1. Find a house with a door that opens in the direction of Nottingham. Knock on the door. Ask if you can borrow a cup of sugar. The occupier of the house will growl at you, but give you one and shut the door. Eat the cup and throw the sugar at someone. Repeat procedure, watching occupier become more angry. Now, drink a shrinking potion, knock on the door and ask for cup of sugar. House owner will now be so annoyed that they will kick you so hard, you end up in Nottingham. Probably.

2. Get a small sheet of metal. Stick some standy things to it. Now paint "NOTTINGHAM" on it. Place the sign in the location of your choice. Congratulations! You have just created "Nottingham" and you are there! For even more fun, make some more signs leading to "Nottingham", and confuse people lots.

3. Turn on computer. Find e-mail address of someone who lives in Nottingham. Scan self into the computer. Now e-mail self to person in Nottingham. They might even forward you to another place! (If worried about getting out of the computer, what do you think the printer's for?)

4. Get on bus. Say, "Take me to Nottingham free of charge, or I'll kill myself." If they refuse to take you there, kill yourself. Although you may be imprisoned (since committing suicide is a crime), they will probably take you to a prison in Nottingham out of Respect For The Dead.

5. Become a bird. If female, hang around with male with single- digit IQ until he refers to you as one, then fly to Nottingham. If male, play chess lots. Eventually someone will say, "You'll turn into a rook one day". Become one and fly to Nottingham. If they say, "You'll turn into a king / queen / bishop / knight / castle / pawn / chess board one day", you will have to be a flying king, queen, bishop, knight, castle, pawn or chess board instead. If you are neuter, go to Germany or Latin Land and become a neuter noun that flies.

6. Dig a hole. Keep digging until you reach the centre of the earth. Here you will find the centre of gravity. Turn up the gravitational field strength. Put it in your portable teleport machine and send it to Nottingham. Now, not only will you be pulled towards Nottingham, but everything else in the universe will be too. This will be a great cultural experience for you.

7. The boring method. Get a heauge box. Write an address in Nottingham on it. Stick sufficient postage stamps on it. Get in box. Ask a mate to parcel-tape it up and take it to the post office. If you are friendless, internal parcel-taping works wonders and baffles people no end and you can travel to the post office using your telekinetic powers. You will then be sent to Nottingham!

8. Eat until you are so enormous part of you end up in Nottingham.

9. Calculate the distance between your current location and Nottingham. If the distance is a thousand miles, build a tower which is a thousand miles high. Make sure it leans slightly in the direction of Nottingham. Climb to the top. Wait until there is an earthquake. The tower will then fall over and you'll be in Nottingham!

10. Take two snails. Rub them together until they turn into margarine. Combine it with a courtyard. Take the margarine- courtyard into the billiard room, drop it on the dead body with a candlestick embedded in its spine, and talk to Colonel Mustard for a while. He will tell you where the vital shoe box is kept. Find the vital shoebox. Remove the vital shoes and throw it at yourself. Repeat this entire procedure seventy nine times. By then you should have found yourself in the Nottingham mental hospital.