Introduction

Back in 1991, when I was nine, Noj, my younger brother, came home from Asda one night in possession of a red teddy bear. However! This was no ordinary teddy bear! For if you lifted its chin and pushed it over the top of its head, a new face emerged, with psychotic eyes and a mouth containing a singular tooth, and its paws unfolded to reveal claws. This was a werebear ("Fang", to be precise), and immediately I wanted one (namely "Gums").

And so one day I spent about two hours scouring the shops of the nearby town of Carlisle, but without avail. The only place I hadn't tried was Toymaster, and there, the only ones visible were Fang and Grizzler. However, when Mum lifted them off the shelf (I was - and still am - rather short for my age), I found Gums. If I remember rightly, he cost £11.99, twelve weeks' pocket money, but he was worth every penny.

From then on, an unstoppable collection began. On my twelfth birthday, I received my ninth werebear, and Noj, by that stage, had four.

And now, at the ripe old age of twenty one, I've still got them all. And when there's no one better around, I fall asleep cuddling one.

And I am not ashamed of my ursophilia! Werebears Are Funky. They have a bit of a cult status in my family - our photo albums probably contain more pictures of werebears than of me. And whenever anyone comes into my room for the first time, they invariably say, "Oh, you've got werebears! Cool!"

So, since the only other pages about werebears I can find on the web concern the "real" sort, this is my tribute to werebears.

The Official Story

According to the labels on werebears' bottoms, they were first created in 1983. However, as indicated earlier, they didn't hit the shelves of the shops in my northern frozen-wasteland of a hometown until 1991.

There were four available in the UK, all about nine inches tall. Gums (dark blue, wearing red trousers and a red bobble hat), Fang (red, wearing blue trousers and a red cap), Howler (blue, wearing yellow trousers) and Grizzler (yellow, wearing a green-and-white striped jumper. My mother, concerned that this was a bit rude, insisted that he wore trousers too, they were just yellow so you couldn't see them). They were also available in the US, made by Hasbro, although apparently in horrible colours.

All the bears came with a free cassette, on which a story was told. (Interesting fact: they were narrated by Oliver Postgate, he responsible for Bagpuss, and recorded in Canterbury!) The first side was identical for each bear. It described their creation in Munchen Lunchen, a small village in Bavaria, Germany (one had to ignore the fact that it says "Made In China" on their labels) by the renouned toymaker Baron Egon Baconburger. However, for all his kindly ways, he has a terrible secret: when the moon is full, he turns into a werewolf. Upon the creation of the teddy bears, they too change, and thus they become known as the werebears.

The second side of the tape varied. They all relayed an adventure the werebears had once they'd been moved to a toy shop in London. Fang avoids being stuffed with diamonds by some jewel smugglers by puncturing the tyres of their car; Grizzler saves a young boy from some dogs at a building site. (The latter contained the entirely-too-repeatable line "Thanks Bizzler! You're a pal!")

A little later, smaller versions of all the werebears became available. These didn't transform - they were just evil-looking all the time - and didn't come with a cassette, but this didn't stop me from collecting them.

A werebear comic was also issued. As well as werebear masks, it contained a couple of stories about the werebear's adventures in Bavaria. They had to pit their wits against the wicked Witch Hazel, her sidekick Squint The Owl (who made very bad puns along the lines of "Something's afoot" "Yes, it's the thing at the end of your leg, ho ho ho!") and the Terror Teds. However, help was in sight: Baron Egon created a new werebear, Growler, who made evil howling sounds.

Although the comic was discontinued after seven issues (although it stopped being available in my naff northern newsagents after the first three), George Hornby productions went on to manufacture the Terror Teds (which held less appeal - they didn't transform and weren't as cute) and Growler. Taller and sturdier than the other werebears, not only did he transform and come with a cassette, he had a battery pack stuffed up his arse, which meant that if you pressed a button on his chest, he emitted a prolonged HOWWWWWWWWWL!

(You know, I never realised how perverted that idea is until now.)

Shortly afterwards, werebears disappeared (although the creators are currently trying to bring them back) and I've yet to discover any toy that holds the same appeal. Rumple Bears were pretty cool, but Beanie Babies are soulless. But I might just be getting old. Still, werebears' purposes don't diminish with age . . .

"I used to make my Sindy doll shag my teddy and wonder what their babies would look like." - Geri Halliwell

So, what can you do with werebears?

1. Turn them inside out and back again. Trust me, coming up with various combinations and permutations of change provides hours of entertainment. Give them no ears! Only let them have one set of claws! Be all symbolic and precariously balance them between good and evil and see what side they decide on.

2. Liven up those boring hours in the laundry by putting them in the washing machine. They need to be tied in pillowcases, but if you use threadbare ones, you can watch them oscillate.

3. Throw them at people when they least expect it. Warning: do not do this while they are drinking coffee, or they will be very angry, as Noj discovered to his cost.

4. Send them on adventures. Throw them on the roof and leave them there for a few nights, or take them on holiday with you. Growler is particularly good for this purpose. While waiting in Newcastle Airport for a plane to Portugal, an onimous HOWWWWWWWWL! emanated from my bag, attracting the attention of several bystanders.

5. Draw pictures of them. Here's one I made earlier.

6. Write stories about them. Here's one by me and my friend Katrina.

7. Make them 'pud'. This involves them rhythmically beating the ground in front of them with both paws. Grizzler is particularly talented at this.

8. Push their paws and feet together. They look cool.

9. Balance them upsidedown on their noses.

10. Dance with them. En and Ell refused to be photographed doing this, but I'll bring Gums and Howler along to The Beercart Arms one day.

11. Have fights using them as weapons.

12. Better still, attack random people with them.

13. Stick them up your shirt, even though this makes you look more like a hunchback than a supermodel. (Thank you Will.)

14. Make them give themselves blow jobs. (Thank you B.)

15. Make them shag each other.