!Feelings 1.00 © C.Z. Warnes, 1998-2000. (C.Z. Warnes is © J.I. and S.L. Warnes, 1981-2000, in case you're wondering.) Summary ======= This ultra stupid program allows you to calculate the love, hate or like factor betweeen two people and the aevil, scank, wench and pants factor of an individual. The author accepts no responsibilities for the break up of relationships. Usage On Acorns =============== Double click on !Feelings icon. Input in name(s) in capital letters. Laugh. Repeat until you get fed up. Press escape. Usage On Other Platforms, Trainers And Sandals ============================================== Get an Acorn. They're the best. (No hard !Feelings to users of other machines.) Alternatively, get an Acorn emulator and follow above instructions. (Great detail, I know. Well, I've got an Acorn so I've never needed to emulate one.) Or, get an emulator of something else that understands BASIC and download the source code from: http://www.verbalvoodoo.org/stoof/fbasic.txt Anyone prepared to modify it for other platforms or other types of shoe, please let me know. Where To Get !Feelings ====================== A whore house. Or, if you can't be bothered to leave the computer, the various files can be located in the following places : !Feelings: http://www.verbalvoodoo.org/stoof/feel.arc This File: http://www.verbalvoodoo.org/fhelp.txt The BASIC: http://www.verbalvoodoo.org/stoof/fbasic.txt About The BASIC =============== I am pants at BASIC. This is the most sophisticated programme I've ever written in it. But long-winded as it is, it should work perfectly, apart from the purely mathematical error, whereby the numbers keep repeating themselves, never boiling down to a percentage. (Try "Claire Warnes hates Camilla Thomson, for example.) History ======= !Feelings is like !Love, only better. !Love being a program I wrote that only calculates the love factor. Since the BASIC was rather pants, my esteemed colleague (R. Shenoy), hater of line numbers, wrote a shorter, more user-friendly, but slightly dodgy and sadly lacking in character, version of !Love. Plans For Future Versions ========================= - Allow mixed case (RS) - Stop calculations if numbers repeat. (CZW) - Allow calculation of the geen factor, the mole factor, the mong factor and others. (CZW) - Make more user friendly (CZW/RS) - Make available in other shoes. (Whoever/CZW-once-she-learns-more- about-computers) - Reduce length of BASIC file (RS/CZW). Likelihood Of Us Implementing Above Things ========================================== Somewhere between zero and zero. Permission To Use ================= In order to use this program, you must send £10000000 or $999999999999 to me within five seconds of downloading it. If you do not, your computer will turn into an ax-wielding microwave, cook your hard disc and murder you. At least, it would if I was a bit cleverer. You have been warned. Distribution And Modification ============================= Give this to whoever you like. Suggestion: ask people, "Do you want me to give you !Feelings?" Feel free to modify it, as long as: 1) you give me credit for writing the original 2) you inform me of any funky modifications you've made. Contacting The Author ===================== The author can be reached at zed @ verbalvoodoo . org. Please send any comments, suggestions, problems or modifications you have made. Credits ======= Grateful thanks to: - A. Warnes who helped me learn some BASIC. - whoever wrote the "How To Use A BBC Master" book which I referred to. - whoever invented the concept of love factors. - R. Shenoy and C. Thomson for the encouragement / beta-testing. - W. Vasey, A. Holmes, M. Wong, and several others for liking it. Observation =========== As a rule, hate percentages often turn out higher than love percentages. Is there more hate than love in the world? Or are there simply a more appropriate proportion of Hs, As and Ts than there are Ls, Os and Vs in words? You decide.