No, I haven't spent the last two and a half weeks caught in the middle of the biggest legal battle ever over who gets publishing rights my novel. Instead, I've been suffering from Post "Tailgating" Stress Disorder, which has caused me to write copious amounts of angstful journal entries, which I'd rather keep to myself, ta Kenneth.

Also, I've been somewhat busy. I frantically did as much holiday homework as possible in the two days before going back to school; I e-mailed some people for once in my life, and *takes a deep breath* I broke the most fundamental law of being Zed and acquired a social life. I went shopping with Smill and her mother after school on Thursday in order to find something to wear to Helen G's Surprise 18th Birthday Party, which was on Friday.

However, I don't think I'll be participating anything like that ever again. Between them, the experiences nearly killed me. Firstly, buying clothes is against my every principle. Secondly, the shoes I ended up with should been sentenced to at least forty years in prison for torturing my poor feet. And thirdly, my husband Will succeeded in making me exceedingly jealous by being exceptionally affectionate towards Chris. Oo-er, Missus.

But on Saturday, I thought it might be wise to find Helen a present (hey, better late than never!), and yesterday I went to see "Fight The Future" at the cinema with Smill yesterday. Four activities in as many days? What is the world coming to?

Today, I will provide you with an insight into what my acquaintances have to put up with from me. Today, our new religion teacher asked for a list of topics we wanted to discuss during the year. This is what Smill and myself came up with. (My words are in black. Smill's in red.)

Outer Mongolian 20th Century BC Pottery.
Gothic architecture.
Metaphysics.
Greek agricultural trends.
How the press influences our lives.
Wall-papering techniques.
The existence of extra-terrestrial intelligence.
(e.g. Roe.)
[Zed decides to be more sane]
Gambling.
Homosexuality.
Drugs.
Euthanasia.
Capital punishment (esp. of Smill)
Animal rights (especially of Zed.)
I am a sheep!
No - I am. (Rachel = ewe.) [Rachel being Smill's first name. Like both my parents and my half brother, she goes by her middle name]
That's nice. I am da light of da life. {My first name} = light. {My middle name} = life.
Camilla = Temple girl. Theology?!
Disruption in the classroom.
(ie. Smill should have her mouth sellotaped together.)
I'm not talking!!!
You're laughing.
Silently.
I can hear you!
NO CHRISTIAN POETRY!!
NO POLITICS!!
Palm reading significance (I will have 2.3 children according to Marion.)
Insanity.
Mis-use of religion (lessons).

After that, I had a free period, in which Will and I passed copious amounts of notes, for the second time since the school year started. Here are the first lot, my words in black, Will's in red:

1. I have a box-worthy clarinet lesson.
2. I don't like Classix.
3. I don't like London.
4. I don't like train journeys.
5. I don't like you (only joking!)

And here are today's offerings. My words in black, Will's in red, Roe's in blue.

Hi Will!
How's life 2 carrels away? It's scanky pants hiungesting ax-worthy blargity over here and I have some impossible Physics to do. How's your homework? Gosh, this is boring. Write something interesting. Byezebye.
Things are xxxx-large pants here 2 carrels away. I've got loads of R.S. and a lot of my seminar left to do. BLARG! It's pants wearing glasses now isn't it but I suppose if it helps me see the desk in front of me its boxworthy. I've now noticed that cars have 4 wheels and not 2. How exciting!
Blarg indeed. Well, you'd better finish your seminar before Thursday because I don't want to have to talk about Mongolian paper folding techniques to pass the time. Who are the teachers in your group anyway?
Glasses are ok - you get used to them pretty quickly. Why didn't you get contacts?
Cars do not have 4 wheels! They have 8! You're seeing double, well, half. Whatever.
Mongolian paper folding sounds interesting - would you like to do my seminar on that subject? Mr. Westmoreland is the teacher who'll mark it. Brother Stefan Stephan (however u spell it) and so are the L6.
I didn't want contacts, because then I would have to wear them all day & I only need to wear glasses for driving, watching TV, the cinema, theatre, concerts - (basically all the time then) - mainly for seeing long distances. Anyway having two bits of plastic on my eyes isn't very appealing. BLARGNESS - I would be PANTS eyes indeed.
PS. Did Rohan have anything Rohanic to say?
No I would not like to do your seminar. I have enough work to do as it is - essays, notes, impossible ax-worthy Physix + Maffs. You have nice teachers in your group though, luckily. Well, they seem ok to me.
Yeah, that is the reason why I don't wear contacts. They are PANTS + wenchula.
Rohan only asked if I had done the Physix + I hadn't. Blarge.
Is it just me or is it hot in here?
It is just you. Only larking - it it!
PANTS PANTS small PANTS large PANTS BLUE PANTS PINK PANTS ROHAN'S PANTS - ur! Smelly PANTS!
Nice to have corresponded with you. I supposed I'd better get on with my work. Aaaargh! BLARG PANTS MMMPH! Axe-worthy hiungesting wenchela.
No no no! Do not get on with your work, you scank sponch! At any rate, there's only about 2 minutes left of this lesson. Have some FUN. Be a rebel!
Byezeway, do you know about Verbal Voodoo?
No. Explain please!
Stop right now thank you very much. You needn't do-o any more wo-rk!!
I will explain... when you get the Internet. Or ask Rohanus or Bagotte.
No, ask Zed. She was the one who wrote it, after all. Wench Spong! Trying to get me to not do my Physix! Dae it yer selph!!!