Together they made a list :

"CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, William, King Of Bloxed, Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person, Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person, Sir Christopher Bagot Of Cricket, Alice, Queen Of Everything, Lord David Brackley Of Civil Engineering, Maid Marion, Lady Woodward, Father Campbell, Max The Wonder Horse, Camilla's mother, King Nate The Great, The Good Sorceress Chaos, The Naughty Slasher Princess Flink The X-Phile Of Speed-Racer-Dom With A Swollen Foot, Prince Jeff Gordon of NASCAR, the appointer of Bloxed Sovereigns, The Invisible Girl, the nurse, Sir Ian Of Pianos, Linda The Little Red Hen, Sir Jon of DOOM, the planning permission geezer, Chris Neill of Socialism, and, last but not least, Sir Mark Of Minis, lived happily ever after."

"I'm sure we've forgotten someone," Rohan The Terrifically Nice Person said.

"Me too, but I can't think who," Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person said.

"Nor can I," William, King Of Bloxed, said.

"I know!" CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, cried. "Stupid us - only the most important person in the entire story. The gypsy!"

"The gypsy lived happily ever after too," Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person typed. But no words appeared on the screen.

"What's going on?" William, King Of Bloxed, asked. "It must be these dodgy Acorns."

CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, elbowed him violently, but she was equally mystified.

Unfortunately, after being expelled from the Queendom Of Bloxed, the gypsy had used verbal voodoo to travel back in time. It was something she'd always wanted to do, and she went to the period that had always fascinated her : the time of Robin Hood.

The gypsy had spent many merry hours merrily travelling around merry Sherwood Forest merrily selling Verbal Voodoo and merrily singing 'The Bagot' (this was possible since she had gone back to before it had been erased from her brain.) She even merrily encountered some of merry Robin Hood's merry men, although she had some not-very-merry trouble merrily finding and then merrily escaping from merry Nottingham.

But the moment that Camilla The Terrifically Nice Person hit the full stop following "lived happily ever after", the gypsy was struck by an arrow. (As I said, the time scale is very warped.)

She fell to the ground, knowing she only had seconds to live. Oh well, it was time to move on. But there was one last thing she had to do.

She took a piece of paper and pen from her pocket and wrote, "Everyone's verbal voodoo stopped working." She had always known it was too dangerous, but if she wasn't around to monitor sales, the ability could get into the hands of the wrong people, all too easily. But she had eliminated that possibility. And with that merry thought in mind, she died merrily.

And so no one ever got to use verbal voodoo again.

Nevertheless, they all lived happily/merrily ever after.