Written in early 1997. A very true depiction of my family at the time.


One Saturday afternoon Sir Jon of Spam was very bored. The rest of his band had gone to the moon to do their first gig, but The Mothership had made him stay at home, since he hadn't finished his Latin project. This, Jon considered was exceedingly fligget. More to the point, the band had had to get Hacker to replace him, and Hacker was the naffest of the naff. The aliens would not be impressed.

To top things off on Friday afternoon Mrs Chapman had announced that the Latin project hadn't got to be handed in till next Friday. So he didn't have to finish it at the weekend after all. But by that time it was too late to get a ticket to the moon.

The Mothership had suggested he did his Latin project at the weekend anyway, so he wouldn't have to worry about it on Thursday night. But he wasn't that bored - yet. He decided to go surfing. (The 'net, that is.)

He went to the Fender site, one of his favourite sites which he never got tired of going to. But there was something different about the site today. There was a huge notice at the top of it. SONG-WRITING CONTEST, it said. WIN THE GUITAR OF YOUR CHOICE.

Funchie, he thought, as he clicked on it.

After two impatient minutes the page finally loaded. Sir Jon read it. Basically you had to write a song, record it and send it to an address. It would be judged by...the Manics! And the winner would receive the guitar of their choice, while five runners up would get a hundred pounds each.

Sir Jon turned off the computer and thought of the songs he'd written. They were all rubbish. Better than the Spice Mongs, Zobo would say, but anything would be. He was going to have to write something better.

A few hours later, he had a song. It wasn't great; he hadn't expected it to be. But it was all right. And he may as well enter it in the competition. If you didn't enter, you couldn't possibly win, he reasoned.

He was about to record it using the four-track when The Towel made an appearance. Sir Jon patiently told him what he was doing. That was when The Towel suggested,

"Why don't you record it at the studio? I'm sure Alex would do it for free."

"I don't have anyone else to help me record," Sir Jon pointed out. "Since the rest of my band are on the moon."

But at that moment Sir Jon's sister, CZ, Queen Of Bloxed, got sick of writing this story. She left it alone for about two years, and then returned to it.

"This story is booers," Sir Jon said. "I'm out of here."