Ell begs the kind reader's indulgence for its sheer crapness but requests him or her to bear in mind most of it was written nearly ten years ago and should hence be regarded as an item of juvenilia, a historical artefact, of interest charting her evolution as a writer. Or something.

She is going to try and finish it off according to the spirit of the original. For the sake of accuracy, the reader will be pleased to note she first gave up on it after act 2 scene 4.

The Reader should also be aware that much of it is written in dialect of the most obscure kind, but he/she must note that it is supposed to reflect the heaviest form of Suffolk/Norfolk speech.

She will quite understand if the reader does not like this work but the reader will be pleased to note she will despise the reader forevermore if the reader does dislike it.


The plot [don't say you weren't warned!]

Albert Twyselton-Tyslford-Byobridge-Herglbaum-De'ath-DuBois-Poubelle-WiddlonStein-Smythe-Smythe-Brown-Browning-St Claire-St John-St David-Ardleby-Herman-German-Fleurman-Bloomfield-Willow-Fitzroy-Simmonds-Sigurdsson-Fansough-Bartholemew-Jones-Penpwys-Sweetapple-Pineapple-Columbus-Little-Hartfield married his childhood sweetheart, Alberta Hartfield. However owing to his poverty he was obliged to seek employment at the goldmine of the Texan billionaire Brent Spar, and circumstances detained him for ten years.

Upon returning to his birthplace of Wasoak in the Fens, he discovered that his faithful Alberta had won the lottery and had built a huge mansion on top of the famous Mount Neverest. However on top of the mountain there is a timewarp. The American Civil war, the English civil war and world war two are being fought simultaneously. How will Albert cope? Will his faithful family retainer, Mrs Spickanspan, eventually drive him mad? Will Adolf Hitler find the Rabbi? Will you read on after this paragraph? All will be revealed!


Dramatis personae

Albert Twyselton-Tyslford-Byobridge-Herglbaum-De'ath-DuBois-Poubelle-WiddlonlStein-Smythe-Smythe-Brown-Browning-St Claire-St John-StDavid-Ardleby-Herman-German-Fleurman-Bloomfield-Willow-Fitzroy-Simmonds-Sigurdsson-Fansough-Bartholemew-Jones-Penpwys-Sweetapple-Pineapple-Columbus-Little-Hartfield : The hero of our tale. A well-meaning man, though somewhat dense. His family were formally one of the greatest in the Fenland region though in the 20th century fell on hard time necessitating his going away to earn money.

Alberta Twyselton-Tyslford-Byobridge-Herglbaum-De'ath-DuBois-Poubelle-WiddlonStein-Smythe-Smythe-Brown-Browning-St Claire-St John-St David-Ardleby-Herman-German-Fleurman-Bloomfield-Willow-Fitzroy-Simmonds-Sigurdsson-Fansough-Bartholemew-Jones-Penpwys-Sweetapple-Pineapple-Columbus-Little-Hartfield : His wife, somewhat cleverer than her spouse, but still devoted to him and is determined to raise the family back to its former glory, helped by a lottery win of £50 million.

Bill Hickerift : A descendent of Tom Hickarift, the Famous Fenland Giant. He is 4ft 9. He lives in the cottage where Albert and Alberta used to live and remembers Albert from when he was a little boy.

Mrs Spickanspan: Has been in Albert's family since she went into service aged 15 (approximately 500 years ago). She is a devout republican and has Oliver Cromwell's autograph. She would have died long ago but she was so annoying neither heaven nor hell would take her in. She has been married twice but both her husbands went mad in under a year.

She is the author's alter-ego, her dark side, her subconscious self. She represents the hidden aspects of Ell which she is obliged to hide for society to function. The side that just likes annoying people!

Ernald Winterbottom: Alberta's lawyer and an old family friend of Albert and Alberta.

Sidcup Buttermeadow: The MP for the Wasoak district

Comrade 1 : A co-worker of Albert's in the Mine. A lugubrious Cockney. He secretly writes poems about bunny rabbits and wears women's underwear.

Comrade 2: Another co-worker, a ridiculously optimistic and friendly Mexican who never takes his sombrero off.

Comrade 3 : Another co-worker, from somewhere in the south of England. He has dark secrets, so secret that even the author doesn't know what they are

Piggy : A friend of Albert's as a child. He wouldn't eat his rice pudding so Mrs Spickanspan locked him in the spare room but forgot to let him out and he is now a skeleton.

The Rabbi : Supposed to be a rabbit but the servant got it wrong. Likes beef sandwiches and dislikes Mrs Spickanspan.

Jemima : Descendent of Mrs Spickanspan. Lives in the cellar of the house keeping the rats and mice under control.

Brent Spar : Texan billionaire, owner of the Gold mine, notorious for exploiting his workers.

Bob: Member of the imperial republican army of double glazing salesmen.

The armies of the Confederate South and the Union, Parliamentarians and Royalists, Hitler and Mussolini.

The Royal Canadian Kamikaze Canaries.

Act 1 scene 1

A dark, damp room, a table occupies most of it. A desk calendar is tacked to the wall. The room is under 6 inches of water. Albert is leaning against the wall.

Albert: (In overly dramatic tones -obviously overacting) OH! Spare Me! For ten years have I been stuck down this wretched gold mine, with no contact with the outside world except for the paperboy who is supposed to come weekly but only comes in July because it's too far to walk! (Glances at calendar) an' now it's August an' he still ain't come!

Comrade 1: Oi Albert d'yah wan' t'ava a gime o' cards?

Albert (in the same dramatic tone): I might as well. It'll while away some of the endless hours of my meaningless existence.

Comrade 1: Wot y'on abaht?

Albert(in normal tone): Oh I'm sorry, I'm just getting so sick of this mine. I've been here ten years. (Sighs). It's oppressive. I want to go home.

Enter comrades 2 and 3.

Comrade 2: Neeverr mind hombre! Eet weel surrley end! Now do you wanter play snap orr 'appee famelees?

Comrade 3 : I wish we had some proper cards. I hate having to play silly kids games with silly kids cards.

Comrade 1 : Yeah Ah know wot ya mean.

[There is a noise, a paper falls through the door. The 4 men go and gaze on it with reverence].

Albert (in an emotion filled tone): The paper's come.

[They gaze at the copy of the Sunday Times reverently, as though it contained the answers to all the world's mysteries].

Comrade 3: Lets finish the tea to celebrate. (He goes off with the teapot. Brent Spar enters. He grabs the financial section).

Brent Spar: Raat! Ah'm a- garner fire y'all weeyth yo' pay - weeych eeyes mo ' then yo deeserrve.

Comrade 2: Wat yoo say señor?

Brent Spar: Ahh'm sayin' Ahh'm a closen theeyes ol' mahn down. Now, ~Albert, fahve peyence a year eeyes 50p.. (he deals out similarly low sums to the other comrades).

Waal boys, be seein' y'all.(exit).

Albert: Alberta!!! (He rushes out)

Comrade 2: Wats weeth heem? He shrugs.

Exunt.

Act 1 Scene 2.

Outside a rundown cottage in the Fens. It is very flat terrain . The area is dominated by a huge mountain (Mount Neverest).

Albert: Oh Alberta, how have I been able to survive the long years without thee!

(Knocks at the door. It is opened by a gentleman who is obviously of great antiquity).

Old man: Eh? 'Ew are yew then?

Albert: More to the point who are you?

Old man: Oi'm Bill 'Ickarift. 'Ew are yew?

Albert: Bill! Don't you remember little Albert? (He starts to recite his name) err, what came after WiddlonStein?

Bill: Oi doon' know. But yar Albert a'roight, yew never c'd moind yar name! Ef yew c'd, yew wouldn' a bin Albert! (He grins suddenly) Well, well li'l o' l Albert.

Albert: Where's Alberta? She swore she'd wait for me! (Starts to cry and wail hysterically) where is she? Where is she?

Bill: Calm deoon. Well, she go' a lo' a' money from t' lo'rry, an' that 'ere Mrs Spickanspan woman, she say that this ow' heyoos warn' good enough f 'har an' tha' sowd 'at ter me an' tha' belt thet 'ere place on th' meeyown' an'.

Albert: Mrs Spickanspan! She's still (swallows) alive! Oh no, she can't be! She was years old when I last saw her!

Bill: Oi'm affeard she're still aloive.

Albert: It was one of the few cheerful thoughts in the mine that she might have died! (sighs) Oh well. The house, on the mountain you say?

Bill nods. Albert turns around to look and starts

Albert: It's, it's .

Bill: 'Arrable?

Albert: That's exactly the adjective I wanted.

Bill: Good. Well tha' were Mrs Spickanspan what desoigned 'at. Won an award tew.

Albert: Ah that explains all. (fondly) Alberta always did have such wonderful taste. You remember when -

Bill (hastily) Yeh well Oi'll be a-getting' Alberta deoon fer yew. (Yells) OI! ALBERTA! YAR HUSBAN' 'A COME HOOM!

Alberta: (yelling back from the mountain) WHAT!! ALBERT'S HOME ? WHERE IS HE!!!!???

Bill: HIS DEOON 'AIR A-TALK'N TER ME. COME DEOON OI SAY!!!

(Clouds of dust come down from the mountain and are visible nearly to the cottage when they change into Alberta).

Alberta: Albert! Albert! (repeat as often as the director's sanity will allow for).

Albert: Alberta! (ditto).

Albert: Alberta, how could you hear us? The mountain is a mile away and at least a mile high. How could you hear our cries my dearest? How could you hear our cries beloved? How could you hear our cries?

Bill (under breath) oh gawd.

Alberta: Love has given me big ears my dear one.

Albert: No, you ears are perfectly, prettily petite.

(Alberta giggles with delight at this compliment).

Bill: Crair owf yew tew (Goes into house muttering) Oi 'ate love stories wi' happy endin's.

Albert and Alberta exit still going 'oh Albert' 'Oh Alberta' etc.

Act 1 scene 3.

(Albert and Alberta enter a sitting room from a lift, holding hands. The walls are covered with many family trees, the earliest dating fron 981 AD).

Albert: It was frightfully clever of you to have a lift system put in, Popsie.

Alberta: You remembered! Wogglebuffin!

Albert: Popsiewopsiepuddunlullylullybybyboofuls, how could I forget our special names?!

Alberta: Wogglebuffinwiffinuffyvuffybottybumblebumbfinswumfins!

They embrace. Mrs Spickanspan enters.

M.S : Oh Master Albert! You're torn yar trousers.

Albert: Oh, hello Mrs Spickenspan.

M.S Weer a' yew bin yew naughty boy? Oi a' bin a-lookin' fer yew fer ten yeahs. Jist cause you're in long trousers don't mean yew can drop all civilised behaviour tha's a-bin in the makin' fer a thousan' yeahs.

Albert (wearily) Sorry Mrs Spickanspan.

M.S: Roight Oi'll goo an' git yar tea, don' yew git inter trouble yew tew.

Exit

Albert: What possessed you to keep her? She was always interfering. She's as mad as a hatter, blind as a bat, deaf as a post and senile as a .. a .. senile person. Why didn't you put her in a home? Father said he couldn't remember a time when she wasn't senile. Nor could Grandfather, and he said his father and grandfather couldn't, nor their parents.

Alberta (tearfully) Well you know how nice her boiled eggs are.

They sit. Re-enter M.S with a tray with two bowls of porridge on.

M.S: theer yew are. Loverly porridge.

Albert: How long have you been in the family Mrs Spickanspan?

M.S: Sence Oi were 15 master Albert. Oi became a nurse when Oi were 17.

Albert: And when was that?

She clips him round the ear and he spills his porridge.

M.S: Moind yar manners yew cheeky pup! Oi an' a- makin' noo more porridge fer yer rudeness. Jis' yew be glad Oi ain' lockin' yew in yar room, now clean up that mess!

Exits muttering about children's rudeness.

Alberta: Never mind darling have mine.

Act 1 scene 4.

The same. A cat is purring around Albert's legs. Alberta comes in.

Alberta: Oh is he bothering you?

Albert: No(Strokes Smudgable). He's very nice. What's his name?

Alberta: Erm, Smudgablefluffikins (cat spits) and it was Mrs Spickanspan that named him!

Albert: Explains it. (to cat) daft name ain't it? (cat purrs in agreement). Who did you say was coming to see me about putting to see me on the voter's list?

Alberta: (looks at some papers) Er -Sidcup Buttermeadow, MP for Wasoak and surrounding areas.

Albert:(laughing) Sidcup Buttermeadow!!!! What a daft name(to cat) almost as bad as your's eh Kitty?(Cat rubs its head against his hand and purrs even louder).

Alberta: Well daft name or not it's very kind of him to come and help you in this matter when I couldn't get our usual solicitor.

Albert: What happened to Ernald Winterbottom [distant relative of Walter, no doubt] by the way?

Alberta: He was Kidnapped by an extremist Frintonese group.

Albert: Were they staying at his hotel?

Alberta: Don't be silly, they think holidays are degenerate and sinful. He was in Frinton on holiday. He was captured when he rolled up his trousers for a paddle. He was taken to 'The Miserable Sinner' -

Albert: That pub where they only served water and said that all other drinks were sinful luxuries and that we'd thank them when we were in heaven with them? Horrid, gloomy place that was.

Alberta: Yes well he was held hostage 'to punish him for his depravity' before he was rescued by some cannibals from Clacton. They borrowed a boat from the Czeck and Mongolian District and Council Navy.

Albert: Didn't they try and eat him?

Alberta: oh no, they're vegetarian.

M.S comes in

M.S: Well ,ef yew wanter goo to the trouble o' goin' abroad yew'll git trouble Oi say, specially a frivolous place loike Frinton Oi say. Poor ow' Noll [Oliver Cromwell], he'd never 've allowed sech gooin's on. Tha's a sorry toime when Noll doid an' left England tew the wicknessess o' th' warld.

Albert: What did you come to tell us Mrs Spickanspan?

M.S: Oh yis there's a horrud li'l ratty thing at 'front doot.

Alberta: (goes to window). Oh yes it's mr Buttermeadow. Would you go and let him in Mrs Spickanspan please.

M.S: Oh Yar li'l frien' Albert. A'roigh then. Exit

Albert: Little friend? Does she think I'm five again!

Alberta (whispering) Just play along.

M.S enters. Sidcup follows.

M.S Neoo jist play quoi'ly while Oi dew th' heooswark. Exit

Alberta: Do sit down sir.

Sidcup: Call Me Sidcup. Who's that, erm -woman?

Albert: If you think she is! That's Mrs Spickanspan.

Alberta: Don't be rude, she'll hear you. She's been in the family since she was 15.

Albert: Whenever that was. At least 500 years ago I reckon.

Sidcup: I see your family's certainly very old. Tell me about it.

Albert: (goes to a section of wall and points) There's Alberta and me, My parents Lesley and Leslie, my grandparents Victor and Victoria, Horatio and Horatia.

Alberta: And on my side Ethelbert and Ethelberta and, Michael and Michelle.

Right back to the first member for the family in England. Françis and his wife-

Sidcup: Françoise?

Albert: No, whatever gave you that idea? Her name was Gweneth and she was a brave Welsh girl. He married her when she saved his life.

Sidcup: Oh? How did she do that.

Albert: She stopped hitting him when he he agreed to marry her. (sniffs) Such a beautiful story.

Dixie is heard coming from outside in the Petunia bed.

Alberta: Dear Me Mrs Spickanspan's very late with elevensis today. Any minute now we'll hear protests (cue loud complaints) Why she has to complain to General Hood everyday for killing Noll I don't know.

Sidcup: Wha?

Alberta: Oh, the mountain's on a timewarp. At this point, time becomes screwed and several historical battles converge here. I don't mind, it keeps the double glazing people away.

Albert: Is that why I heard gunfire in bed last night?

Alberta: Yes dear. But they've promised not to hit us.

Albert (reassured): Oh good.

Sidcup looks worried. Enter M.S with a tray and glasses.

M.S (in a baby talk voice) Neoo, hev yew all hed a noice toime? Hev our li'l owd gist bin a good boy?

Sidcup: Madam - I am not a li'l owd gist - I am from the government on serious business.

M.S: An' Albert 'a bin James Bond Oi b'live. Yis? Neoo, tha's toime fer li' lspois tew hev some ginger beer an' buns. Ate Up, James, M an' Miss Money pairny.

Sidcup: Ohh thankyou. (eats) mmph fery hice.

M.S: Doon' tark wi' yar mouth full.

Albert: Hadn't Sidcup better be going.

Sidcup: yes I ought. Thankyou for having me.

M.S: Oi'll shew yew eoot.

Exit, there it the sound of a yell.

M.S (off): Yew cheeky li'l want! Neoo, yew goo to the speer room fer that rudeness.

Alberta: What did he do?

M.S Asked How ol' Oi am.

Sidcup(Off) Can you ring my wife and tell her I'll be late?

Alberta: Yes. We'll try and sneak you out later.

Albert: Oh why bother!

Outside a cry of 'HEIL HITTLER' is heard.

Alberta: Oh Oh the orchard!

She grabs Albert's hand and they run off.

Act 2 Scene 1.

An orchard. There are a lot of fruit trees. Apples and pears are scattered on the ground, the grass is very high. There is a rabbit hutch with a Jewish gentleman clad in Rabbi vestments and beard inside.

Albert(off): What have you got a Rabbi in a hutch for?!?!?!!?

Alberta(off)Well, I wanted to keep the grass down in the orchard 'cos it was cetting too long to manage. I couldn't get a lawnmower up here so I bought a goat to keep the grass down.

(they enter through a side door).

Albert: A goat! What's that got to do with it?

Alberta (patiently): I'm trying to tell you. The goat kept eating the apples and he got drunk,

Albert: Why?

Alberta: Cider apples. The gardener got frightened to come up so I thought a little rabbit would be better.

Rabbi: And she got someone deaf to do it, he mis-heard her and got me.

Alberta: And when he came back with the Rabbi I hadn't the heart to tell him he got it wrong.

Rabbi: I wish you were crueller. Apples and pears are all very well in moderation but I can't eat them all the time and I'm not a wretched rabbit!

Alberta: But when Mrs Spickanspan heard she said she'd make you sandwiches.

Rabbi: Oh she does but -I can't eat them.

Albert: Oh she's given you ham.

Rabbi: Goood guess and you're correct. And do you know what she said when I told her?

Albert: Let me guess, something about how you're very naughty to have such silly fads and that she won't make you any more till you've eaten them?

Rabbi: got it in one.

Albert: (looking in pocket) er I've got a cheese sandwich I saved from lunch -

Rabbi: Gimmie!

Albert: New Years' day 1973. I forgot to eat it.

Rabbi: doesn't matter!(Wolfs it down).

Alberta: We can get you some rice pudding. No ham I take it?

Rabbi : Very kind of you.

Act 2 scene 2.

A kitchen garden. The sun is shining, birds are singing. The armies of Hitler and Mussolini and sitting on the grass relaxing.

Soldier: Boodiful day ja?

Soldier 2: Si, eet makesa you weesh you deed not haafa to fight.

Hitler and Mussolini enter. The birds stop singing.

Armies stand and salute the leaders

Armies HEIL HITLER!!!

Mussolini: erm, Heila Sarrleen!

Hitler: Nein! Gott in himmle vhy do I keep you on?

Mussolini: becasa weeeth my armie yoursa essa da beegest.

Hitler: Mein troopen! Soon it vill be so zat our army vill conquer all zeses ozer countries and a toasand year reich shall begin! Our first move is t eliminate all Jewish scums so zer people off Germany-

Mussolini: And Italia!

Hitler: Shut up - vill live in glorious harmony! Destroy zer Jews und Frau Spigenspan-

Armies: Heil!!! Destroy Zer foul Frau1

Hitler: -Yes, und in Germany it vill be like heaven!

Mussolini: si but we are in England seence that time warp swallwed us.

Hitler: You blunterink fool! Zis is zer lant of zer enemy! Ve caneasily conquer zem!

A cavalier peeps over the wall.

Cavalier: Master Hitler-

Hitler: Vot you say Englander skum?

Cavalier: I am bid by his Majesty, King Charles, to enquire if ye be finished.

Hitler: Vhy?

Cavalier: His majesty and his Royal highness the Prince Rupert (God bless them both) do wanteth to give us a pep talk and all of the other gardens, which the Gracious lady Alberta, hath given us are all occupied.

Hitler: Vell vhy don't you go do zer vood?

Cavalier : Mrs Spickanspan did threaten to send us to bed early if we were so to do.

Hitler: Vell vot about zer orchart?

Cavalier: Dame Spickanspan will not letteth us in, claiming it be for our own sakes and none dare to question her.

Hitler: Ja I zee der point.

Albert (off): We'll have to get some kosher food.

Alberta: (off) Mmm sorry what's that?

Albert(off): The rabbi, in the orchard, we'll have to get some kosher food for him.

Alberta(off): I'll talk to cook.

Hitler: (grins) I sink you could haf der garten now.

Cavalier: Oh thank you. I am thankful there be nothing of any danger in the orchard what!(exit).

Hitler: Mein droopen! Ve can start eratigading zer Juden skum immediately!

Loud cries of Heil Hitler except for Muss who goes Heil Me and is hit by Hitler.

Act 2 Scene 3.

A cellar with many wine cases. A little girl issitting playing with rats. M.S enters with a plate of cheese and a glass of lemonade.

M.S: theer yew goo Jemoima (looks around with distaste) Oi doon' know whoi yew loike all o' these 'ere rats an' moice.

Jemima: Tha's whoi Oi loike 'em graany.

M.S (slaps her). Doon' yew be soo rude Miss Jemoima Fluffyduckbum.

Jemima: Plaise doon't yewse m' name graany.

M.S: Mmm, Oi'll leave yew now then. (under breath) oi hates 'at deoon hare. Exit.

Jemima: Heh heh heh.

Alberta and Albert come in.

'Ello, ;ew are yew tew then?

Albert: I'm Albert.

Jemima: Ohh yis Oi know beoot yew, yew poor thang, fancy hav'n t' be fussed oover boi graany.

Albert: Mrs Spickanspan had children!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? !?!?!?!?!?!?

Jemima: Year, she maaried Mr Spickan, doon' know when, but ew mounths later 'a was taken mad an' the parish had to take 'im awa'. Arter'a doid, Oi b'lieve that was about 18 yeahs later, she married mister Span. She had a son boi him an' he lasted nearly 6 months afor tha' had t' take'm awa'. Funny o'l boy 'paarently but 'as bin dead a long toime.

Alberta: and you're her grand daughter (to Albert) see, I thought Mrs spickanspan couldn't be that old.

Jemima: Naw 'ass more greats 'n 'at. Me mum an' dad, thar dead. Moi real graany a' got custody o' me but she's in a hoom an' Mrs spickanspan atter look after me.

Alberta: ~(aside to Albert) Why is she here?

Albert: I don't know and don't whisper. Why are you here? More importantly what do you think of Mrs Spickanspan.

Alberta: Albert! She should be in school.

Jemima: Oi jis' keep the ra's an' moice unner control. Oi dew hate mrs Spickanspan, tha's whoi Oi stay deoon hare 'cos she don' loike moi frein's hare. Noither did the kids at school, tha' was allus naster tew me an' Oi never loiked that soo oi lef' 's soon as Oi could read an' add up.

Now tha's feed'n toime an' tha' git a bit naste 'f we ain left aloon ef yew doon' moind. But dew call agin, Oi loike a li'l compony sometoimes.

Albert: there you are Alberta I knew there'd be a perfectly rational explenation for her being here. Come on, nice to meet you - what's your name?

Jemima: Jemioma.

Alberta: But Albert-

Albert: Come on! Any enemy of Mrs Spickanspan's is a friend of mine!

Act 2 Scene 4.

Outside the house. The comrades form the mine, Ernald Winterbottom, and a member of the imperial Republican Army of Double Glazing Salesmen stand outside. The latter runs forward to ring the bell, as does comrade 3.

Doub.g: Nyerr (sticks tongue out).

Comrade 3: I wanted to do that!

Ernald: Please gentlemen I trust we are above such childish wants as pushing the doorbell I trust.

Doub.g : Yes, quite right. We are grown-ups now.

Comrade 3 sticks his tongue out at him.

Comrade 2: Why doon't they hanseerr the door eh jose?

Comrade 1: Well, like don't they have a really ol' lady doin' these fings? She's probably, like, really slow.

Ernald: Err yess.

Comrade 2: Si hombre.

Ernald: Don't call me hombre. Please just call me sir.

Comrade 2: Si sirr. I love liiiddle olt ladies. 'Ow old ees she?

Ernald: About 400.

Comrade 2: Youse keeding me Señor?

M.S opens the door.

M.S Neoo then 'ew's bin a kiddin' 'ew? Are yew all Albert's li'l frien's? Oi 'a jist made a fresh vat o' rioce pudd'n'!

Comrade 2 : No sank you. Haave you any torteelas leeddle olt lady?

M.S: What (horrid realisation) Yew mean ter say yew ain't English?!?!?!

Comrade 2: (taken aback and frightened) No Señora Speekanspan, I ama from Meheeho.

M.S: Arrgh the Spaanierds 'av' inwaded at last! Well, Oi'll never be disloyal t' the Queen!

Ernald: Mrs Spickanspan, he doesn't want to take over England, he, and the rest of us, are just here to see Albert.

M.S: Ernald! You're in this as will! Albert would never by disloyal tew 's country! She grabs all the men and pulls them in.

Act 2 scene 5.

The spare room. A skeleton with a school cap and shorts leans against the wall. Sidcup sits dejectedly on the bed.

Sidcup(to no one in particular) : I'm bored. (Twiddles thumbs). I'm bored.

(Door opens and the captives are flung in).

Sidcup: Oh hello. What are you all in for?

Doub.G: She thinks we're conspiring with the Spanish to invade England.

Comrade 2: Whoo ees thees Pheeleep the second anyway?

Comrade 1: Some Spanish geezer, 'baht 500 years ago.

Ernald: I told you Mrs Spickanspan was about 500!

Sidcup: Oh I was put in here for asking her age. What's your name by the way?

Ernald: I'm Ernald Winterbottom.

Sidcup: Ernald!!! (bursts out laughing)

Ernald: All right then what's your's?

Sidcup: Sidcup Buttermeadow.(Ernald laughs). I admit it's stupid but we're all named after th places we're born in out family. My Dad's called Walthemstow. My Sister's called Dumpton Park.

Ernald: Fair enough. What were you here for anyway?

Sidcup: I was here to see about putting Albert on the voter's list.

Ernald: I'm the family lawyer and had to see about the family finances.

Comrade 2: we were een England-

Comrade 3: We are English dumbo!

Comrade 2: Well I'm not_ and We torght we veeseet heem.

Doub.G: I wanted to sell them double glazing.

Piggy: I came to play with Albert an' Mrth Thpickanthpan locked me here when I wouldn't eat my rith pudding and forgot about me.

Ernald: Oh dear, in which case we will have to try and escape - we can't rely on Mrs Spickanspan to let us out.

Piggy: Can I come too - pleath?

Doub.G: Indeed. Now, because I am of the Imperial Republican army of double glazers, I have skills and talents which will be invaluable. I nominate my self to take charge. All in favour say I.

There is a long silence.

Piggy: I think I've got a plan to get out.