While America couldn't make up its mind about who should become its President, we realised that it would benefit from our leadership. We thought it was pretty funny that the most powerful country in the world was dithering around so long over which votes technically counted & all that bullshit. We think we would be the ideal leaders, and if you don't agree, we could always kidnap you & brainwash you with our mind-control techniques. But anyway, without further ado, we give you the reasons why America should belong to us for as long possible.

1. We would make sure that more films that people with more than one brain cell could enjoy. PLEASE - NO MORE HIGH CONCEPT, OK! (Definition of "high concept" for our foreign friends: lots of special effects, very bad / no plot). We would also finance more non-American films.

2. We could hypnotise the majority of the film stars so that they can meet YOU, the general public (even if you do fancy Brad Pitt [now what's wrong with Brad Pitt? Leo, urrrrrrgh! But Brad, mmmmmmmm! - (z)Ed]). En personally identifies with anyone who would like this to happen because, in her own words, "I FANCY ERIC STOLTZ SOOOOOOO MUCH." But anyway, we digress onto point 3.

3. America could benefit from our talents in certain areas - Zed's creative genius (maybe then they would know how to spell); Ell's powers of language (ie. learn how to completely baffle people with long, complicated words thus creating a new generation of politicians hopefully brainwashed by our wonderful teaching); En's powers of love, happiness & optimism that she preaches as The High Priestess of The Soppygit Cult. We believe this would make America a happier, peaceful & more educated place (apologies to the educated Americans among you who are also pacifists - we realise that we are making generalisations here but some things need to be said).

4. We'd ban McDonalds. I'm sorry, did someone say it sold FOOD? You are mistaken my friend. Food is something that is cooked properly & does not taste like plastic (Ell worked there & she agrees; she dares not say more for fear of a libel suit. She can't afford a good lawyer.).

5. On the subject of TV, we would:

Get rid of Jerry Springer-he likes to see his guests make fools of themselves - I know they consent to be on the show but surely people would afterwards feel uncomfortable at laying themselves wide open for ridicule. Jerry - these people have feelings, it is NEVER a good idea for people to wash such "dirty linen" in public as it leads to further heartache. Besides, we are sick of all those men in the audience yelling "Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" like demented apes. They must have a combined IQ of 2.

Also on our hit-list: Baywatch (we know the point of it was tits but you could have bought Playboy or Hustler instead, couldn't you boys?! Why waste electricity, hmmm?), Roseanne (not funny, why waste valuable space on TV schedules?), Home Improvement (You mean (gasp!) it was s'posed to be funny?)

Keep:
Ell: The Simpsons, South Park, (Kenny will die forevermore!), Star Trek (it's funny - as are the trekkies!), Futurama, Buffy The Vampire Slayer (My mum would slay me if I got rid of it!)
En: Third Rock From Sun (witty bits of social comment for when one isn't feeling too intelligent), Sunset Beach - so crap that it was fantastic - bring it back! I love: Annie & Olivia's bitch fights; Ben - so romantic, to the point of puking perhaps, but I appreciate a lack of cynicism; the annoyingness of Cole ALWAYS calling Caitlin "Sweetheart"; the hilariously over-the-top-let's-all-be-friends happy ending to the series; the crap disguises; madwoman Virginia; Madame Carmen - who talks in Spanish & then repeats what she has said in English (Hey, I do that!) I like Sesame Street too, apart from Big Bird who is annoying. However, Cookie Monster, Grover, Elmo & Kermit are cool.

Imports:
Ell: Red Dwarf (well, I think it's funny), Dangermouse
En: I would like Americans to understand The Friday Night Armistice but it may be a little too anglicised for them. Other shows: TOTP 2 (Americans aren't nearly aware enough of our music), Red Dwarf, some decent historical / cultural documentaries (thank you, BBC & Channel 4); Grange Hill (episodes up to the early 1990s - by the way, wasn't the theme tune cool?)