1. What is your dress sense?
a) Loose, baggy, colourful.
b) Punky or gothy.
c) Smart casual / sporty.
d) I don't do clothes.
e) None of the above.

2. What hair length do you like on people you fancy?
a) Don't mind.
b) Long.
c) Shortish to shoulder-length. Must be finger-runnable.
d) I don't do hair.
e) Short and sensible.

3. How soppy are you?
a) I'm a cynic.
b) I'm a realist.
c) I'm Queen Soppygit Of Soppyness.
d) I like Penguins.
e) None of the above.

4. What would your first impression of this person be?

a) Quelle idiote.
b) Ooh, sexxay!
c) Scary . . . . that guy looks disturbing.
d) Is that me there?
e) I avoid such people.

5. Favourite type of book?
a) Victorian novels / obscure / nothing post-1950.
b) Stuff about sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll.
c) Modern foreign novels / satires / quality love stories (NOT Mills & Boon)
d) What's a book?
e) None of the above.

6. Favourite song?
a) Centerfold by J. Geils Band.
b) Centerfold by J. Geils Band.
c) Centerfold by J. Geils Band.
d) Anything by Eminem or Britney Spears or Billie Piper. (If you put this, switch off now and flee for your life, Ell is coming to kill you!)
e) None of the above.

7. What magazine are you most likely to buy?
a) The Economist.
b) Classic Rock.
c) Vogue / Heat.
d) Porn. (My blood runs cold . . .)
e) None of the above.

8. What's your flirting style?
a) I don't flirt.
b) Wearing a PVC dress.
c) Angel waiting for someone to corrupt me.
d) People run away from me before I get the chance to try.
e) None of the above.

9. What do you want to be in ten years time?
a) Alive.
b) Rich and famous, with a really big stereo.
c) Deliriously happy, successful & famous with a wonderful husband (or a wonderful wife if you prefer women).
d) Dead.
e) None of the above.

10. What do you like best?
a) Fluffy kittens.
b) B.
c) Phish Food and being energetic.
d) Carpet tiles.
e) None of the above.

11. In what ways do you scare people?
a) With intellect and cynicism.
b) With my typing speed. Or by growling at them.
c) With constant giggling, copying the phrases of all my friends, singing/talking in Spanish or some such foreign language.
d) I only know sheep.
e) I'm not scary!

12. What scares you?
a) Shouting.
b) People who desperately try to achieve the non-existent state of "normal".
c) B.
d) Paper.
e) None of the above.

13. What did you get on the Purity Test?
a) Above 80% and it's probably not going down (and neither am I).
b) About 57% but it's descending all the time.
c) Above 80% but I'm hoping to lower it.
d) 1%.
e) None of the above.

14. What's your bed like?
a) Uncomfy but sleepable on.
b) Broken, but never sleep in it anyway.
c) Very comfy, but wouldn't mind if it was broken while having a very good time(!)
d) I don't have a bed, I sleep on the TV.
e) Rectangular, 6 feet long, 3 feet wide and 2 feet high. Honestly, what did you expect?

15. Do you want to go to Keynes Bar now?
a) Not really.
b) No. I want to sleeeeeeeeeeep!
c) Yes!
d) Does it have a jacuzzi?
e) What's Keynes Bar?


If you got . . .

Mostly 'A's You're an Ell-clone. (Watch out for B, he'll try and molest you!)
Mostly 'B's You're a Zeddic one. (Stay away from B, you'll be mad enough to let him molest you.)
Mostly 'C's You're a En-type. (Avoid B unless you want nightmares.)
Mostly 'D's You're a psychopath. (You'd probably get on well with B.)
Mostly 'E's Boring geen! Get away from us!