It was daylight, but I was at a rather formal party at my house. I was wearing two short skirts - a denim one, which was slightly ripped, over a white one. I was upstairs in my parents bedroom, with a bloke wearing a Monster Magnet t-shirt, who was trying to rape me. He didn't have a chance, since his efforts were no match for my nimbleness, wit and cruelty.

He left the room and I left a little later. On the landing, he'd hung himself. I realised now that he was someone who'd expressed an interest in me at The Beercart Arms which I didn't return (not least because I knew nothing about him); his suicide seemed to be an attempt at revenge for rejecting his advances, and I felt exasperated.

2 August 2003: Suicidal Runaway Poetry-Writing 8-Year-Old Boy's Saviour

There was an eight-year-old boy, who, as if you couldn't guess from the title, was suicidal, ran away from home to live in the hills and wrote extremely-good-if-preachy poetry. Fortunately, after his first two poems, he met a kindred spirit who also wrote poetry, and they returned to civilisation together.

3 August 2003: God Is Dead And Only My Mum Cares

I went to see my old school friend Marion, who, in the dream, lived in a petrol station outside Carlisle. She said that my Beercart friend Nev had come round selling manuscript books and she really fancied him.

Katrina, my friend who moved to New Zealand, came to stay with me for a week. A bloke from Russia I'd met on the Internet also did that. He was in his thirties and was of an AevilStevic nature: he'd believed for a while that we were going out, despite me giving no indication of liking him like that, and he had pretty much invited himself to stay. However, on his fourth evening there, he asked why I'd asked him to stay. I responded, "So you could teach me to read Russian and play the Russian keyboard."

So he got out a Russian keyboard, which looked like a nine-button drum machine. I asked him where A and G were and he told me. From there, I instinctively worked out where B, F and F# were (to play sharps, you pressed the space between the appropriate buttons) on those notes composed a short but funchie tune without any mistakes. I was proud of myself, but he said, "You wanted me to show you how to do *that*?"

We had to go somewhere that evening and I was trying on loads of different clothes to wear for the occasion, without any logic. Eventually, I decided to wear turquoise fishnet tights on my arms and legs, along with my PVC mini-skirt and a black t-shirt. (What's my subconscious's obsession with turquoise fishnet anyway?)

I was leaving Canterbury for the last time, which required me to get a train from London that departed at 5.30pm. My family were driving me to the train station, but on the way, we stopped off at a large building, where my old housemate Jo lived, so I could say goodbye to her. I went to the reception to ask whereabouts in it she lived; in it, I saw one of Soppygit's brothers (who I've never met before), finding something under a plush armchair. He was in a bad mood and we argued.

Upstairs in the building was a large lecture theatre, and each seat was an entrance to a Tardis-like home, of which Soppygit's was one. My online friend Libbet was staying at another seat, so I said my fond farewells to her, then met Jo and a friend of hers (who probably doesn't exist in reality and even in the dream I'd never met before) in the lecture theatre, which metamorphosed into a street temporarily, where I exchanged fond farewells with them.

Then I thought to check my watch; it was 5.17, so I had to rush. I couldn't remember where the exit to the building was, but I asked a group of men doing aerobics in a wide, lavishly-decorated corridor, and they told me. Outside, I couldn't see my parents' rangerover, so I called Dad's mobile on mine. It was giving me a rather grim-sounding message as to the problems in connecting, when the rangerover pulled up near me. Mum jumped out of it in floods of tears and there was no sign of Dad or Noj.

One of them, at least, was clearly dead. Somehow, I doubted I was going to the station now. My Mum and I embraced; finally, just to be sure, I asked who was it, and she replied, "The father of Jesus."

Ok, she's just going religious on me, I thought, and she really means my Dad. I felt surprisingly numb about it, and it then transpired that Dad was still alive. So was Noj. Perhaps she meant Joseph, I thought. I never knew he was still alive and surely living for 2000-and-something years is long enough? Finally I worked it out: God was dead. What was I supposed to think of that?

Monday 4 August 2003: The Female Sort Of Birds I Could Handle, But Feathered Ones? Eep!

I was going out with a Greek bloke, who was a bit younger than me, shorter than me when I had my boots on, went to UKC and I only got to see once a year. The first time I saw him, we'd ended up becoming the parents of . . . two yellow birds. Just before I was to see him for the second time, I noticed one of the birds just outside Eliot College . . . and had sex with it! I mentioned this to a few people and they seemed to think it was a bit weird, but I was convinced this was a perfectly normal activity. I was a little worried about meeting the bloke though - what if I wasn't attracted to him? - but I reasoned I must have been once so why not now? And indeed our reunion (outside corridor N4E in Eliot College) was fine.

I was living in Cumbria for the summer and applied for a dubious-sounding job in Birmingham which was supposed to instantly earn me £2630. A cross between my online friends Sofie and Sarah Yoj who was also seemingly living in Cumbria was also interested and decided to get a train to Birmingham to find out more about it. I decided to do likewise.

Omega Music, my parents' business, was in Canterbury. I was working in the office and Anna The Goth and Sarah The Vice Goth were working in the shop. After work one night we were to go to Slimelight. I went round to the shop, and, in hunting for Anna and Sarah, found an unaccompanied three year old girl playing an acoustic guitar, and a set of pedals, which should have had a piano attached. I was trying to play them when Anna and Sarah appeared. They were both wearing gauzy black skirts, but not looking very Slimed up. However, it transpired they were planning to go straight to Slimes from work, and they were considerably more Slimeworthy than me: I was wearing my black velvet skirt, a black t-shirt and dark-red-and-black striped tights on my arms. When I complained to them about the lack of funchieness of my attire, they told me to hush, as I had a cool bleached streak of hair, which neither of them had. The bleaching was due to the sun and in my opinion just looked like I couldn't be bothered to dye my hair, but I figured it might glow under UV.

On the train, I found I was wearing a thin cotton pale blue t-shirt with white spots on over the black t-shirt. But I reasoned this might glow in UV too. Beside us on the train sat three friends of either Anna, who started talking to them in a Very La-Di-Da British Accent (as she's Belgian, this was quite disturbing). One of them was a bloke who we jokingly threatened to throw out of the window, one of them was a girl called Veronica who was nice but didn't say much, and the other was a very talkative girl called Haley. They were going to Cornwall.

5 August 2003: Whoever Next?: More Memories Of A Non-Existent Slutty Past

I was in a large hall with a lot of people. Smill was there along with a handful of teenagers, but most of them were under nine. My old Maths teacher stood at the front of it, explaining a Star-Trek-related game we were going to play. He said he was going to split us into four teams, headed by people who actually knew what was going on. He said, "It's always a bad idea to choose your ex as a team captain, but to head Team 1, we'll have Zed." I remembered, then, that I'd gone out with him, between the ages of eleven and either thirteen or fifteen. We hadn't ever done anything and the breakup had been easy, but was telling a bunch of kids about a pupil-teacher "affair" really a good idea?

He explained the timeline (it stretched back nine thousand years) and for bonus points, gave each team a crossword to do. The topic for Team 2's crossword was Smill. After the meeting disbanded for the day, Smill and I went to the Physics lab at school. Outside, on the steps, it was Marion Appreciation Day, and people kept giving her dark chocolate digestive biscuits; I did too. She'd eaten a few, but was really sick of them now. Smill and I proceeded into the Physics lab. She'd just got married, but she snogged me for several minutes. I got a bit bored, but my head was reeling. Smill, of all people? So now I'd kissed more girls than boys? Although, come to think of it, hadn't I kissed Smill before?

We went to the Cornwallis building at UKC, where we found some girls from our year at school and a lot of tiny weirdly shaped bridges, that didn't cross anything, but covered the entire floor, making its surface very bumpy. We headed for the door. Katie had been making some bridges like this in Art, but on actually using them, she decided she'd have to scrap the idea. Natalie tripped over and Smill and I ran to get a nurse, whose office was in the same building. The nurse was very sarcastic and made us leave the building through a trapdoor. Beneath it, it looked like we were going to plunge into a gushing stream, but we actually found ourselves on a goods conveyor belt at a campus bookshop that doesn't exist.

I realised I'd left my bags in the Physics lab, so I went back there. I couldn't find them and then I needed the toilet so I returned to the bookshop, which had some toilets on the second storey. I couldn't figure out how to leave the first storey though. I knew there was a difficult obstacle course that would do the trick, but I didn't fancy it. There were some sections of stairs I could climb, but there were so many people in the shop that I couldn't push them together into one staircase. Finally, I found a tradesman's staircase, but half the facilities on the second storey were closed and I couldn't find the toilets. I decided to go to the actual campus book shop instead.