Why do I wear black? It's something that people never ask me. But I wish they would, since I could give several reasons:

1. I like black. It's all gawffeek and stoof.

2. I don't own many coloured clothes, especially when it comes to things to wear for work. My coat is black. My only decent jumpers are black. My only suitable skirts are black. My only tights are black. And, just to make me look really gawffeek, my shoes are black too.

3. Whenever I acquire coloured clothes, they fall apart after a few months. I used to have a navy blue jumper, but it died. I used to have a green jumper, but that died too. My orange jumper has disintegrated over the years. But my black clothes are so gawffeek they have eternal life.

4. It makes shopping considerably easier. I'm almost allergic to clothes shops, you see. I've never managed to spend more than five seconds in a clothes shop on my own before fleeing for my life. I don't know why: I just don't feel comfortable in them. But by seeking only black clothes, I have something to focus on, which makes entering them slightly less daunting.

5. I have an aversion to cold and black absorbs heat more readily than other colours.

6. Black goes with everything. Including black.

However, lately I've started to have second thoughts about this manner of dressing. Firstly, I now remember that black also radiates heat more than any other colour. Therefore, on a cold day, there is no external heat to be absorbed, and because I'm more temperate than the surrounding, my black clothes actually get rid of the little warmth I have.

Secondly, it makes me invisible at night. A couple of weeks ago, when I was walking and getting the bus home from work, Invisibility would have been a Good Thing. Aevil And Desperate Rapists wouldn't have been able to see me and I could have crept onto the bus without having to buy a ticket.

But these days, I get lifts to and from work from A Man Named Mark. And the other night, I was on my way to his car, when The Receptionist started reversing in my general direction! I got out of the way just in time and she apologised profusely the following day, but she did it because she didn't see me.

Although all true gawffs wabt teh deth, I am more fond of my life (or lack thereof) than my fashion principles. Admittedly, the car park is v. dark, and most colours of clothing are somewhat invisible, but maybe I can find a fluorescent orange item somewhere.

I have decided to try and do New And Interesting Things every day. Here's what made yesterday Atypical:

1. I learnt how to use the fax machine and developed a strategy for making the binding machine to behave.

2. I made an animated worm. Yes, there is a good reason: it was for the website of a company who sell chocolate pizzas, Monty Pythonic lumberjacks and, indeed, worms.

3. I ate shortbread for the first time in my life.

Monday 20 December 1999

Work has turned into school. We've got a few non-uniform days coming up, where you have to make a donation to charity for the privilege of wearing casual clothes, and everyone's been leaving Christmas cards on each other's desks. The only difference is, you never used to hear "What's someone-or-other's wife called?" at school.

They're also having a "guess who all these baby photos are of" competition. Mine'll be easy to identify - the only one in colour, I should imagine.

Thursday 30 December 1999

If Operation: New Year's Eve goes to plan, this will be the last entry I ever write. Penrith, Cumbria may not sound the most likely of targets for nuclear weaponry, but believe me, it is: Smill lives there.

Still, if the only real problem is Russia, I'm hoping that we won't have to worry until about 12th January, because their calendar's several days out of sync with the western one. Yes, I know they changed it after the revolution, but they didn't think to tell the computers that, now did they?

Whaddya mean, they didn't have computers back then?

Even without a war, I might not escape 1999 alive. As far as I'm aware, no one has managed to spend sixteen hours in the company of the Smill's family and live to tell the tale.

On Tuesday I acquired a digital camera and these are the half-decent pictures to have emerged so far:

The sunrise.

My computer was being its usual bleendoggy self. So I decided to take a picture of it for posterity . . .

Then I set fire to it . . .

Actually, I was just trying to take a photo of my CD collection, but rather a weird effect occured.

I know I have yet to post a photograph of a person. The problem is, everyone so far has come out in a strange colour. I think I must have a magicke digital camera which displays people's feelings as well as their faces. Noj was red (embarrassed), Mum was green (jealous), I came out amber (Southern Comfort?) and Chris white (well, you'd be scared with Zed around, too).

Amazing news: Will saw Marion in Carlisle yesterday. He didn't get to talk to her, but at least she isn't dead.

Yet . . .

See you in the next life.