I suddenly know how he feels. This morning, I put two slices of toast in the toaster, pressed the lever, and BANG! There was a heauge explosion and sparks flew everywhere! Heech!

The microwave went on to attempt suicide in sympathy, but luckily we rescued it, and I was able to have warm bread.

But why did the toaster do this to me? Two months ago I wrote an article promoting toasters, for they mean a less-violent society. Huh. That's gratitude for you.

But perhaps the kitchen has just decided to fall apart en masse. Earlier this week, the dishwasher and the fridge had an argument, which involved the taking up of carpet, the loss of cupboards and an inability to reach the sink.

Tuesday 27 April 1999

"Do you believe in karma?" Paul asked during the change over between Religion and Chemistry.

"Nah," I said.

"Good. Let's take the mick out of Roe, who does. Wouldn't it be terrible if he got reincarnated as a tortoise?"

"Nah," I said again. "I think it'd be much worse if he got reincarnated as himself."

Chris and Paul won't leave my man alone. Admittedly, he is only a hole in a plastic stencil that resides in my pencil case for no particular reason, but I'm very fond of him. However, they insist on stretching him horizontally at every possibility (rather like someone must have done with Roe, actually). I'm going to leave him in my drawer for a while to let him recuperate.

Smill, Alice and Helen Wo think me and Chris are getting married. I don't know! Just because we sat together in Physics yesterday morning! All right, so it was for the first time in history (or Physics): usually I share a desk with Smill (although Paul takes the seat next to me when we have tests in the hope of copying my answers), but we just wanted a change.

And, ok, ok, we spent break together too, while I'd usually spend it with Smill.

And we used our coinciding free period sitting alone in the computer room reading Flink's website.

And we went to our other Physics lesson together and once more I gave Smill extra desk space so Chris and I could discuss sports days at our Primary schools.

And we went to band together.

And we "worked" together in Religion. (This involved answering the questions, Does God exist? Does Jesus exist? Does atheism exist? and Are There Pixies Living At The Bottom Of My Garden? Naturally, we focussed on the latter.)

And we spent about four hours over the weekend chatting on the phone and online.

But still! Where do people get these ideas?

And what's so interesting about us when such blatant lesbianism abounds? Today Alice asked Helen Wi if she wanted to go to the hockey dinner with her.

"Me?" Helen said.

"Yes," Alice explained. "You're allowed to take boys or girls."

"All right then," said Helen and everyone laughed. And then it then transpired that Liz is taking Sheena . . .

Riiiiiight. At the rugby dinner, there weren't enough girls for all the boys to take. Now the girls - all six of them - are inviting other girls? Are they just too scared to ask out boys, or what? It's possible that they'd just prefer to have their friends present, and I suppose Alice doesn't want the absent Lord David Brackley Of Civil Engineering to get jealous, but I have my doubts . . .

Friday 30 April 1999

I don't have to wear my brace during the day any more! Yoj! Not that I ever wore it in the day anyway . . .

School is really getting on my nerves. Recently, we've been granted two "time out" lessons a week - free lessons that we can actually use freely. But we're allowed to play pool during our them but not tennis. "You're supposed to use them constructively," we were told. Eh? And we're not permitted to look at anything but educational websites during school time, but we can send e-mails. Huh?

And my Physics teacher picked me up.

Literally, I mean. Chair and everything, carrying me away from the desk I still share with my beloved Chris and depositing me beside the evil Smill, in an attempt to make me do some work. Naturally, this had no effect whatsoever, since I simply talked to Smill instead. Still, everyone is so much stronger than they look. For example, I have spent the last few days snapping a shatter-proof ruler into little pieces. This is the extent of the yoj the academic side of school brings.