ELL'S FUNERAL
by Ell (En and Zed aren't that cruel!)

I think it is a fair indication of my outlook on life that, while I have not planned for a potential wedding, I have made detailed plans for my funeral. I wish for my funeral to be a celebration of my life. (Unfortunantly this means I will have to get one.)

I am going to have it while I am still alive. It is a perfectly sensible decision. If I really had died then everyone would naturally be far too grief-stricken to do anything. Also it would be a bit of a waste, everyone says such nice things about people at funerals and I do so want to hear my praises. Furthermore I can take note of people's attitudes to my demise and I can adjust my will accordingly.

I intend the event to be memorable. One of the high points will be the funeral procession. It will consist of :

  • Hired mourners, beating their breasts and tearing at their clothes and hair in grief. (I read that they had them in ancient Egypt and thought it sounded really cool).
  • Some Hawaiian dancing girls in grass skirts and adorned with jewels.
  • Ghanaian school children marching (they are very big on marching in Ghana. After every assembly they have to march off and on independence day they marched around Independence square. It is quite impressive.) with big drums.
  • A huge gospel choir singing suitable songs but with such enthusiasm everyone will feel happy. Three or four hundred scantily clad men with nice bodies will be pulling my bier. It will be gold plated and adorned with flowers and tributes from my many fans around the world. Also upon it will be assorted small children throwing kleenex to the weeping crowd below. There will be a sound system on it playing my favourite music.

    Following the bier will be:

  • Ashanti Kete drummers and horn players. The sound they make is quite haunting. They had them at the funeral of the late Ashanti king and I don't see why I should not.
  • Some cheerleaders and baton throwers shouting suitable sentiments such as "2-4-6-8 Who was it who was so great" and "ELL! ELL! WE'LL MISS YA LIKE HELL!!!"
  • Some Ghanaian Fan ice cream sellers, riding their bikes and tooting the horns on their ice boxes (the public will be able to buy some after the service).
  • A big salvation army brass band playing Christmas carols.

    After the doleful parade the procession and congregation will enter the church (St Pauls should be large enough I think) and the service will begin. I will follow the standard funeral service, however the preacher will have to have been chosen for his/her delivery. I want nothing less than full histrionics and acting skill, I want tears coming from the side of his/her face and the hired mourners would break into tears and gnash their teeth at strategic moments. There will be interludes during the service where suitable itmes will be performed, such as:

  • A full performance of Rachmaninov's All Night Vigil with the finest Russian Orthodox choir that can be mustered.
  • Several Abba tribute bands.
  • A full length production of Wagner's Ring Cycle (I've never seen it and I suspect this may be my last chance).
  • A production of Macbeth. [Oh no! I had to watch it approximately 57.3 times while doing GCSE English - enough viewings to last me a life time. We might be the weird sisters, but please can it be something else - (z)Ed.]
  • A medley from 'Carmina Burana'.

    There will also be ample time during the service for eulogies (make them good and sound sad).

    After the reading of the whole Book of John and Book of Revelation the coffin will be pulled out to 'We Are The Champions' by Queen and the paramedics will come and treat the congregation's thrombosis.

    After this will be held the wake and a huge cake will be pulled out. I will leap out, turning a sad occasion into a happy one and there will be a huge party.

    As you can see it will be a splendid occasion and the best part is that everyone is invited! For a mere £200 you will be guaranteed a ticket (well, I have to pay for all this somehow!) but if you are a friend of mine I will knock and fiver off and you will get the chance to give a eulogy (make it good or you won't get anything in my will when I really do die).


    Will you be my friend if I sign the guestbook?