Read the first paragraph and click on one of the links directly below it. You'll be taken to another paragraph (which is at the top of the screen) which you read, and then click on one of the links under that. And so on.

You can, of course, cheat. But what's the fun in that? Actually, this game isn't much fun anyway. It'll probably drive you insane because of it's uselessness. But do you think I care?

You can play this game for hours and hours. Some text adventures have time limits, not this one. For example, you can take the cod, then drop it, then take it, then drop it . . . great fun!

As of yet, the game isn't particularly big, but I'm working on a bigger, BASIC version. </lie>

Finishing the game is not hard. But what's the point in that? The point is to hang around being as weird as possible without dying.

Anyway, the game is called Klefid basically because the character you control is Klefid from Klefid: The Story fame. If you've read it, you can assume that the game is as insane as the story. If not and you're concerned about your health, don't. Don't play the game either. Otherwise, reading the story might be advisable, although it's not essential. Now, play!


OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You are outside the airport. (Never!) You can see Izgolle and a dead cod. An exit leads north, into the airport and one leads south, away from it. Whaddya wanna do?
Go South
Go North
Take cod
Kill cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
For the next fifteen minutes you attempt to play tiddlywinks with yourself. You become frustrated - not surprising since you don't have any tiddlywinks!
Go north
Drop cod
Eat cod

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
A technical caterpillar appears and sez "Klefid, in case you have forgotten you and Izgolle are trying to fly to Australia. Going away from the airport is not going to help matters." You say, "We changed our minds." "Tough," sez the caterpillar and disappears with a puff of washing powder. "Spose I'd better do as he sez," you mutter.
Go North

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
Izgolle watches you closely. You have a cod. What now?
Go South
Go North
Drop cod
Take cod
Eat cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
Absolutely nothing is here! How thrilling! You're a one-cod cannibal.
Go north
Drop cod
Eat cod
Regurgitate Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You take the cod again. Hey, this is fun!
Go South
Go North
Drop cod
Take cod
Eat cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

AIRFIELD
You be a pair of secateurs carrying a cod. Cool! You can see Izgolle and a plane.
Go south
Kill Izgolle
Eat Izgolle
Get on plane
Drop cod
Eat cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You take the cod again. Enough of that already!
Go South
Go North
Drop cod
Eat cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You can see a cod. Which is purple.
Go North
Take cod

THE LUNATIC ASYLUM
You go into the airport. "Flight 96232671 departs in five minutes," says a voice. "Heech, dat's my plane!" you exclaim. You hurry to passport control and show your passport. "Oi," says the geezer, "where's your wife?" Being an honest sort of gidgy, you tell the truth. "I ate her." "Flippin' 'eck," marvels the geezer. He hits you on the head with a palm tree and you pass out. When you wake up you're in the lunatic asylum. You can see a 7.5" cowbell.
Take cowbell

DEATH
You go to sleep and Izgolle gets on the plane by herself. While you are snoozing, a helicopter drops a pillow on your head. It crushes the few brains you had and you are relatively dead.
Start again
Quit while you're behind

IN JAIL
Not surprisingly, the moment you kill Izgolle you are arrested by a hawthorn bush. You are thrown into prison. You can see Bill Sykes.
Talk to Bill

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You're a codless cannibal. You can see a cod.
Go north
Take cod
Regurgitate Izgolle

AIRFIELD
Ok dokey. You can see a cod, Izgolle and a plane.
Get on plane
Go south
Take cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

DEATH
Bill mishears you and tells you the entire story of 'Oliver Twist', word for word. After half an hour you die of boredom. (No offence, Charles Dickens.)
Start again!
Quit while you're behind

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You're a cannibal with a cod. Exits lead north (into da airport) and south. There is an earthquake in Japan. You sneeze. Pluto crashes into Neptune.
Go north
Go south
Drop cod
Regurgitate Izgolle
Eat cod

JAIL
You go into the airport, Izgolle following hesitantly. Suddenly a dandelion runs up to you and yells, "Hey! That's the royal cod of Bognor Regis!" To your horror, the dandelion snatches the cod and cuts it open with an elastic band. Inside is a bottle of lemonade. Not surprisingly, you are thrown in jail. You can see Bill Sykes.
Ask Bill, "Who wrote 'The Plug Block always smiles on his desktop publisher'?"

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle, except she is now missing an arm. She doesn't seem to notice though. She is too interested in the airport, which is made of mud.
Go North
Go south
Eat Izgolle
Sleep

HOUSE
You go south and sit around for ten years trying to tattoo a picture on the cod. Finally a passer-by picks you up and takes you to his house where you are used as a door-stopper.
Drop cod
Go north

DEATH
You take the cowbell and die. Don't ask why, ok? You just totally did.
Start again!
Quit while you're behind

AIRFIELD
You attempt to eat Izgolle, but she refuses to be eaten by a pair of secateurs. She walks off in a huff and returns a few minutes later. Your inventory consists of one cod.
Drop cod
Kill Izgolle
Eat cod
Get on plane
Go South

SNOD LAND
You climb through the hole in the roof (what roof?) and find yourself in Snod Land. The hole in the roof closes behind you. You can see some Snoddylink Snails TM. Coddus habes. (Latin)
Take snails
Drop cod
Eat cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
"The flippin' cod isn't here!" Izgolle reminds you. "Oh," is all you can say. You're starting to think Izgolle is too intelligent for someone like you to marry.
Go North
Go South
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

DEATH
You drop the cod and it explodes! Oops!
Restart
Quit while you're behind

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle, except she is now missing her head! "Cor blimey that was weird," she says, and she walks back to the airport. You have uno coddo.
Go North
Drop cod
Eat cod
Make hole in roof with your pocket chainsaw

SNOD LAND
You attempt to take the Snoddylink Snails TM but they bite you. Ouch! You can see some Snoddylink Snails TM. Your sole possession is a cod. (Actually, it's not a sole - it's a cod. Groan!)
Take snails
Drop cod
Eat cod

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle except she is missing a leg! "How bizarre," Izgolle remarks. "Did you just turn into a fountain pen there?" "No," you say. She shrugs and goes north.
Go north

THE LIBRARY
You are in the library. You can see a book.
Inhale book

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
Izgolle tastes like your mouse mat. Yummy! You have one cod.
Go North
Go South
Regurgitate Izgolle
Drop cod
Eat cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You can see Middlesbrough airport. An advertisement for poisonous toothpaste is stuck to the building. (Only scenery, alas.) You're a cod-free cannibal.
Go South
Go North
Regurgitate Izgolle
Take cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You eat the cod. You turn back into Klefid and the airport reappears! Funchie! You can see Izgolle.
Go south
Go north
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

DEATH
Doctor Jekkyl mishears and starts droning on about Mr Hyde. After half an hour you die of boredom. (No offence, Robert Louis Stevenson)
Start again!
Quit while you're behind

HOUSE
You go south and sit around scratching your toe nails. After ten years, a passer by picks you up and uses you to mend his washing machine. Thrilling!
Run away!

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You consume Izgolle. The chocolate in her pocket is a bit minging, but otherwise she's delicious. You're very glad she agreed to marry you.
Go north
Go south
Regurgitate Izgolle

OLD FOLKS HOME
You take out your false teeth.
Put teeth in
Restart game

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You jump on the cod several times. "There, all dead," you say, rubbing your hands together in glee. "In case you did not notice, it was dead to start with," says Izgolle. "Precisely," you say. Izgolle wonders why she married you.
Go South
Go North
Take cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You eat Izgolle. She tastes just like your granny used to! Scrumptious!
Go south
Go north
Regurgitate Izgolle

AIRFIELD
You return to the airfield, to find Izgolle waiting for you (even though you've been gone for ten years!) Whaddya wanna do, Klefid mate?
Go south again
Get on plane
Eat Izgolle
Take cod

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
Izgolle groans inside you. An exit leads south. You have no cods.
Go north
Regurgitate Izgolle

DEATH
You're dead because you cheated. There is no way to get into the library. (Inhaling books isn't a very clever thing to do either.)
Start again

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You drop the cod and it falls through the floor. The floor disappears and you land back at the airport. You can see Izgolle, a cod and some Snoddylink Snails TM. The snails wander off to make friends with the technical caterpillar.
Go north
Go south
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle
Take cod
Say spell of Dizzyness

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
Izgolle tastes like a broken cheese grater and woolly carpet. You can see ye olde deadde codde.
Go South
Go North
Regurgitate Izgolle
Take cod
Take football

AWAY FROM AIRPORT
You are away from the airport. You yawn and a tree in Siberia falls over.
Go north

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle (I won't be graphic) "What a curious dream I just had," she says, "I thought I was stuffed in a plant pot." She wanders north.
Go north

OLD FOLKS HOME
You return to the airport and to see a disgruntled Izgolle. "I waited for you for TEN YEARS and you're still carrying that mingin' cod around! I'm filing for divorce!" Much as you protest, that's what she does, leaving you a lonely old fogie. You go and live in an old folks home.
Take false teeth out

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You, a fine young cannibal, are away from the airport. How thrillin'!
Regurgitate Izgolle
Go north

ARCTIC OCEAN
You and Izgolle board the plane and it takes off in due course. Unfortunately a ticket inspector (who is a mole) comes round and sez to Izgolle, "No secateurs on this plane, Miss." He snatches you and chucks you off the plane into the Arctic Ocean (I think the plane went the wrong way.)
Swim to Hawaii

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You can see a cod that totally mings! You be bein' a cannibal, bain't you?
Go north
Go south
Take cod
Regurgitate Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You can see Izgolle. She is carrying a suitcase (Only scenery in this version, alas.)
Go north
Go south
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You spend the next five days trying to take the cod. Then you come to the conclusion that it isn't here. (NB. This isn't the most realistic game in case you hadn't noticed. If it was realistic, you would have missed your flight, died of thirst, and digested Izgolle. But you haven't.)
Go north
Go south
Regurgitate Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle although she is missing a leg! "I felt like someone hit me with some nail clippers," she remarks.
Go north
Go south
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You aren't allowed to talk to the game!! (Not in this version anyway.)
Go north
Eat cod
Drop cod
Make hole in roof with your pocket chainsaw

OLD FOLKS HOME
You put your false teeth back in.
Take teeth out
Restart game

SNOD LAND
You attempt to take the Snoddylink Snails TM but they bite you. Ouch! You can see some Snoddylink Snails TM. All you have is a cod (the chainsaw you used to make a hole in the roof has vanished.)
Take snails
Drop cod
Eat cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
Are you high on remote control cars or something? Where the smeg did the football come from???
Go South
Go North
Regurgitate Izgolle
Take cod

HOSPITAL
You eat the cod and pass out. I mean, that cod had been lying around at the airport for Mykos the Sheep knows how long. And you ate it! Improve your hygiene! Anyway you're in a hospital. You can see Doctor Jekkyl.
Ask Doctor Jekkyl what the square root of 3.72 is

DEATH
Half way to Hawaii you die of dehydration.
Start again
Quit while you're behind

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You, Klefid da cannibal, be bein' outside the airport, in case you hadn't noticed.
Go north
Go south
Regurgitate Izgolle

AIRFIELD
You say a spell of dizziness. You turn into some secateurs and the airport disappears. Magic never was one of your talents. You can see Izgolle, a cod and an aeroplane.
Kill Izgolle
Eat Izgolle
Go south
Take cod
Get on plane

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You make a hole in the roof with your pocket chainsaw. Vous avez une codde.
Go north
Go through hole
Drop cod
Eat cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle, except she is now missing an arm. "How strange," comments Izgolle. "I could have sworn I was knocked out by a massive tennis ball there. Obviously not." You can see Izgolle and da cod.
Go South
Go North
Go East
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle
Take cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You can see Izgolle. (Isn't this thrilling?)
Go North
Go South
Take cod
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You successfully regurgitate Izgolle, except she is missing her spleen! "That's odd," she says, "I could have sworn my curtains plugged me into a wall socket there." You have a cod!!!
Go south
Eat Izgolle
Go north
Eat cod
Drop cod
Kill Izgolle

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
A technical caterpillar appears and sez "Klefid, in case you have forgotten you and Izgolle are trying to fly to Australia. Going away from the airport is not going to help matters." You say, "We changed our minds." "Tough," sez the caterpillar. "By the way, nice piece'o'chicken you got there." He disappears with a puff of washing powder. "It's a cod," you say witheringly. A sepulchral voice whispers, "Why are you talking to yourself?"
Go North
Eat cod
Examine voice
Drop cod

AIRFIELD
You try and eat Izgolle, but she says, "I'm not being eaten by a pair of secateurs." She goes south and returns a few minutes later. You can see a cod.
Go south
Get on plane
Take cod
Kill Izgolle

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You take the cod. A sudden wind rises in the east then dies when its mother throws the filing cabinet at it. (I felt like giving some description, having nothing else to say!)
Go north
Drop cod
Play tiddlywinks

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
The voice looks just like a striped tie. What did you expect?
Say "I expected it to look like an ice cream cone."
Go North
Eat Cod
Drop Cod

OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT
You go east and crash into an invisible moped. That was clever of you! Go and eat an apple! You can see Izgolle and da cod.
Go South
Go North
Eat Izgolle
Kill Izgolle
Take cod

AWAY FROM THE AIRPORT
You regurgitate Izgolle successfully, except she is now missing her head! "That's funny," she said, "I could have sworn I was watching 'Ace Ventura - Pet Detective' there." She wanders north. You decide the the cinema in your stomach needs a new film. You can see a cod! WOW!!!
Go north
Take cod

INSIDE THE AIRPORT
You go north and Izgolle follows. You are inside the airport. Congratulations! You've finished Klefid: The Computer Game! Look out for Klefid: The Musical!
Play again!


(This is a load of relatively blank space, so that the final paragraph appears at the top of the screen if you end up there.)