Zed: What are you on?
B: Well, you at the moment.

R (to En): Did you have a safe journey from the outside of the door to the inside of the door?

En: (in an extremely thrilled, hyperactive state) Eric! Eric!
Ell: Think of kittens!!
(Eric & pussies?! I’m not even gonna comment . . . - En)

"But there are plenty of left-handed hookers!" (said En in utter seriousness, who is left-handed, to her mum).
(Hey, this is out of context! - En)

R: (to Zed) Most people just buy condoms. You take it one stage further and buy a baby name book.
Zed: (wielding condoms) Look, I’m normal!
Ell: There’s no such thing as normal!

En & Zed: (simultaneously while looking at the moon) I spy in the night sky don’t I? / Phoebe, Io, Elara, Ledo, Callisto / Sinope / Janus, Dione, Portia so many moo-oo-oons! etc.

Zed: By the way, you talk in your sleep.
En: Oh no! What do I say?
Zed: It’s just incoherent ramblings.
En: Phew! I was getting worried there. I mean, what if a sexy guy stayed over and heard me talking about him in my sleep?
(Got anyone specific in mind?! - Ell & Zed)

Ell: Every man will turn into Homer Simpson once you marry him.
En: (clearly traumatised) Noooooooooooooooo!

M2: (in an evil voice) Slash is from Milton Keynes!
R: (extremely traumatised) Nooooooooooooooooo!

(On which special power would we like to have for a day)
Ell: I still want to fly.
R: What about clothes? Your clothes wouldn’t fit if you grew wings.
Ell: Oh I’d go naked. Give everyone a treat.

R: (on hearing Centerfold by the J. Geils Band) Oh no, not Centerfold!
Zed: Oi! B likes this.
R: Yes, but B is a guy who wears a leather miniskirt & fishnet stockings...

B: Does your friend [C, an old flame] want a threesome?
Zed: Oh, yeah.
B: Does your other friend (En) want a threesome?
(To which my answer would be a definite no. Sorry B, but you’re not my type - En. Special update: En is apparently too skinny for him, but he has decided that Ell is likely to be pretty good in bed (Ell: I pity Zed.) (Zed: Hmpf. I like him, beepit!))

Ell: Which regular Simpsons’ character would you shag? I’d shag Apu. He’s quite sweet, intelligent with a bit off deviousness thrown in for good measure.
En: A cross between Principal Skinner and Sideshow Bob. Intelligence combined with insanity.
(Would suit En down to the ground - Ell)
Zed: Otto. Definitely Otto.
En: He looks like B! He is B!

God let us invent computers in order to tell us that we shouldn’t have (said En, whose computer seems to have a mind of it’s own)

Ell: Ok, it’s settled. When should we meet?
En & Zed: (in unison) When shall we three meet again….
Zed: In Eliot, Becket Court or in Keynes?

Ell (to En): Blessed be your eyebrows!

En (to Ell, having found a really cool website): Oh wow! It gives famous people's addresses. I can stalk Eric [Stoltz] now - cool!
(Don't worry, Eric - it didn't give your address! - En)

Ralph: (pointing at A'n'R) So how did you meet those weird guys?
En: Well I met R & Ad when I was in P's room.
Ralph: How did you meet P?
En: P was the second person I met. K was the first.
Ralph: (amused) The second person you met?
R: Yeah, y'know most people meet their Mum first & then, it's like, oh yeah, "Hi Dad"!
(Quit being so sarky, you cheeky bastard! - En)

A (to En when she was wearing her flowery hippie shirt): Do you know you're wearing curtains?

Zed (examining sanitary towels, to Ell): Normal? There's no such thing as normal!

Ell: Have you got any shaving foam?
Shop assistant: Men's shaving foam?
(Ell might not be the most feminine of women, but she was wearing a skirt . . . then again, that doesn't mean much in the age of B . . .)

Ell (to En): You'd feel like a common whore.
Zed (stroking fishnet tights): Ooh, I feel like a common whore!
En: You look like one too!

Zed: I love fishnet tights! They're the only kind that get less holes the more you wear them!

R: (after a fire alarm at techno night) A security guard actually had to tell me & M2 that the fire alarm was not part of the music and was in fact real.
(What was R, devoted rock society member, doing at techno night anyway?)

En: I swear I'm copying R's speech patterns.
Zed: By the end of the year you'll be him. You'll be looking in the mirror and thinking "Wow, I have cool hair."

Zed: "I Touch Myself" is stuck in my head.
B: Why, have you been touching yourself?
Zed: No, but En has been singing it to me.
B: So En was singing, "When I think about you I touch myself?" to you?

M1: Yes, I'd like to see a brussel sprout murder a potato. Don't quote me on that. [Ha ha! - En]

Ell: Das ist gut.
En: C'est fantastique!
Zed: Hit me! Hit me! HIT ME!
En: Aaaagh! Ian Dury will die! Oh, wait, he's already dead. D'oh!

The Sleeve: I was going into town to meet a friend but I think I'll just be lazy & go & revise instead.

[The Sleeve has recently been making loads of dodgy, sexual remarks around En]
En: You're being so Freudian, y'know.
The Sleeve: Oh sorry - must be because I'm not getting any. (turns to En & grins) Wanna do something about that?

[En, Zed & The Sleeve are sitting outside Keynes Bar on 30/05/01]
En: Apparently, there's supposed to be a really important football match on tonight & I didn't know until Anna told me [earlier that day]
The Sleeve: (with not the slightest hint of sarcasm. Oh no, you'd never, ever be sarcastic, would you Mr Sleeve?) Oohh, my testosterone levels are going through the roof . . .

The Sleeve [said hungrily when seeing chicken on a plate]: Mmmmmmmm . . . bird carcass.

En: Who would you like to play you in a film about your life?
Ell: (grins) Denzel Washington. [said by Ell who a) is female & b) looks nothing like a female version of him anyway]

Ell (to En): Y'know, if you're going to invade Tyler Court, you've got to do it properly. You'll need grappling hooks . . .

En: [to Ell & Zed while in Marks & Spencer] Let's go meet & greet some dead chickens. [Why are these becoming a recurring theme on this page? - (z)Ed.]
[Later, in the frozen food section]
En (to Ell): Say hello to the chickens you've been packing.

Ell: Why is it that we keep scaring people?
En: I know, I can't understand either.

Ell: I hate breasts, they're so annoying.
Zed: Yeah. They get on my . . . oh, they are my tits.