Getting Out Of Nottingham Can Be A Tricky Business. But Here Are 25 Novel Ways To Do So, Guaranteed To Work, Especially If You're Not In Nottingham In The First Place!

1. Write a will, saying, "My last wish is to be buried in (location of choice.) Kill self. You will be taken away from Nottingham.

2. Blow up every hospital in Nottingham. Break your leg. You will be taken to a hospital elsewhere.

3. Dig until you reach Australia.

4. Watch TV until it absorbs you. (Try and avoid being absorbed into the news, horror films and documentaries about Nottingham.) Then come out from a TV set not in Nottingham.

5. Get a heauge overhead projector which projects things onto the moon. Project self onto the moon.

6. Pick up heauge object. Throw heauge object with large velocity. Owing to the laws of momentum, you will probably recoil out of Nottingham.

7. Play Monopoly until it starts to become real. You will find yourself in London. (NB. Use the car token so you get a free car out of the deal.)

8. Get a heauge magnifying glass, the size of Nottingham. Place it over Nottingham at night. Take cover. Then, when the sun comes out, Nottingham will be frazzled to a crisp and cease to exist.

9. The boring method. Get a heauge box, address it to somewhere a long way from Nottingham, get in box and wait to be delivered.

10. Find a sign that says "Nottingham". Pick some letters off the sign. Ta-da! You are now in "Ntga" or somewhere.

11. Eat the entire of Nottingham and it will cease to exist.

12. Be evil and get deported.

13. Liquidise yourself, then pour self into the river Trent. Eventually you will flow out of Nottingham.

14. Hurl insults at extra-terrestrial beings (eg. "You don't exist!") until they come and abduct you.

15. Buy a lot of stereos, and break the off buttons. Get them all to play Spice Girls music simultaneously at top volume. Everyone will leave and the city of Nottingham will cease to exist, since you can't have a city with a population of 1.

16. Fax self to a better place.

17. Make voodoo doll of self. Throw doll very high into the air. This will make the same happen to you and hopefully you will escape the pull of gravity and go shooting off to infinity.

18. The previous result can be obtained by eating 53 Mars Bars or 48 Snickers per kilogram of your weight.

19. Go back to the beginning of time. Destroy every single form of life existing on the planet. Return to 1998. Not only will Nottingham not exist, but you will have the whole planet to yourself!

20. Go back to before you were born. Kill your parents. Return to 1998. You will find yourself in the land of non-existence.

21. Acquaint thyself with the deity of your choice. Ask them for a heauge flood. Watch Nottingham be flooded, and let yourself drift away. Hopefully when the flood ends, you will be elsewhere.

22. Tie several helium balloons to wrists. Float upwards and away from Nottingham.

23. Become a bus ticket to (location of your choice). Wait for someone to buy/borrow/steal you. You will then travel free of charge by bus to somewhere else. You risk being thrown down drain when you arrive there, but never mind.

24. Build lots of buildings until Nottingham is touching London. Nottingham will then cease to exist, as it will just be part of the London conurbation.

25. Get a cloning machine. Clone self so many times, that you cannot all fit in Nottingham. Ta-da! At least one of you will be not be in Nottingham!