You will doubtless have heard how embarrassed En was when I told story 1 to her at the bus stop. However I thought it was interesting. These are all true apparently. Stories 1 and 3 I heard in SE302 'Foundations of human culture' lectures when we did primates [you got to *do* primates? Lucky geens! Oh hang on, I do a primate every night - (z)Ed], supposedly to relate to primate reproduction, conservation and learning ability. Story 2 I read in a Sunday Times review of Tomorrows World.

1) The problem of getting sperm samples from gorillas.

This has to be done to increase the pregnancy rate of gorillas as they breed too slowly otherwise. However getting the sperm samples is difficult and the most effective way is for you to stimulate Mr Gorilla's private parts with small electric currents. It is highly recommended that Mr Gorilla is sedated first as he doesn't like it. The other big problem is that the samples are tiny. Human males produce lots of sperm. Half goes to try and woo dame egg, the other half forms a wall to prevent another man's sperm getting there first even if the woman sleeps with someone else soon after. As gorillas live in single male societies they do not need the barrier sperm as females will not copulate with any other male therefore the sperm samples are small.

A grim job. However at least it is better that being an elephant's gynaecologist

2) The problem of taking ultrasound scans from pregnant elephants.

The authorities at the zoo have to make sure baby elephants develop healthily within mummy elephant. However taking ultrasound scans poses problems as her skin is too thick for the scan to penetrate and the birth canal is far too long, therefore it was impossible to ascertain how the baby was developing - until now!

What is done is to put the probe up Mrs Elephant's - err- back passage and take the scan through her stomach. I hope Mrs Elephant was sedated!

3) The problem of rearing chimps without adult chimps to show them the ropes.

One lab had two young chimps intended for breeding which had been raised by humans. As they became sexually mature the researchers realised the apes did not know what to do. The male masturbated like mad all the time and the female stuck pieces of wood up her vagina, but they had never seen chimps copulate so they did not know how to do it. Only when two adults were brought in to copulate in front of them did the penny drop.