IDEAS FOR MANAGING STRESS
by Ell, En and Zed

Note: En acquired a printed sheet entitled "Ideas For Managing Stress". We decided to graffiti-ise it a bit . . .

Become knowledgeable about stress

  • Identify your major source of stress (En: sweetcorn relish - uuuuuurgh, how disgusting! PLEASE don't force me to eat it!)
  • Anticipate stressful periods and plan for them (Buy sanitary towels)
  • Develop a number of constructive strategies and practise them. (Right, what shall we build with Zed's Lego set today?)

    Come to terms with your feelings

  • Do not suppress feelings: acknowledge them to yourself and share them with others. (Oh she does! - Ell & Zed)
  • Learn to be flexible and adaptable. (by trying new sexual positions)

    Develop effective behavioural skills

  • Do not use the words "can not" when you actually mean "will not" (Can't, sorry)
  • Use free time productively (or reproductively if you prefer)
  • Be assertive (Bu**er off!)
  • Avoid blaming others for situations (What's that saying again - "it takes two to make a neurotic")
  • Provide others with positive feedback.
  • Learn to say no (with 2 Unlimited - "No no / No no no no / No no no no / No no there's no limit!" Available from all seriously dodgy / open-minded music stores)
  • Acknowledge problems as soon as they appear. (Ah, there's a problem. (3 seconds later) And another. (3 seconds later) And another.)

    Establish and maintain a strong support network
    (translation note: Always wear a good, well-fitting bra)

  • Ask for direct help, and be receptive to it when it is offered
  • Rid yourself of dead or damaged relationships (& hair)
  • Tell the members of your support network that you value the relationship (when you need to borrow a tenner from them)

    Develop a lifestyle that will strengthen you against stress

  • Maintain correct weight (of Ben & Jerry's in your room)
  • Regularly practise some form of exercise: vigorous, stretching, recreational (Hey all that can apply to sex, can't it?)
  • Engage regularly in some form of systematic relaxation (massages, mas******ion [hey, mass & ions - I didn't know that physics could be relaxing!)
  • Use alcohol and caffeine in moderation or not at all
  • Do not use tobacco
  • Avoid food high in sugar, salt, white flour, saturated fats, chemicals (Great - NOW what are we s'posed to eat?)
  • Plan your use of time both daily and on a long term basis
  • Seek out variety and change of pace (Try out different positions and speeds.)
  • Do not dwell on unimportant matters

    (Or alternatively, pig out & enjoy yourself! Life's too short to worry about health.)

    Remember your spiritual development

  • Establish a sense of purpose and direction (I'll go north today)
  • Believe in yourself (or your shelf, if extra support is necessary)
  • Learn to transcend stressful situations: maintain a sense of proportion (Proportion = no. of successful trials / total no. of trials. No problem!)


    Have you ever thought about counselling as a profession?