Since Monday, my co-workers been constantly rearranging the office. First they got rid of the bits of furniture they were sick of (Fiona and the technicians), then they started stealing all desks from other parts of the building they could get our hands on. So I now have two desks. Yes, acres of desk space and a total of six drawers, all reachable without any chair swivelling necessary! Three months as the lowest of the low, a self-confessed work experience seeker, and I'm already living a life of luxury!

Now all we need is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. There's plenty of space for one now. No, better still: we need to turn one of the empty offices into a squash court.

In fact, this shift around is giving me so many ideas, that I'm tempted to ditch Computing and Film and go into interior design instead. Or maybe just write a guide to office feng shui:

1) Don't have any rubbish bins. Not only will it prevent negative energy from spreading, but it will encourage workers to treasure their hastily scribbled notes. Although workers should become more environmentally aware as a result, should the amount of paper become too much to handle, it could always be placed on a co-worker's desk, who will then be able to discover their colleagues roles in the company, a vital learning experience.

2) Ensure that each worker can see all of his or her colleagues at all times. Not only will this promote eye contact, but will probably involve getting rid of all monitors, whose presence cause headaches and tempt you into actually getting on with some work.

3) Position binding machines, photocopiers and dot matrix printers in such a way that they cause maximum disturbance to everyone. This way, no one will feel victimised by their presence and it will aid clarity of speech.

4) Keep the stationery cupboard locked at all times and put an individual in charge of the key. Preferably the person who uses stationery the least and works at the opposite end of the building. This will force Communication and Exercise to take place. Better still, after using the key, keep it. This way, the finding of it will become a game of hide and seek, which will encourage Conversation, Acclimatisation With Each Other's Working Environments and better still, waste copious amounts of time that would otherwise be spent doing vaguely useful tasks.

5) Unplug printers regularly. Leave them in other parts of the building now and again. This improves problem solving abilities whenever you need to print something. (Note: a good solution is to forget about it and e-mail your friends instead.)

6) Ban Rich Tea biscuits. They make you feel crummy.

7) Spill coffee as often as possible. Not only will it give the office a more comfortable feel, thus reducing stress levels, but will waste plenty of time as you clean up the mess.

8) Arrange seating in such a way that getting away from your desk involves climbing over colleagues and other objects. This will improve dexterity.

9) Be creative! Your desk is your second home, so you should make it reflect your life. Paint it in calming colours (assuming boss has his / her own office and is far too busy playing Solitaire to check ever up on you). Arrange your papers in the most aesthetically pleasing way. Adorn it with the ornaments of your desires. Not only will the setting up of this (not to mention regular redecoration) waste a good few hours, but you can claim that the doing of any work would be a disruption of your personal space.

10) Reorganise entire office at least once a week. Change position of all desks and furniture to increase strength. Unplug all cables in computers and swop them with other people's, which probably won't work. Change computers. This will prevent boredom caused by having the same view all the time, increase your IT skills, make you adaptable to working in different amounts of sunlight (or rainlight, as the case is in Carlisle) and with computers built in different years of the 1970s.

Of course, when the actual shifting of the desks came about, Zed The Wimp dashed off into Carlisle for her lunch break.

Well, I did have a good reason: I needed to buy a Valentine's card for my online friend AevilSteve, since I got one off him yesterday. However, having never had to go through with this procedure before (I've only sent one card in my life, as a joke, and Marion bought that), it took a while to psyche myself up, so I went to Virgin (in pursuit of CDs) and Ottakers (in pursuit of books) first.

Between the two, I ran into Will, who informed me that he sets off for Australia and various other parts of the world on Sunday. Mimph! Oh well, he'll be away for his birthday, which means I don't have to worry about sending his card a few days late.

Anyway, he blessed me in my mission, and I set into the extravagant world of card shops.

I felt really silly at first, but apart from that being nothing new, I quickly realised I was surrounded by people in exactly the same situation: under the public scrutiny, "How the heck does THAT have a significant other?" However, some people must have wondered about Zed Who Looks About Fourteen loitering in the "husband" section.

Well, he is my husband! (I have married a few dozen of my friends in the last few months.) And he's not a lot else, to be quite honest. He's not my boyfriend and he's by no means the object of my desires.

However, finding a card that didn't make me want to throw up was almost impossible, and those few that didn't assumed that the two of you were living together - or had at least seen each other once in your life.

Four shops, and I gave up and returned, five minutes late, to a whole new office.

Monday 21 February 2000

"There's loads of junk in the back of here," Mum said, as we got in the car in preparation to go to Tesco.

"Mum!" I admonished. "What are you doing with heroin in the boot?"

"On the way back, we're going to have Coke as well."

"Is this what they call drug trafficking?" I asked.

A couple of metres down the road, I had to stop and wait for another car coming in the opposite direction to pass. It passed needlessly slowly.

"Talk about speed," Mum commented.

"Not speed as well!"

Good thing we didn't encounter any pot holes.

Someone's done research into why people like loud music. They conclude that it causes a sensation similar to that experienced while shagging. So, do you think they going to start calling it aural sex?