In one Physics lesson today, I wrote a whole side of A4 paper, explaining to Smill why playing the clarinet was more worthwhile than whistling like an owl. (She asked if I could whistle like an owl, I said, no, but what's the point?, and she told me that there wasn't a point in playing the clarinet either. So I proved her wrong. She plays the flute to the same standard anyway.) I'd write it here, but I think I've left it at school.

I had a double free (sorry, double study period) at the end of the day. I stayed in the computer room, cutting down a report Will wrote (he's so verbose it's unbelievable while I am incredibly brief, with anything school-related anyway). Afterwards I played Bloxed with Craig and Paul a lot. (Bloxed is a marvellous incredibly narcotic computer game: multi-player Tetris. The aim is to make the other person lose: you make their pile higher by completing two or more lines at once.) As an eleven year old, I played it for days, so I won about fifty times; Craig won three, to his delight; Paul won zero. Not very educational, but hey, you've got to have fun sometimes! (Disregard the fact that I have fun constantly.)

The saga of Natalie B's tennis racquet continues. She complained to the head of the sixth form, who said in registration today that, "X has taken it, to protect his identity." But as we were leaving, she said, "Rohan, about the tennis racquet" and half the sixth form were still in the room! Heh! Anyway, he left it on my desk, so I gave it back to Natalie, but she asked, "Where's my ball gone?" I asked Roe, and he said someone had borrowed it.

Now, according to Will, she's going to tell her parents to complain to the headmaster. Her dad's a solicitor. Gloops! I think that's taking it a little too far though . . .

Sunday 3 May 1998

I made major progress with my novel ("Vampire Friends") yesterday! I wrote 5495 words and I'm rather pleased with them.

After coming to a suitable stopping point, I went down to the living room where my parents were sitting in front of "The Young Ones". My favourite programme ever, and they didn't tell me! Mimph! Well, they were asleep, so I suppose I'll let them off.

The episode was "Video Nasty" which involved a vampire from the Transvaal, appropriately enough. But they saved themselves by folding him into the SOFA COFFIN! MIMPH! That's in MY series! Ok, the programme was made in 1984, and I have seen that episode before, but I didn't copy it. Really!

The vampire thing obviously got into my dreams, because I had a long and weird dream in which I was living forever. But, stranger than that, my mother dreamed about Smill! Apparently they were both taking an exam, and they both got Bs. But then Smill took it again, without telling my mother, and got an A and started boasting about it. My mum was really annoyed and started throwing things at her. Now she knows how I feel!

Monday 4 May 1998

Today every adult in Britain had the day off work, and every kid had the day off school. Except poor wickle Zed and the rest of her school. Come on, after three. One, two, three! Awwwwwww!

It's because it's a pagan festival but we go to a Catholic School and they think we have enough days off anyway. But it's still mighty unfair. On the radio they were having an anthems day - funchie music all day long - which I missed.

It wasn't a bad day though. Smill forgot to bring in her tennis racquet to school, and Will's sister had stolen his, so I couldn't play. Physics actually made sense for once, relatively - or relativity-ly - speaking. Religion went a bit faster than usual (probably because Physics went on too long). In Maths, a class of three at the best of times, we were minus Roe as he went to a Games Workshop convention in Nottingham, but the teacher didn't ask any totally impossible questions. At break we had a long meeting about the school concert. It's on May 14th - everyone who plays an instrument has to play (except my brother who plays rock guitar and drums - the 'rock' bit says it all) and it's going on all day except no one'll be there to watch until the evening. Sadly, I'm on in the evening.

Double History was ok, I suppose. Lunch was splanky because there was no band (the band teacher was having a holiday like rest of the world) and me and Will had to do a form assembly practice with scanky 2X instead and they were all being aevil. Then we had Maths again, then I had double free. I had my tutorial after school, and my tutor gave me prospectora for various universities. Smill got really angry because she thought I'd stolen them. (?) I was stuck at school until 6 o'clock, but Dad picked me up quarter of an hour earlier than I'd anticipated. Got home, had tea, checked e-mail. Attempted to play badminton with Noj (my brother), but it was so windy if you hit the shuttlecock forwards, it went backwards. Phoned Smill to tell her to remember her tennis racquet the next day. Went down to the industrial estate with dad to drive a bit. We did two circuits, then he said, "You're too good at this, we can't do anything else here." I can drive, I can drive! Yippee!

Then I went on the computer, wrote this, and afterwards I shall play ze clarinet, do a wickle bit of hausaufgarben (German for homework, I think) and maybe write. Speaking of writing, I showed "Mixing Physics With Romance" to Smill today, after she and one of my teachers told me Physics wasn't romantic. He was talking about the Paschen series on Friday, and made a point of telling us that it wasn't spelt 'passion' - no romance in Physics. She agreed, so I decided to prove her wrong. She liked it and showed it to everyone. They liked it too.

Tuesday 5 May 1998

Why Playing The Clarinet Is Good For You
(while whistling through your fingers is completely worthless)

1. It looks good on yer UCAS form.
2. You get to play in wind bands. This is fun.
3. It is then easy to learn to play the saxophone. Then you can play in rock bands, which is even more fun.
4. If you don't like playing in bands, you can play on your own and lose yourself in music, and achieve a deep sense of spiritual understanding of ye inner self.
5. If you lose your job, you can busk.
6. You learn all about reeds, pull throughs, cork grease and ligatures. This could be help you in your General Studies exam.
7. When people discover that your parents both play piano, your brother plays guitar and drums, and ask, "What do YOU play?" you can honestly answer, "clarinet" and give them a demonstration if they really want one.
8. When listening to certain pieces of music, you can say, "Ha! I can play that" and everyone will be well impressed.
9. It gives you a sense of identity - "that clarinet player", rather than "that person".
10. There is a strong clarinet playing community. Young clarinetists even have their own magazine (of which I have a copy). Community is among the most important aspects of life, the universe and everything.

Wednesday 6 May 1998

It was the evil 2X's assembly today, which Will and I had to supervise. Their form teacher wrote it, and it was really long, boring and biblical. But at the end, Richard W got really embarrassed and tried to announce the hymn, but the organ started, so he couldn't. "Oh damn!" he said and everyone had hysterics.

The hymn sounded really rubbish, out of time and with weird counter-melodies added. "What's Chris playing at?" I wondered (he plays the organ, the subject of far too many dodgy jokes). Then I realised that he's gone on a Biology trip for a week and it was the music teacher.

The day started with double freedom, so I did some Maths and Physics; then it was double Maths; then it was double History only the teacher wasn't there, so I did some more Maths; then it was religion and we discussed sexual ethics again. The matter of women having to give up their jobs to have kids came up. Smill started saying, "Well my mother NEVER had to work after I was born". It's all right for some. My mother worked part time until I was five; then she started working full time. But did we go to a child minder? Nope: we went to work with her. Therefore, for the next eight years I spent my afternoons, weekends and holidays bored senseless.

Anyway, then it was games. The grass was too wet for rounders and softball which we usually play, so we played mixed basketball in the gym, a game that really doesn't work when you're sixteen and seventeen years old. My team lost twice, won once, I think. After school, I watched the Spice Geens on a video of "TFI Friday" in the common room with Will and Helen Wo, ultimate Spice fanatics. Well, it was better than homework. Then I played pool with Roe and lost because the cue is unbelievably broken. Then I played tennis with Will and Mairi The Psychopath (a member of 2X). She screamed when she missed the ball. Will left and Roe took over. Then I went to clarinet, then Tesco where I bought a CD. Yoj!

Thursday 7 May 1998

Today, all over Britain local elections are being held. I have to keep you up-to-date with British current affairs, you know! My parents aren't voting, as there's a choice of scank Labour or scank Conservative. (They usually vote scank Liberal, despite the futility of this exercise.)

In Psychics today, we learnt that electrons are actually waves. Mimph! For years I've thought they were particles - now they're waves as well! They've been lying to me all this time! How can I ever trust them again? Anyway, when I wrote the date at the top of the page I suffixed it with "election day / electron day".

Friday 8 May 1998

Last night, I played in a concert; meanwhile the Young Enterprise presentation evening. At the concert, we (Carlisle Youth Concert Band) were on at the end and all the other groups ranged from pathetic to cringe-making to boring. We weren't great either: we got well out of time in places. The stage was tiny, so the music stands constituted a serious health hazard. But at the end, everyone crammed on stage to play "Alexander's Ragtime Band" together. We had only played it once before, and we'd never played it with all the other groups. It was a complete squash but we managed to get through without anyone being totally flattened or falling off the stage, and it sounded great!

Afterwards, Mum picked me up and took me back to my brother's parents evening. She only had one teacher left to see. While we were waiting, the headmaster returned from the Young Enterprise presentation evening. He told me that we came 3rd for the presentation, 2nd for the last trade fair and 1st for marketing! How we managed that is beyond me. The marketing director did less than nothing. But we didn't win the overall competition. I suppose our overalls were a little substandard, if I'm honest. They didn't say if we came second or third or whatever, but we're getting a full report back soon. We also picked up some nice juicy cheques for winning those prizes.

Monday 11 May 1998

Physics wasn't too boring today. In Mr D's lesson, he told us all the formulae we needed to learn. And in Mr G's lesson, we did some past exam questions, but it was good because yesterday I actually made loads of notes on photoelectrons and such like, and I knew what was going on for once.

For the last week Mr D's lessons have been awfully quiet. Usually Michael interrupts him regularly and Craig imitates his voiccccccce and Chris makes silly remarks, but they're all on a biology trip. On the other hand, in front of Smill and myself, instead of Roe and Chris it was Roe and Paul, who spent the entire lesson annoying Smill. I thought about making a statement by plugging my ears. I mean, yes, Chris likes getting on her nerves too, but he gets on everyone's nerves, so it's not so bad. (And anyway, he fancies her. Well, he did. He asked her out in December [see The Bagot] but she said no way.)

In RE, we had some geezers from the Creative Partnership in Hammersmith talking to us. Maths and History were nothing extraordinary, band was pants as usual.

Mr D wants to see our Physics practicals tomorrow and I'm more than behind with mine. I think I'm in reverse gear; reverse biased, anyway. Oh, I hate capacitors, bulbs, diodes, resistors and most of all potential dividers! They all deserve to die. We dealt with them fourth year, why must they haunt us again? I feel a poem coming on.

Tuesday 12 May 1998

Marion has invented a great way to annoy Smill. Actually, that wasn't the intention: she just said to me, "Right, from now on we're going to put 'la' in front of every syllable and no one will understand." Try it. It's harder than it sounds, but Marion's dead good at it. And you'd have to say the Teletubby's name "La Laa La Laa". Anyway, it does sound really confusing until you get used to it and we were doing it in front of Smill and she got thoroughly annoyed. Heh. She worked out what we were doing, but next week, when we're fluent, it's going to be alternatively "la" and "sha". And then more. Can you believe that we are 16 years 9 months and 17 years 5 months old?

Wednesay 13 May 1998

I intended to get some clarinet practice done last night, but I got carried away with writing, and at 11 (early bed time for me) I was really tired, and set my alarm clock for 6.30, intending to get some done in the morning. Ha! I slept until 7.54! 16 minutes to get ready for school! And I'm still feeling tired today.

I intended to practice in the chapel after school, before my lesson, but other people were there. But my lesson went surprisingly well, even though I did zero practice this week. But I'll have to practice tonight, since it's The Concert Of Dume tomorrow night. Wish me luck, I'll need it. I hate playing solos in front of loads of people!

Today there was a heauge cricket match at school, against MCC (Marlebone Cricket Club). I don't know why; all I know is that they're better than "us" and "we" play every year. It was a perfect day - actually it was too hot - but the first really really nice day we've had this year. I had double free, double maths (but that was cut short because the rest of the class - Chris and Roe - had to leave: Chris was playing, Roe scoring - "the only chance he ever gets to score", as Chris pointed out). I had about twenty minutes of double history, then we went outside to watch for the other hour. Then lunch, then Religion except the teacher wasn't there so we watched more cricket, then double Games, but I couldn't be bothered with softball, so I watched yet more cricket. I only understand the game after someone spends thirty minutes explaining it to me, then I promptly forget it all, but it wasn't the cricket that appealed, but the chance to be idle. I can never resist.

Tuesday 19 May 1998

I've got nothing to do! It's such a relief: no Physics practical to be done, no upcoming concert, no Young Enterprise accounts. Ok, so I do have A levels in, like, two weeks, but we'll deal with them if and when the time comes. You never know, the world might end first. And I'd much rather be able to say I spent my last few days on this planet writing mumbo jumbo than calculating cosines. Never mind who I'd say it to.

Today all the Geographers (about fifteen people - half the Lower 6th) left for Spain. Lucky geens. Well, they're going by coach, so I don't envy them too much. And with all the Upper 6th gone as well (they're on study leave for their A Levels), it was well quiet. I offered to be a "runner" for the exams for one lesson (if anything goes wrong, I run for help) and that was freaky. I got on with some Physics revision, but it was so quiet and I had a really wonky table so I had to hold it still to keep it quiet.

In the afternoon we had Ge(e)neral Studies. At the moment we're doing computers, but I finished the course two weeks ago (it's meant to take ten weeks; it took me about three). But no one could get on with any work as all the computers were splanky. So Will and I played with the spinning chairs and wrote silly messages in "!Edit" (a text editor).

Zed is evil!!!!!!!!!!!
Will is ævil!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Chris N was well impressed by the æ, which you achieve by pressing ALT+0230.)
Zed is a lake!!!!!!!!! (lesbian geek)
Will is a gayk!!!!!!!!!!! (work it out!)
Zed has lake relationships with Marion!!!!!!!!!
True!
She also fancies Chris Bagot.

At this point I started holding down delete, 5, and every other key I could get my hands on. A heauge fight ensued, resulting in much illegibility. Then the teacher told everyone to turn the computers off. Then we started writing again. Having such a violent reaction was probably not a good idea, because now Will thinks it's true (well, it is, much as I wish it wasn't, but that's not the point), but Chris was sitting at the next computer so agreeing would have been unwise too.

Afterwards, we went to a careers convention at the Sands Centre. I think we should have gone during General Studies because we accomplished nothing during it, but that's life. Me, Smill, Alice, Sarah and Sheena walked down, which took half an hour. When we arrived, all the stalls were being packed up, but I managed to get prospecti for Imperial College, Cambridge, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Reading, UMIST and Durham. Oxford weren't there. After fifteen minutes, we walked back to school. What a waste of time. If there'd been a chance to talk to anyone official, it would have been ok, but there wasn't.

Oh well, we missed double Physics. Never a bad thing!

Wednesday 20 May 1998

I have a headache. I've had it since yesterday evening. Unfortunately, since I can't take pills, the only solution is Calpol which is about as effective as Disraeli's domestic policy apparently was. (Not very.)

My feet ache too, after intensive tennis. Usually in Games, we have to do scanky softball, but since there were no Upper 6th, 5th years or half the lower 6th there, the tennis courts were free. Silly old Zed, wanting to play before the rain started, got changed in zero seconds and played against the wall until everyone else was ready. Then I started playing avec Will, then Roe, Chris and Herman joined in. But after a little while, Chris said, "Want to play singles?" Saying yes was not a good idea, because 1) I'm rubbish and 2) I was already out of breath. So we played and I was exhausted, but I didn't give in. Roe and Will joined in a bit later and every time the ball came towards me, Will yelled "Mimph!" (that being my new name) and when I missed it was "Leek wench!" "Gayk sponch!" I responded. After that, I sat around for a while, then Smill returned from non-wind-surfing and said "Want to play tennis?" I agreed, and we played for fifteen minutes. (Since she never runs and always serves from the baseline, it wasn't so energetic.) Then I had a clarinet lesson. Then, yippee, I went to visit Grandma in hospital. Not that I have anything against Grandma but it wasn't the most interesting experience ever. I finally had something to eat at 7.40. Unless you count two strawberry cremes and their wrappers. Ok, I don't actually eat the wrappers, but I lick them until the green stripes come off. Believe me, they're lovely.

Last night I read some prospecti and discovered something amazing about Glasgow University. I'm not that struck on going to bonny Scotland, but there's a Monty Python appreciation society! Kewl!

Also last night I wanted to write, but I wasn't terribly inspired. So instead I tried to write a song on the Atari, but when I tried to save it, the computer froze. I turned it off, wrote it again, tried a different disk, same thing happened. Dad returned from work then (yes, at about 10pm) and with him watching, I tried a third disk. Still no saveability. The fourth time, it worked, but by that time I was so fed up with the tune I couldn't bear to write any more. Oh well.

My arm hurts too. I was playing pool with Roe and Will at lunch time (I beat Roe in the first game, but when Will joined my side we lost) but when lunch time came to an end, we decided to run back to the carrels, instead of walking like the sane beings that we are, beneath it all, really. And I crashed into an open locker door. PAIN!

Thursday 21 May 1998

Today Alice was grabbing bottles of paint from my carrel, to paint jigsaws with, and dropped the burnt sierra one. It exploded on the carpet. She handed me the remnants of the leaking bottle and went to clean up. So, afterwards, I had the opportunity to make several mass-murderer remarks. Chris N thought I'd really cut my finger. But what's funnier still is the teachers said "Hohum, have you lots of money in your bank account?" Alice responded, "Why should we pay you? You should pay us! Because you didn't have softer carpets, we've lost a one pound bottle of paint!"

On the positive side, we got back some Physics papers today. I did mine at 11pm on Sunday night, but I was in a really Physicsy mood and found them really easy. And I got 90% which is about the best I've ever done in Physics and it's a definite A. I also got back some homework and got an A+! Usually I get B+s because to get an A- you have to get everything right, and to get an A you have to impress him. So I was well chuffed! Let's just hope the actual exam goes as well!

On the negative side, I got my mid-term grades today. They're based on effort (apparently), and the best is an alpha, then an upward arrow, then a blank space, then a downward arrow, then a gamma. I usually get straight alphas, but not always.

This time, I got three alphas and an upward for History. Les and Chris N got alphas for it. An upward isn't a bad grade, but I was a little annoyed. I do all my notes on time, never complain about deadlines, read books about Rasputin for fun - what more does he want? Whereas everyone else spends half the lesson complaining and Chris N takes days off school to get his essays done. Mimph!

Well, I complained to Chris N, and he complained to the teacher, and he said, "Your essays are ok, but not as good as they could be. You're not concentrating."

What? Admittedly, I usually leave my essays till the last day, but so does everyone else. Some people don't hand them in at all. But I get 13s out of 20, which equate to 'A's. But apparently I should be getting 17s and 18s. And I'm being too brief. What bothers me is Les is briefer still! Oh well.