Note: Anyone interested in dowsing is not to take offence. This "essay" has the sole purpose of . . . hang on, there is no purpose. But there's nothing wrong with dowsing; I just wanted something to babble about.

English has short words that mean a lot. For example 'dowse'. I couldn't find this really useful word in my Oxford English-French MiniDictionary, which suggests that there isn't a French equivalent. (I'm not surprised. Dowsing is a really stupid thing to do which only the English would think of.)

But my Collins Gem Pocket English Dictionary defines it as "search for underground water or minerals using a divining rod". But then you have to ask yourself: what in Mykos the Sheep's name is a divining rod? So you look for a better definition in The Oxford Paperback Dictionary and Thesaurus (which I don't like because it says 'castle' is pronounced car-sull. IT FLIPPIN' WELL ISN'T! I did live in one for 13 years, you know. I would know how it's pronounced!) According to that 'dowse' means 'search for underground water or minerals by holding stick or rod which dips abruptly when over right spot'. And this definition misses out an 'a' and a 'the'. And why on earth would a stick or rod want to do that?

So then you look up "divining rod", in the hope of gaining a better sense of understanding, but that apparently just mean 'dowser's forked twig'. Oh, that's really useful! It's like defining day as 'opposite of night' and night as 'opposite of day'.

So we refer back to Collins Gem Pocket English Dictionary to look up 'divining rod'. "Forked twig said to move when held over ground in which water or metal is to be found." Right. One last definition of dowse : "Search for underground water or minerals by holding a forked stick or rod which supposedly dips abruptly when over the right spot, but why it should do that is anyone's guess, and Mykos the Sheep only knows why anyone would spend their time dowsing, since there's loads of water and minerals around anyway."

Why waste a perfectly good five letter word on something as convoluted as that?

Since I've spent 2K of valuable web space defining 'dowse', I may as well conjugate it as well. Well, give some conjugatative bits of it in no particular order (in the some of the following, assume I am some water or minerals. Actually the human body is 90% water, and contains some minerals, but I'm not human . ..)

I dowse, I am dowsing, I was dowsing, I dowsed, I have dowsed, I will dowse, I might dowse, I would dowse, I would have dowsed, I will be dowsing, I had dowsed, I will have dowsed, I might have dowsed, I will be dowsing, I have been dowsing, I had been dowsing, I will have been dowsing, I am dowsed, I was dowsed, I will have been dowsing, I might have been dowsing, I should have been dowsing, I should dowse, I should have dowsed, I am being dowsed, I've been dowsed, I'd been dowsed, I will have been dowsed, I should have been dowsed, I would have been dowsed, I was being dowsed, I will be being dowsed, I would be being dowsed, I would have been being dowsed, I have been being dowsed, I had been being dowsed, I might have been being dowsed...

All these expressions are very useful. Learn them off by heart! Also, don't forget the adjective 'dowsing' (the dowsing man), the adverb 'dowsingly' (he said dowsingly) and the abstract nouns : dowsism, dowsation, dowsification, dowsability, dowsiness...

Now I'm going to invent a whole range of dowsing objectst!

# Dowsing Book - instructions on how to use a divining rod

# The Dowsery - where you buy divining rods.

# Dowsing Kit - other stuff you need when you're going dowsing. ie. food, water, clothes, walkman, story by Zed (yes, dowsing's that boring you'd take a story by me for entertainment. Hey if dowsing catches on after all this advertisement, I might be able to find a paying market my stories!) etc

# Dowsing Car Stickers - "We're going dowsing, so stop following us", "Divining rod on board", "My other car is a divining rod"...

# International Dowsers Club

# The Dowsers! New television series! Part 1:

(Theme tune)

Mr Dowser: What shall we do today?

Mrs Dowser: Let's go dowsing!

Little Dowsers: Yeah!

(All family members grab their divining rods and pile into the car. They drive for several miles then reach a moor. They get out and start walking round holding their divining rods. After several minutes Little Dowser 1's divining rod dips abruptly.)

Little Dowser 1: Hey look! I think I found something!

Mrs Dowser: Let's have a look!

(They dig in the ground and come up with a kipper.)

Mr Dowser: Oh dear. Only a shoelace. Let's go home.

(Theme tune)